The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud
between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all
out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions
franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named
after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the
volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these
two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood.
"They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long
for something to happen."
The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some
expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions
happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks.
They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other
felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on
the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as
they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a
longtime Detroit
resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've
ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my
legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we
all can't get along."
A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to
something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no
one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility
between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured,
this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That
was where a pack of wild indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown,
resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and
Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could
not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although
the city did smell horrible for several weeks.
The
Dolphins have announced that the competition for their starting
quarterback spot in the upcoming season will now be an open contest
between anyone in the organization. Originally thought to be a two man
race between John Beck, Josh McCown, and Chad Henne, new coach Tony
Sparano says he doesn't want to limit it to just them. Beck especially
is said to be very upset about the news, "This is completely unfair!
How am I supposed to beat out all the great players we have in this
organization? I saw our kicker throwing a ball around before practice,
and he could toss it almost 20 yards! How can I compete with that? I
also heard some people say the training facility janitor throws a mean
roll of toilet paper. I'm so screwed. It says quarterback next to my
name on the depth chart, that should be enough."
Sparano has
released his preliminary depth chart for the quarterback position based
on OTAs, and it is 100 spots deep. Henne was the only quarterback who
managed to crack it. "I feel honored," said Henne. "To be among the
81st best quarterback in this entire organization is really saying
something. We have some real athletic fry cooks who work in the
stadium, I'm not ashamed to admit they are a little better than me." If
the season began today, the starting quarterback for the Dolphins would
be Frank, one of the 4 men who share duties in the cartoon dolphin
mascot costume. Skyy, a cheerleader, and Manuel, one of the Spanish
groundskeepers, round out the top 3 on the depth chart.
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
Miami Dolphins: According
to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing
formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or
not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week. F for Fancy
Minnesota Vikings:
They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John
David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls,
having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10
phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad. D for Dum Dums
New England Patriots: They
got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of
their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the
third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at
that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won
3 or 4 Super Bowls by now. W for We All Hate You Patriots
New Orleans Saints: They
drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The
Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just
how it's actually done. H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
New York Giants:
They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third
round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive
powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers.
Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop
him now. Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
New York Jets: Well,
at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can
really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the
word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in
a retarded middle-aged spelling bee. T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
Philadelphia Eagles:
They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row,
but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some
players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's
Big Board. T for Take That You Permed ####
Pittsburgh Steelers: The
Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything
like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make
some awesome chocolate. S for Swedish Chocolate
St. Louis Rams: They
picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it
has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as
fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL
Sunday. They can only hope. R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
San Francisco 49ers:
None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco
49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into
picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as
soon as he realized the ruse. C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years. H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl
MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them
back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were
represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth. P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
Tennessee Titans: Well,
they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback?
Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally
gets open Vince. Good luck. B for Boobs
Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done. M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
Mel
Kiper Jr. was picked up by Connecticut authorities today on su####ion
of battery. He was arrested during a draft preview on NFL Live when
police stormed the studio during filming with a warrant for his arrest.
At first they tazered and pistol-whipped host Trey Wingo to the ground,
as the only description they had for Kiper was "really stupid looking
hair". But after they realized their mistake they dragged the draft
guru out the door, leaving a trail of hair goo on the floor behind him.
Apparently
the arrest was over a fight that happened in an alley behind a bar in
Bristol. The victim, a 28 year old construction worker, said he got
into a fight with a man that hit him over the head several times with a
"big board". As the police checked around for witnesses who knew which
man in town was notorious for carrying a big board, they were pointed
to Mel Kiper Jr. and a carpenter named Otto.
Kiper believes he
will be out soon and back at ESPN for draft day, as the evidence
against him is very shaky. But evidence at the scene reportedly
includes a placard that says "Miami - Vernon Gholston", which if true
would seem to implicate Kiper. But he states that only an ####
carpenter, or a Sports Illustrated columnist, would put Gholston to
Miami with the first pick, so it can't be him. More on this story as it
develops.
The
2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public
hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down
some of the more interesting match-ups:
The Buffalo Bills
will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take
place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL
continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football
to come out and watch this horrid team.
The Miami Dolphins will
take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to
a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
The
Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given
everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads
discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
The
wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host
a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice
turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
The Cleveland
Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye
week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow
them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon.
They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be
great this time?
A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even
received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the
offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really
wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have
a matchup with anybody.
The New England Patriots have the
easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at
home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1
against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure
they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
The
St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a
row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on
local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes
episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their
live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black
curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands
from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.
Brett
Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out
returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be
ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think
it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming
back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired
and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to,
this arm still is ready to throw."
Favre is so eager to help out
should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency
QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special
situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot
it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game,
just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm
and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that #### Maybe you
locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring
old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid
concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."
