The Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling bread tax. It was harsh."

Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to marry me, actually."

The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman. "That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that. We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe, I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."

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The Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a 25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third. It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride around in, instead of having to take the bus."

Paxson vowed that having all the lottery winnings will not change who his team is. "We're still going to be the same old post-Jordan Bulls, I promise you that. No amount of good players is going to turn us into a championship contender, that's for sure. We're going to still perenially underachieve despite being in a weak conference." Old relatives who haven't talked to the team in years are now coming out of the woodwork to get reacquainted. Uncle Scottie Pippen gave Paxson a call yesterday to talk about the good old times, and to tell him about his gambling and heroin addictions he could use some monetary help with.

The Chicago players are also ecstatic to get the chance to play with some of the outstanding college talent. "I hear they have some of the best players in the world in the college system," said Kirk Hinrich. "It's going to be an honor to share the floor with some of them. Hopefully they can show us a thing or two about how this game is played at the highest levels."

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There is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into custody anyway.

Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"

The Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo. Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us fall down the stairs."

TSC stood by as they scratched off one of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in this great win for the franchise."

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It was formally announced today that Larry Brown will take over as head coach of 4 NBA teams next season. The Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, Charlotte Bobcats, and Miami Heat have all tabbed Brown as their coach for next year following his success with 8 other NBA franchises. "We are very excited to have 1/4 of a piece of Larry Brown," said Bobcats representative Michael Jordan. "Even 1/4 o####reat coach is more than we've ever had here before. Apparently he will rotate which games and practices he goes to every day. The rest of the time the players will just be able to hang out, and even call whatever plays they want in the games. It's going to be different, but I think they're going to really like the freedom they have out there."

The Miami Heat's Pat Riley was not as upbeat about the announcement. "When we first entered into negotiations for Brown we were not aware of this time-sharing thing. As I understood it, we would get actually 1/4 of his body. I was hoping to be able to get his head and maybe his right arm. That was he can still think, talk, and maybe point at the ref and yell occasionally. That's all you really need, and I thought the rest of us had worked over the Bobcats pretty good and just stuck them with Larry Brown's feet. This sucks, that's all I can really say."

Brown had a much more ominous message during his press conference, in which he came out dressed in a black cloak. He stepped up to the podium where he pulled back his hood and lifted a red goblet from it. "12 teams down, 18 to go," muttered Brown. "Then, I win the game. Then, I rule the nether-verse. You foolish mortals are falling into my trap perfectly." He then took a sip from the glass and walked away without answering a single question. Larry Brown, always the showman.

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Pat Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."

"Maybe trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."

"That is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."

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A day after setting the record for fewest field goals in a game, the Miami Heat have hired a private investigator to check on where exactly their shots are going instead of through the net. "I have a su####ion our field goals are sneaking around on us when they are supposed to be going in the hoop," said head coach Pat Riley. "There is no way we could make so few in a game. We want to find out exactly what those shots are up to. I didn't want to say anything publicly, but we've been making a lot less field goals at home during practice. Every time I try to get them to go, the shots say they have a headache and are too tired to go in the basket. When we first met, it was every day, nonstop scores. But now, it's getting tough to even get it in there."

The investigator, Nick Everett, was outside the arena during the 3rd quarter when a 17-foot jumper that Ricky Davis launched left the venue. "The shot told Ricky it was going into the basket when it left his fingers," said Everett. But sure enough it didn't go in, but it did jump into it's car and head to a strip club downtown. I followed the shot as it went in to the establishment and got several very private lap dances. I had to blend in, so I was forced to get a few myself on the Heat's tab. It was horrible. After going in the VIP room for a little bit the shot emerged and headed for the parking lot with one of the girls. I confronted it and the woman there. Apparently the shot claimed it was heading back to the basket now so it could go in, but the woman lived close to the basket and wanted a ride. I followed them discreetly for some time and they never made it back to the arena, instead stopping off in a park. I must also say I've never seen a woman lick a basketball so much, or get it to fit in some very strange places. It was grotesque, but also amazing."

A teary-eyed Pat Riley had a quick talk with the press after hearing the news. "I knew it! I'm here trying to coach a basketball game, raise these kids into real players, and our shots are out shmoozing with other women! I'm disgusted, and I vow we won't take another shot all season. Then we'll see who really needs who. Hopefully we can start winning some games now that we're taking out our biggest problem, the shot itself."

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Shaquille O'Neal has been voted into his 15th all-star game, for his exceptional sitting on a bench during the first half of the season. Shaq has been riding the pine since mid-December when he injured his hip diving for a loose ball. He's been so good at sitting on the bench, Phoenix traded two of their star players for him in a deal last week. "We know Shaq is still one of the best big men to ever sit on the sidelines," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "For a big man to be able to do the things he does over there is just amazing. Just the other day he was watching one of our games when he was able to lean behind him, while crosslegged, and grab a cup of gatorade. The table must have been 3-4 feet away from the bench, it was amazing."

Shaq was voted in by the fans after sitting on the bench better than anyone else in the league, and for two different teams. He will be on the sidelines of the Western Conference All-Stars for the entirety of the game, and may even participate in the Slam Sitting Competition. Usually only rookies and unknowns take part in the sitting exhibition, where players attempt to come up with the most innovative bench sitting styles ever seen. This year could be one of the first that has participation by one of the big names in the NBA.

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According to reports early Wednesday, Shaq has been traded from the Miami Heat to the Phoenix Suns in exchange Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. Only two years removed from winning a World Championship with Miami, Shaq is having one of his most unproductive seasons in years and the Heat have compiled only 9 wins so far. The 14-time all-star who owns 4 NBA championships now faces the biggest challenge of his career, passing the required physical.

