The Atlanta Falcons have announced that Matt Ryan will start the season for them at quarterback, saying he is ready to lead the team to the 4-12 record they all know they are capable of. Ryan first impressed Falcons scouts for his ability to throw a football, something they hadn't seen in all the years with Michael Vick and Joey Harrington. "We're really excited about the possibility of doing something called a "pass" this season," said GM Rich McKay. "I've heard about other teams doing this in the past, and I'm glad we'll finally be able to try it. Apparently, they have even been able to get some touchdowns out of this pass thing, which we only got 2 or 3 times last year, so that will be very cool. We've even had to hire on some more stadium graphics people to work the giant screen. Originally we told them we didn't need graphics designed for things like "First Down", "Touchdown Atlanta", and "Falcons Win!", but now we might actually need them."

The Falcons had originally planned on making Ryan sit on the bench and learn from Harrington or one of the other experienced Atlanta QB's on how to properly lose in the NFL. But, after watching him in practice and the preseason, they are confident he can do that job immediately. "When he threw his first interception of the preseason I knew he was going to be our QB," said McKay. "It was an NFL level interception, this kid is ready to do it when it counts."

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Despite his latest effort, battling Jet Li as a cursed Chinese emperor, being kind of a failure, Brendan Fraser will be back in a fourth Mummy installment. The sequel will document his fight against an ancient quarterback known as The Favre in the year 2112. It has yet to be explained how Fraser's character is still alive at this time, but it's assumed the amazing writing staff behind the very cerebral Mummy franchise will be able to come up with a perfectly plausible explanation.

"The Mummy IV: Madden Cover Curse" will take Fraser's character to the far reaches of the future temple known as EA Sports. Inside the building, which has been condemned for some 50 years, he discovers the remains of once great players who have appeared on Madden covers. Michael Vick, Shaun Alexander, and Marshall Faulk are all entombed there along with Brett Favre, the fallen Lord Emperor Of New York.

He came to rule the state after leading the Jets to a Super Bowl in his first season, and the 24-7 media coverage around him allowed him to take over a position as dictator. From there he used the NY national guard to stage a war against the rest of the country, eventually moving on Washington DC. The President asked lead adviser John Madden what could be done to stop Lord Emperor Favre, but he said nothing. For Favre's intangibles and gunslings(a new device somehow superior to a real gun) were too much. The President surrendered the country and within a matter of months Favre ruled the entire Western Hemisphere.

But he was entombed in the EA Sports corporate headquarters by a magical priest who decreed that he and others were under to control of the Madden Curse. This was a curse which made them seek world domination, and also want to fight dogs against each other. The only way to stop them was to entomb them in the offices of EA forever. It was also the only way to stop EA from releasing the same game every year with new rosters and one new offensive or defensive feature and charges $60 for it.

When Fraser's character enters the offices in the future, he re-activates the mummified players and has to battle them as they try to take over the world. He must fight against Michael Vick's hellhounds, Marshall Faulk's horrid announcing ability, and outrun Shaun Alexander, as he comes after him 2.2 yards at a time before falling to the ground. After that will he have what it takes to take down Lord Emperor Favre once and for all? Find out next summer...

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The Atlanta Falcons have awarded Matt Ryan the largest rookie contract in the history of the NFL. The Boston College quarterback, chosen 3rd by Atlanta, will receive close to $1 billion dollars over the next 60 years as well as be named King Lord God Fuhrer of the state of Georgia. "I just don't know how to thank everyone involved in these negotiations. I'm really excited about being the franchise quarterback of the Falcons for the next half century, and I guess I just have one heck of an agent."

Pundits are quick to point out much of Ryan's billion is back-loaded into the last few years of the contract. "It really seems like a lot at this point," said ESPN's Mark Clayton. "But you have to remember that much of this money won't be paid until around the 2064 season when he's 80 years old. It's going to be hard to believe the Falcons won't cut him before then due to the salary cap restrictions, especially when the game shifts from real to just televised 3D Virtual Reality Madden 2064. You know how old people hate video games."