The
hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland
Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not
working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours
and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I
don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing
the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in
need of one than us."
Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a
talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the
hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has
nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm
going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm
getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone
breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can
not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1.
Thank you."
The
Miami Dolphins today announced they were hiring Tony Soprano, world
renowned television mob boss as their head coach. In his welcoming
press conference he announced several odd changes that are unknown at
this time if they will help to Dolphins return to respectability.
Between
seasons there will be a two-year break, sometimes longer depending on
other programming. Soprano says they may even split up a season and
play one half and then take a year break and play the other.
At
least one major starter will be whacked each year, this will help keep
starting players and the rest of the team on their toes.
Ricky Williams, until he starts playing well again, will now be called "Big ####y".
There
will not be an actual end to games, and the last 7 minutes instead of
deciding the score, will be spent with a slow-motion montage set to the
Journey song "Don't Stop Believing"
It's doubtful any of this
will help the Dolphins, who last season appeared to be the worst team
in the history of football. But it's at least interesting.
A
source close to Bill Parcells has informed TSC that Cam Cameron has
been dismissed as coach of Miami today. Though names like Bill Cowher
and Jason Garrett have been tossed around by other media outlets, TSC
has learned that Parcells, never one to go conventional, plans to name
his lucky Magic 8-ball the Dolphins next head coach. According to the
source, its his lucky charm that he’s had since he was a kid, and its
helped him through a lot of tough decisions in his career. And
honestly, he thinks the Dolphins have a better shot of winning by
relying on the wisdom of a cheap plastic toy than relying on Cam
Cameron.
TSC was able to gain an exclusive interview with the
next head coach of the Miami Dolphins and the first toy coach in league
history:
TSC: “Bill Parcells has not wasted any time in making
changes since being hired to run the Dolphins and fans are expecting
immediate improvement. Do you think you will be able to live up to
their expectations?”
Coach 8-Ball: “You May Rely On It”
TSC: “Wow, that’s a pretty confident response for someone with
absolutely zero coaching experience. That must mean you think Coach
Cameron is a complete ####?”
Coach 8-Ball: “It Is Certain”
TSC: Well alright then. Coach, this year the Dolphins started Trent
Green and Cleo Lemon at QB, don’t those guys sound more like characters
in the Clue board game?
Coach 8-Ball: “Signs Point to Yes”
TSC: I take it that means you’ll be heading in a different direction at
QB, is it possible the Dolphins will go after Derek Anderson?
Coach 8-Ball: “Concentrate and Ask Again”
TSC: Um. . .okay. . .will the Dolphins try to sign Derek Anderson?
Coach 8-Ball: “Reply Hazy, Try Again”
TSC: Maybe we'll just move on. Some fans are hoping that the Dolphins
will draft RB Darrin McFadden with the first pick, your thoughts?
Coach 8-Ball: “Outlook Not So Good”
TSC: So that means you’re going defense and Glen Dorsey?
Coach 8-Ball: “Don't Count On It”
TSC: “So will you entertain offers to trade away the first pick?”
Coach 8-Ball: “Better Not Tell You Now”
TSC: “Alright, well this interview is getting a little weird frankly,
so let me just ask you in closing, what can you say to Dolphin fans
everywhere who are expecting to make a playoff run in 2008?”
Way
back in 1998, the time of the dinosaurs, the staff here at TSC had the
foresight to plant a time capsule with a few sports predictions for the
next ten years. This was back in the earliest days of our site, when we
were just a webpage drawn on a cave wall. One day we were all sitting
around in our thatch huts, when a smoke signal from a neighboring tribe
alerted us to the new year. Although verbal communication had not yet
been invented in 1998, we all knew that a good website bit would be to
make a time capsule of our current thoughts and open them again in a
decade. We spent many days, as we were a tribe without fire, writing
down the contemporary sports thoughts of the day. Given our vast sports
knowledge and insight, we expected our predictions to be spot on as
always, but as you can see, some of them turned out to be just a little
off. . .
• The Battle to Reach 61: 1998 was the year that the
record that could never be broken finally fell. Mark McGwire and Sammy
Sosa battled it out all season and both ended up shattering Roger
Maris’ record of 61. McGwire’s 71 is a record that will stand for
years. I just don’t see anyone breaking it unless they come up with
some kind of undetectable super drug that allows players to
artificially add muscle mass and extend their careers into their early
40s, and I think we all know that’s not possible.
• Bulls Win
3rd Straight, Again: The Bulls won their 3rd straight title and their
6th in the last eight years. After the season, Michael Jordan and Phil
Jackson both said goodbye to the game for good. I for one am sorry to
see Michael go, but at least I won’t ever have to see him wear another
team’s jersey. As for Phil, I always thought he was overrated as a
coach. There’s no way he could win a championship without Jordan, so
good thing he quit when he did.
