Ohio State announced today it had signed running back Lamaar Thomas, a 5-star recruit ranked number 43 nationally. Not to be outdone on national signing day, Michigan quickly made headlines of their own by signing the 2008 Toyota Corolla, recipient o####overnment 5-star crash test rating. The Corolla made history last year, becoming the first car in history to play high school football.

The Toyota Corolla, long known for it's affordability and reliability, made the transition to football at Green Hills High School in Lansing during it's senior season. The coach offered a position on the team to Corolla after seeing it playing catch after school in the parking lot. "Well, Corolla had been at the school for a couple of years," said coach Rich Dominguez. "It played oboe in the band, it hosted the morning announcements, it was sort of the big man on campus. All the girls wanted to get in it's back seat. You know how it goes. But I saw something in the parking lot one day while it was catching passes from our QB. This car had something, something special. So I offered it our starting runningback spot, and the rest is history."

History was made when the car drove for a record 1760 yards, or 1 mile during the course of the season. Opponents often complained about the fact a car was on the other team, and they thought it unfair you were able to put the football in front seat and then lock the doors. But there were no rules expressly forbidding motorized vehicles from playing in a game, unless someone was driving them. Green Hills ran into trouble in the state playoffs when rival Archstone High started a locksmith at linebacker. He was able to break into the car and cause several first half fumbles. But Corolla compensated at halftime and changed to a trunk carry approach.

The scouting report on the Toyota Corolla says it is a bruising running back, who caused more than 30 injuries in high school. It can play well in all weather conditions and gets great gas mileage, meaning running out in the middle o####ame is not likely. It did have a little injury trouble in high school, when before the big state championship it had to go in for an oil change. There are also some concerns that college life may get to the young car, and maybe turn him on to trying some illegal engine additives.

Ohio State is very angered by the signing, as they had hoped to land the rare player. They have now shifted recruiting efforts to a police roadblock stopping strip out of Florida in hopes of stopping Michigan's star player when the two play. But the stopping strip is said to be leaning towards Miami.

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"Hey, this is actually a lot more comfortable that I would have guessed. When you guys fail to get drafted and end up as overweight plumbers and cable installers, can you come to my house on Saturdays and be my couch?" -Lloyd Carr's final words as Michigan head coach

(US Presswire)

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By Contributing Writer Matt Webb

The search is apparently over to fill what was once one of the top coaching positions in all of college football. “We’ve made a decision,” said Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin, “we’ve decided that we are hiring nobody to coach the team next season. We want to find ourselves next season, and this is the best way to do it.”

After season opening loses to Appalachian State and Oregon, it became clear that things were growing icy between Michigan and longtime coach Lloyd Carr. “Lloyd’s a great guy,” said Martin, “and there will always be a special place in our heart for him. But things were getting stale between us lately; there was just no spark, so we felt we needed to make a clean break.”

Reports indicated that following the Carr split, Michigan heavily pursued both Greg Schiano of Rutgers and Les Miles of LSU, both of whom told Martin that he was a nice guy and all, but that they just didn’t see themselves ending up with an A.D. like him. “The rumors about Miles turning us down are true,” admitted Martin, “He told us he had just come out of an intense contract negotiation and wasn’t ready to jump into another one this soon.” But Martin disputed rumors that Sciano spurned Michigan’s advances. “He’s lying, that was totally a mutual decision. We both just realized we didn’t have anything in common. Plus, he had that kind of crazy look in his eyes that made me think he might end up stalking us if things didn’t work out.”

As for the decision to go without a head coach next season, Martin pointed out that next year was “an important year for Michigan and we’ve just come to the realization that we can’t be tied down to just one coach.” Martin stated that while Michigan plans to keep its options open, the school has always been attracted to sexy, young up-and-coming coaches willing to experiment. “We’ve had older, experienced coaches,” Martin explained, “and that’s definitely been good for us and we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, but we think its time to ####e things up a little at the Big House.”

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Michigan has obtained permission to talk with LSU head coach Les Miles about their vacant head coaching position. This move comes as a massive shock to no one, except 84-year-old Louisiana resident Gerald Flintock, known largely around the world for being a man who is surprised by everything. Flintock has made headlines in the past over getting angry at the endings to movies such as shockers like "The Sixth Sense". But he also has been in jail after getting into a fight when after a showing of "Shindler's List" he exclaimed, "What?! They were jews?!"

We sat down to interview Gerald and he expressed great shock over the hiring. "I never saw this coming! Who could have guessed this was going to happen!" It took several minutes just to get this statement as he first was amazed at how a microphone works. "This thing will record my words? That's insane! When did they invent this crazy thing? Also, in your bathroom here they had toilets that flushed automatically! I was so surprised I almost ran out of the room. What will they think of next?"

Gerald says he would be surprised if Miles actually left LSU for Michigan. You can put together the pieces on whether or not it will happen.

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