TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the TSC Keys To Victory:

• Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire than that, they have one of the ####est looking mascots in all of sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Los Angeles Dodgers: They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the beast, and be able to take home a World Series.
  
  
  
• Chicago Cubs: The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off your shoulders.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Milwaukee Brewers: They have always been one of the most professional and respected organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog, bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values. There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.

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Multiple Felon Manuel Vargas was found not guilty on Wednesday by a California judge. Vargas, who has served prison time twice in the past for both attempted murder and selling narcotics, was extremely happy with the news. His lawyer cited rarely utilized defense in Federal court known as the "Manny Being Manny Defense" to refute the current rape allegations leveraged against him by the District Attorney.

"Look, these kinds of things are just what Manny does," said the lawyer in a courtroom transcript. "He gets a bad wrap sometimes, but he's just having fun out there. Raping, dealing, killing, yeah he does all that. But he does it with a smile on his face! Everyone knows now, that's just Manny being Manny!"

The victim recounted the horrible crime, and even told of Manny turning around to give a passer-by a high-five during the rape. But this did little to sway the judge, who ordered Vargas to be cleared of all charges. He said the high five was just another "Signature Manny Moment" and looked forward to more hilarious crimes in the future. After the verdict was read, Vargas pulled out a knife from his pocket and stabbed the bailiff in the chest, laughing as he did. The small crowd in attendance chuckled together and said in unison, "that's our Manny!"

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The people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"

The graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro. They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's Just Ronny Being Ronny!"

So far sales of the new Fatheads has been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008. But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.

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The Sports Comedian presents: the World Series game one in pictures.

We tried to upload photos of all the Red Sox crossing the plate, but there were so many it overloaded our server. This one will have to suffice.

For one night, and one night only, Eric Gagne was not the worst pitcher on the field.

This fan has solved the hyperbeckett postulate, a mathematical equation long eluding the world's best minds.

"Wow man, even their grass is better than ours." -Garrett Atkins.

As we said in our Keys To The Game, when Manny's hat comes off, good things happen for Boston.

This line of K's soon wrapped around the entire stadium.

The most coordinated office building ever.

This is how Josh Beckett actually appeared to Rockies hitters. No wonder they had such trouble.

"Didn't you practice during that 8-day layoff?" -Yorvit Torrealba

"I knew I forgot something." -Jeff Francis

Yes, I did just lift a joke from D2: The Mighty Ducks. This is the saddest day in the history of this blog.

Once everyone jumped off the bandwagon after the blowout, Colorado merchandise was very cheap.

If David Ortiz and Roger Federer had a child.

Garrett Atkins tries to remember where the plate is, it's been so long since they've been there.

"What's the score now?" -Todd Helton

"I don't know I lost count. This half-inning actually seems longer than our 8 day layoff, we're gonna have to try to remember how to hit again." -Troy Tulowitzki

"And why is Garrett Atkins smelling the grass again? Wasn't he doing that in that picture earlier?" -Todd Helton

"(Japanese)" -Kaz Matsui

"Yeah, we do suck." -Todd Helton

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It is time sports fans, after 162(163 for some) regular season games, 6 playoff series, and many months o####rueling baseball season, the World Series is upon us. This year will be an epic David versus Goliath battle as the Colorado Rockies take on the Boston Red Sox. Rox versus Sox. It's a battle everyone has been dreaming about since they were children. I think we all remember putting on our socks for their first day of school and then looking out the window and seeing rocks in the front yard, and then wondering who would win if the two fought. Now that question can finally be answered.

But what does each team need to do in order to take home a world championship? We at The Sports Comedian break down the key to the game for each team:

Boston Red Sox:

1. Many analysts would say that the stacked middle part of the batting order has to get swinging well in order to pile on some runs. That middle includes David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, J.D. Drew, and Mike Lowell. But the real key there lies in the middle of that middle, Manny Ramirez. The career postseason home run leader has played great all playoffs, and the key to his great play is obviously...the fact that his hat can not, will not, better not, stay on during any play that requires movement. When the hat flies off, that's when the big plays happen. Luckily for Boston fans, that happens on every play. Evidence:
   
2. As the movie Major League taught us, you need a wild thing for a closer. Someone who dares to do something absolutely crazy when the opportunity arises, such as pour beer on the championship trophy, smoke a cigar on the field, wear insane inventor goggles, and riverdance. Yes, somewhere in the world Michael Flatley, Lord Of The Dance blessed this Red Sox team because Jonathan Papelbon knows how to dance a fine ####. He has now made Papelbon a Royal Vassel of the Dance, or something like that. I didn't pay much attention in history class. Evidence:
   
3. The baseball gods favor a team who is truly a team, a band of brothers who will do anything for and with each other. Nowhere is that more embodied than in the postgame hug, and the Red Sox have some of the most intense game winning hugs ever seen on the face of the earth, aside from the lost continent of Hugstralia of course. Look at the evidence below, and ask yourself if you've ever seen people more ready for a massive man-hug. Actually, Papelbon might be a little too ready there.
   

So to recap, the keys to the game for the Boston Red Sox are:

• Manny's helmet/hat must fly off
• Dance, drink, smoke, and wear Doc Brown goggles.
• Hugs, lots of hugs. Although stay away from Papelbon, he might like them too much.

Tomorrow we'll break down the keys for the Colorado Rockies. Stay tuned.

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On a workout day, Manny Ramirez gave Boston fans a real reason to get worked up. With the Red Sox just one loss from elimination, the star slugger was asked about Game 5 of the American League Championship Series against Cleveland. "Why should we panic?" he said Wednesday in a rare clubhouse interview. "We've got a great team." And then, this: "It doesn't happen, so who cares? There's always next year. It's not like it's the end of the world."

Good point Manny Ramirez, it isn't the end of the world. Obviously, the only hope the Red Sox have left of winning this series they trail 3 games to 1, is if they have a fan who also happens to be a world-renowned supervillian. He would have to hold the world ransom with a diabolical plot like melting the polar ice caps with a giant hairdryer, only to then throw that hairdryer into the now-flooded world ocean. That might be the only way the Indians can blow this series, after looking completely dominant the last two games. If the Red Sox don't win, the world dies, how does that sound Manny? Will you care about winning then?

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