• Tiger Who?: After winning
the 1997 Masters, Tiger Woods failed to win another major the rest of
1997 and all of 1998. In fact, he only won 1 PGA tour event all season.
I don’t know what everyone saw in this guy, but I have one word for you
“O-VER-RA-TED.” Remember, you heard it here first. What a stupid name
anyway. With something that silly, he will never be able to get any
goood marketing deals.
• Return of the Bronx Bombers: The
Yankees won their second World Series title in the last three years
this fall. Just a side note, the Yankees payroll this season was over
$63 million dollars, which is nuts. There is no way they can keep this
up. By the time you read this, MLB will have a salary cap like the NFL
and the Yankees won’t be able to sign away other team’s all stars.
• Ricky wins the Heisman: This year Ricky Williams of Texas set the all
time NCAA rushing record on his way to winning the Heisman Trophy. Talk
about a kid with a bright future, this guy is going to be breaking
records in the NFL for years, bet the house on it. If NFL executives
have any sense, they will do whatever they have to do to draft this guy
next year. Best of all he's a great role model to young people about
staying out of trouble and off of drugs.
• Passing of a Legend:
Harry Caray, one of the most loved broadcasters of all time passed away
just before MLB spring training. For reasons unknown to us here at TSC,
someone in the Cubs front office came up with the brilliant idea of
allowing celebrities to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” during the
seventh inning. I know, sounds crazy, but no doubt the Cubs will come
to their senses next year and stop celebrities from singing before
someone really embarrasses themselves.
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
The
head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet
another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
Unfrozen
from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins
from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in
the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
Why
does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to
us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a
telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some
reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't
doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's
gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that
back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
Obviously
with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a
great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a
quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
Alright
Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want
it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole
lot less hilarious.
Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly
beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises
everyone by showing he's not retired.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
The
Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998,
although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record
is better.
People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one
group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large.
For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of
National Treasure 2.
The
Miami Times broke a story today about their main sports website editor
being found in Mexico with no recollection of how he got there. Bob
Thomas, the man in charge of the Miami Times sports section of their
website has apparently been missing since mid-September, only nobody
noticed. Neither the other Times employees nor the readers noticed that
the site had not been updated in months. "We are all quite embarrassed
by this incident," said Gerald Hayes, owner of the Times. "But in our
defense, how were we to know the site wasn't being updated? The sports
landscape here in Miami has been largely unchanged over the past few
months, even years. We were actually looking into automating our sports
department. We'd just find stories about teams losing and franchises
falling apart and replace the names with Miami teams. Marlins, Heat,
Dolphins, whatever that hockey team is that plays here. We all suck."
The
page in question at the Times website has remained the same for the
last several months. It's headline read "Miami Loses Big", with a
picture of Trent Green being sacked. But many readers interviewed
didn't realized that Trent Green wasn't their quarterback anymore.
"Cleo Lemon? That's a real person? That sounds like a character from
PeeWee's Playhouse or something. I refuse to believe he's our QB. But I
also don't believe the Miami Dolphins are a real team, I think they're
just a trick my friend Tom is playing on me," said a Miami resident and
Times reader. "I also don't believe in the ocean. I think it's just
blue space grass put here long ago by aliens. That's why there are all
those weird creatures in it."
Many Miamians are too depressed
about their team to even read actual articles about their latest
losses. Hence the details about Miami's heartbreaking loss to
Washington in overtime during week 1 never clued anyone into the page's
outdatedness. The page also featured timeless stories such as "Marlins
Dismantling Continues", "Shaq Out Of Shape, Heat In Trouble", and
"Miami Hurricanes Underachieve".
Bob Thomas, the man in question,
was found in Mexico and had no idea how he got there or what he had
been doing. It could be extreme distress over the state of Miami
sports, something that was his lively hood. Many Dolphins and Heat
season ticket holders have gone missing over the past few weeks, many
believe the lack of winning has driven them to the brink of insanity.
But he was back at work Monday and updated the site for the first time
in months, much to the relief of readers and co-workers. The site now
features up-to-date stories such as "Miami Loses Huge","Heat Worst In
League", "Trade Of Cabrera Only Beginning Of Marlins Dismantling".
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
We
get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine
the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny
after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There
should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke
more than twice.
Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth
for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare
that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
At least Pittsburgh can
stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have
to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy
game.
When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you
know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an
Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some
sort.
Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always
done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar
Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had
a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get
excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
Out-of-nowhere
brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has
abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
I
never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your
commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about
your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block
the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never
watch that channel again.
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
I
picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an
NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
Is
there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a
really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear
Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have
their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience
likes.