It is believed to be the largest award of land to a football player, topping the previous awarding of the Northwest Territories to CFL player John Avery. Despite being larger geographically than Georgia, the land is in Canada and thus worthless. The population of Georgia is actually happy about Ryan becoming the new fascist head of state. "It can't be much worse than George Bush, that's for sure," said one resident. But there could be opposition to his reign, as his first order to build a giant coliseum where mighty dogs can wage battle against each other, was struck down by the state senate. Ryan does not understand why, but says if they oppose him again they will be thrown into the newly erected dungeon.

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A federal judge ruled Monday that jailed quarterback Michael Vick could keep all but $3.75 million of the $20 million of the bonuses paid to him by the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons tried to recover the money after his conviction last year on charges of running a dogfighting operation. The judge said he believes Michael Vick has learned his lesson through the jail time alone.

"I abhor dogfighting," said the judge. "It is cruel and inhumane treatment of living creatures. But, I am a fan of just fighting, and Mr. Vick has shown to be capable of staging some very great fights. I consider him a young Don King, who just took a few mis-steps along the way. I think in the nation's best interest, he needs this money so that he can set up some amazing new fights when he gets out."

"It was obvious that football was not his best skill, we all saw that by watching him try to complete actual passes. So maybe this is it. When I was a boy I had a dream of being an ice cream cowboy who lived in space. All throughout high school I studied ice cream and space. But then I was told by my father I had to go to Harvard, and they did not have a frozen desert astronaut program like the junior college in town. So I had to become a judge. Maybe Michael had dreams of watching two competitors rip each other apart and bleed to death while money was exchanged. That's a beautiful dream, and I won't stand in it's way."

"Plus there are so many good fights out there we have yet to see. What if an rhino fought a hippo, what if salt fought pepper, what if a man whose arms have been replaced with giant staplers took on a guy who had a shotgun for a leg. Those are some fights I know we all want to see, and there is one man that can bring them to us. Michael, you are our future for watching things maim each other. You can keep this money, as long as it's used for good. I want no rap albums, ethnic clothing lines, or attempted NFL comebacks. You have one talent, and it is making things fight."

"I still look up at the sky and wonder what flavors I could be serving and what kinds of spacecow I could be wrangling right now..."

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It was a scene the likes of which haven't been witnessed since "Das Boot". At approximately 4:00 AM Tuesday a frantic Bobby Petrino burst out of the restroom at the head offices at Falcons headquarters screaming. "There's a leak in the main reactor line!" shouted Patrino as he ran down the hallway, as other building employees came out of their offices to find out what the commotion was. "We're going down, we're going down! Batton down the hatches and prepare to abandon ship!" Petrino continued to scream other submarine-related nonsense as he ran into owner Arthur Blank's office.

"Sir! I need to use your intercom immediately, we have to inform the crew!" he said as he picked up the microphone sitting on Blank's desk.

"What the hell is going on Bobby? Are there terrorists in the building?!"

"No sir, it's the Germans. They hit us bad," he replied as he flipped on the intercom. "Attention crew of the Falcons. We have sustained a torpedo impact to our main reactor line, and are taking on water! We must abandon ship immediately! All crew to their emergency stations!"

With that Petrino pulled out a large yellow box into the room from out in the hallway. He pulled a red strip on the side and it inflated quickly into a large raft. "Bobby! What in God's name is happening right now?!" yelled Blank, trying to be heard over the loud inflation mechanism.

"I'm getting us out of here sir. I know it's customary for the Captain to go down with the ship, but I can't allow that to happen," replied Petrino. With that he grabbed the 1998 NFC Championship trophy sitting on the desk and began to use it to smash through the window overlooking the parking lot. Once a large enough hole was made he grabbed the raft and put the front through the opening. "Let's go sir!"

"I'm not going anywhere you nut job! We're on the second story of this building, we'll probably die from the fall!" said a confused and frustrater Blank.

"The sharks won't get us Captain! We have to make the jump before the ship goes under!" yelled Petrino grabbing Arthur's tie. He attempted to pull him into the raft by it, but Blank grabbed the desk and held on for dear life. "Sir, you must come with me!" Blank reached for his scissors, managing to just grab them and quickly cut his tie. Petrino and the raft went flying out of the window and onto a car below.

When janitorial staff examined the bathroom he had been in earlier when the commotion started they found a yernal that would not stop flushing, and a gameplan recapping the Falcons latest blowout loss. Later that day, Arkansas announced Bobby Petrino as it's new head coach.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."

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