"It's gonna be tough," said Shaq in his trademark monotone mumble. "Physicals have never been the strong point in my game. But, I've been working on it in the offseason. I had a trainer practice with me the turn the head and cough while they grab your little Diesel about 50 times per day. But that one thing where they put you on that scale thing and tell you your weight, I always fail that."

The hype for this physical is building to massive proportions for the fans in Phoenix, and it's expected to be a sold out doctor's office. The physician he will be playing against in the physical will be Dr. Sameer Pendalooza, known for having some of the toughest tests in the business. "I've played against Dr. Pendalooza in the past," said former patient Mark Reynolds. "His biggest strength is the blood pressure test, that thing is brutal. But if you stay high on him, don't allow him to box you out, and also avoid saturated fats for a couple of weeks, you should be able to get past it to the basket."

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The Miami Heat are in one of the worst losing streaks their franchise, and indeed all of basketball has ever seen. They have lost 13 in a row, Shaq looks like a man from a retirement home, and Pat Riley has one foot already out the door. It doesn't seem like it could get any worse for the team that is only 2 years removed from a championship. But one Miami resident claims this is only the beginning of a long 1,000 game losing streak that will last until the year 2044. The prognosticator is homeless Miamian Mark Hathoway, long known among the homeless community for claiming he was from the future, and the only reason he can't find a job in our time is because he possesses "future diseases".

He agreed to be interviewed by The Sports Comedian if we took him out for lunch. Despite smelling like cat urine and Jack Daniels, we agreed to take him to McDonalds. As he feasted on a McRib, he laid out how the future will unravel for the Miami Heat. It will be 37 years until they get their next victory over the Antarctica Hyper-Generals, a 206-201 win. They will still have Shaq on the team, as he refuses to retire despite doing everything one can do in a career and having increasingly bad numbers every season. At this time he will be averaging -2.3 points per game, 1.2 blocks per game on his own team. His alzheimer's makes it very hard to know which basket he is defending or shooting on. The team also still be coached by the skeleton of Pat Riley, which actually looks healthier than the current Pat Riley.

Hathoway then asked us to see if we could loan him any money for alcohol. We asked why he needed that, and he said time machines were built solely out of alcohol. We declined that offer.

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Even the best laid offensive gameplans can go awry when hit with a well-timed defensive move known in some circles as...the b*tch slap.

(AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

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The Miami Times broke a story today about their main sports website editor being found in Mexico with no recollection of how he got there. Bob Thomas, the man in charge of the Miami Times sports section of their website has apparently been missing since mid-September, only nobody noticed. Neither the other Times employees nor the readers noticed that the site had not been updated in months. "We are all quite embarrassed by this incident," said Gerald Hayes, owner of the Times. "But in our defense, how were we to know the site wasn't being updated? The sports landscape here in Miami has been largely unchanged over the past few months, even years. We were actually looking into automating our sports department. We'd just find stories about teams losing and franchises falling apart and replace the names with Miami teams. Marlins, Heat, Dolphins, whatever that hockey team is that plays here. We all suck."

The page in question at the Times website has remained the same for the last several months. It's headline read "Miami Loses Big", with a picture of Trent Green being sacked. But many readers interviewed didn't realized that Trent Green wasn't their quarterback anymore. "Cleo Lemon? That's a real person? That sounds like a character from PeeWee's Playhouse or something. I refuse to believe he's our QB. But I also don't believe the Miami Dolphins are a real team, I think they're just a trick my friend Tom is playing on me," said a Miami resident and Times reader. "I also don't believe in the ocean. I think it's just blue space grass put here long ago by aliens. That's why there are all those weird creatures in it."

Many Miamians are too depressed about their team to even read actual articles about their latest losses. Hence the details about Miami's heartbreaking loss to Washington in overtime during week 1 never clued anyone into the page's outdatedness. The page also featured timeless stories such as "Marlins Dismantling Continues", "Shaq Out Of Shape, Heat In Trouble", and "Miami Hurricanes Underachieve".

Bob Thomas, the man in question, was found in Mexico and had no idea how he got there or what he had been doing. It could be extreme distress over the state of Miami sports, something that was his lively hood. Many Dolphins and Heat season ticket holders have gone missing over the past few weeks, many believe the lack of winning has driven them to the brink of insanity. But he was back at work Monday and updated the site for the first time in months, much to the relief of readers and co-workers. The site now features up-to-date stories such as "Miami Loses Huge","Heat Worst In League", "Trade Of Cabrera Only Beginning Of Marlins Dismantling".

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The Heat traded three-time All-Star forward Antoine Walker to the Minnesota Timberwolves on Wednesday in a five-player deal that came one day after Miami completed a winless preseason. Walker, backup center Michael Doleac, oft-injured forward Wayne Simien and a conditional first-round draft pick were sent to Minnesota for former Miami swingman Ricky Davis and center Mark Blount.

The deal gives Minnesota added depth and gives Miami a third scoring option it wanted in Davis. The Heat will try to fit him in alongside Shaquille O'Neal and Dwyane Wade -- the 2006 Finals MVP who'll miss a few more weeks while recovering from knee and shoulder surgeries. Walker helped the Heat win the 2006 NBA title but hasn't always had the easiest time dealing with Heat coach Pat Riley's strict conditioning standards.

Translation: You can not stop Antoine Walker from being fat. It is impossible.

This trade may or may not help the Heat, as Davis will be their third option. The major question will be whether or not Wade and Shaq can ever get, and stay, healthy at the same time. The last time that happened was in the jurassic period.

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