The Atlanta Falcons have announced that Matt Ryan will start the season for them at quarterback, saying he is ready to lead the team to the 4-12 record they all know they are capable of. Ryan first impressed Falcons scouts for his ability to throw a football, something they hadn't seen in all the years with Michael Vick and Joey Harrington. "We're really excited about the possibility of doing something called a "pass" this season," said GM Rich McKay. "I've heard about other teams doing this in the past, and I'm glad we'll finally be able to try it. Apparently, they have even been able to get some touchdowns out of this pass thing, which we only got 2 or 3 times last year, so that will be very cool. We've even had to hire on some more stadium graphics people to work the giant screen. Originally we told them we didn't need graphics designed for things like "First Down", "Touchdown Atlanta", and "Falcons Win!", but now we might actually need them."

The Falcons had originally planned on making Ryan sit on the bench and learn from Harrington or one of the other experienced Atlanta QB's on how to properly lose in the NFL. But, after watching him in practice and the preseason, they are confident he can do that job immediately. "When he threw his first interception of the preseason I knew he was going to be our QB," said McKay. "It was an NFL level interception, this kid is ready to do it when it counts."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The Atlanta Falcons have awarded Matt Ryan the largest rookie contract in the history of the NFL. The Boston College quarterback, chosen 3rd by Atlanta, will receive close to $1 billion dollars over the next 60 years as well as be named King Lord God Fuhrer of the state of Georgia. "I just don't know how to thank everyone involved in these negotiations. I'm really excited about being the franchise quarterback of the Falcons for the next half century, and I guess I just have one heck of an agent."

Pundits are quick to point out much of Ryan's billion is back-loaded into the last few years of the contract. "It really seems like a lot at this point," said ESPN's Mark Clayton. "But you have to remember that much of this money won't be paid until around the 2064 season when he's 80 years old. It's going to be hard to believe the Falcons won't cut him before then due to the salary cap restrictions, especially when the game shifts from real to just televised 3D Virtual Reality Madden 2064. You know how old people hate video games."

It is believed to be the largest award of land to a football player, topping the previous awarding of the Northwest Territories to CFL player John Avery. Despite being larger geographically than Georgia, the land is in Canada and thus worthless. The population of Georgia is actually happy about Ryan becoming the new fascist head of state. "It can't be much worse than George Bush, that's for sure," said one resident. But there could be opposition to his reign, as his first order to build a giant coliseum where mighty dogs can wage battle against each other, was struck down by the state senate. Ryan does not understand why, but says if they oppose him again they will be thrown into the newly erected dungeon.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!