I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
That
commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right
about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite
possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!
Even
Mother Nature couldn't will the Miami Dolphins to a win Monday night,
although she did try to help her favorite NFL team. Rain, rain, and
more rain was heaped upon the field before the game, leaving the grass
resembling more a lake than anything else. She has been watching the
Dolphins flounder all season, and thought the only way perhaps to help
them was to flood the field. "They are the Dolphins, they should be
able to play a better game under water. The Steelers? What do they even
do, process steel? There is no way they are going to be able to beat
Miami in their own element. I've been saving up rain from the southern
California area for months, and I'm gonna unleash it on those damn
Steelers," said an angry Mother Nature before the game.
But even
her ingenious plan was not enough. Although it did slow down the
Steelers, the Dolphins played offensively about how they usually do,
which resulted in 0 points and 2 more injuries to their running backs,
including the returning Ricky Williams. When you sustain more injuries
in a game than score points, things are going pretty bad for your team.
Mother Nature was irate after the game, "How did we blow this one?! I
kept them scoreless for 59 minutes and 43 seconds, and they still
couldn't win?! I give up! I'm going to just become a Patriots fan like
everybody else! But first, I'm going to go monsoon Thailand in
retribution."
Jeff Reed's 24-yard field goal with 17 seconds
left Monday night gave Pittsburgh a 3-0 victory against winless Miami,
the first time in 64 years an NFL game went that long without any
points. It was the league's lowest-scoring game since Dec. 11, 1993,
when the New York Jets beat Washington 3-0.
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The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud
between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all
out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions
franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named
after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the
volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these
two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood.
"They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long
for something to happen."
The
Dolphins have announced that the competition for their starting
quarterback spot in the upcoming season will now be an open contest
between anyone in the organization. Originally thought to be a two man
race between John Beck, Josh McCown, and Chad Henne, new coach Tony
Sparano says he doesn't want to limit it to just them. Beck especially
is said to be very upset about the news, "This is completely unfair!
How am I supposed to beat out all the great players we have in this
organization? I saw our kicker throwing a ball around before practice,
and he could toss it almost 20 yards! How can I compete with that? I
also heard some people say the training facility janitor throws a mean
roll of toilet paper. I'm so screwed. It says quarterback next to my
name on the depth chart, that should be enough."
The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a
look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent
on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to
assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box,
maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In
either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in
the draft.
Mel
Kiper Jr. was picked up by Connecticut authorities today on su
The
2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public
hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down
some of the more interesting match-ups:
Brett
Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out
returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be
ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think
it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming
back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired
and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to,
this arm still is ready to throw."
The
Miami Dolphins today announced they were hiring Tony Soprano, world
renowned television mob boss as their head coach. In his welcoming
press conference he announced several odd changes that are unknown at
this time if they will help to Dolphins return to respectability.
A
source close to Bill Parcells has informed TSC that Cam Cameron has
been dismissed as coach of Miami today. Though names like Bill Cowher
and Jason Garrett have been tossed around by other media outlets, TSC
has learned that Parcells, never one to go conventional, plans to name
his lucky Magic 8-ball the Dolphins next head coach. According to the
source, its his lucky charm that he’s had since he was a kid, and its
helped him through a lot of tough decisions in his career. And
honestly, he thinks the Dolphins have a better shot of winning by
relying on the wisdom of a cheap plastic toy than relying on Cam
Cameron.
The
Miami Times broke a story today about their main sports website editor
being found in Mexico with no recollection of how he got there. Bob
Thomas, the man in charge of the Miami Times sports section of their
website has apparently been missing since mid-September, only nobody
noticed. Neither the other Times employees nor the readers noticed that
the site had not been updated in months. "We are all quite embarrassed
by this incident," said Gerald Hayes, owner of the Times. "But in our
defense, how were we to know the site wasn't being updated? The sports
landscape here in Miami has been largely unchanged over the past few
months, even years. We were actually looking into automating our sports
department. We'd just find stories about teams losing and franchises
falling apart and replace the names with Miami teams. Marlins, Heat,
Dolphins, whatever that hockey team is that plays here. We all suck." 
Even
Mother Nature couldn't will the Miami Dolphins to a win Monday night,
although she did try to help her favorite NFL team. Rain, rain, and
more rain was heaped upon the field before the game, leaving the grass
resembling more a lake than anything else. She has been watching the
Dolphins flounder all season, and thought the only way perhaps to help
them was to flood the field. "They are the Dolphins, they should be
able to play a better game under water. The Steelers? What do they even
do, process steel? There is no way they are going to be able to beat
Miami in their own element. I've been saving up rain from the southern
California area for months, and I'm gonna unleash it on those damn
Steelers," said an angry Mother Nature before the game.
