Gossip
magazine TMZ broke the story today that the Boston Red Sox were seen on
the town last night with a new hot young rivalry. Little is known about
the new rivalry, as details from the scene were sketchy. But word has
it that the Red Sox were seen partying it up in St. Petersburg with the
Tampa Bay Rays until early in the morning. The New York Yankees, the
rivalry the Red Sox have been married to for the past 100 years, had no
comment on the report. "We don't respond to tabloid rumors," said one
Yankees spokesman.
Indeed it has been bad times lately for one
of Hollywood's oldest rivalries. At times this year, it seemed as if
both teams just didn't have the same spark they used to have for each
other, with the Yankees especially seeming disinterested in both the
Red Sox, and winning. It's no wonder the Red Sox are now out on the
town with the hot young Rays, who had been flirting with Boston all
season. Fights, close games, and home sweeps, all left fans in the
audience wondering just when these two teams would just get a room
already.
Apparently they have, with the Red Sox PR director
saying, "Look, we have had a great rivalry with the Yankees. We still
love each other, but we've just grown apart over the last few months.
We've continued to keep ourselves in great shape, while they have
started to look like the Baltimore Orioles. It's disgusting, and we
needed some time apart. We're not saying our rivalry is over forever,
we're just gonna give this Tampa Bay thing a shot, see where it goes.
We have a lot in common, and we just need to see for ourselves if maybe
they would make a better rivalry. If we were meant to be, we will be
again. Goodbye New York. Goodbye."
An angry Hank Steinbrenner
said "Those young Tampa Bay sluts think they can break up our rivalry
just because they had a couple years of sound salary management and
smart pitching trades! We have worked for a century to build this
rivalry up, and they can't just come in here and tear it down in a
season! We'll be back together before you know it!"
The
Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season
yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited
the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the
Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they
lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be
a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber
talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically
in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and
we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up
to expectations."
Many around the country consider this an
anti-climactic end to their season that culminated in an exciting race
with the Mets for the wild card. But, those in Wisconsin say it was an
adequate conclusion. "We knew how long they have been working to put
together this team of slightly better than mediocre talent," said
longtime fan Ben Williams. "And we know that they aren't going to be
able to afford this massive $60 million payroll. We are almost up to
1/4 of the Yankees! This was a one year shot to make sort of impressive
run, and we sure did just that. Now, it's time to blow it up and start
building it again for the next quarter century. Man, I love baseball."
TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website
and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing
what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to
attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and
research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the
NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the
TSC Keys To Victory:
Philadelphia Phillies: The
Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of
failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire
than that, they have one of the ####est looking mascots in all of
sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel
uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots
bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the
Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the
foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.
Los Angeles Dodgers:
They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets
more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the
bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand
his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as
possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and
lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the
beast, and be able to take home a World Series.
Chicago Cubs:
The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to
bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot
to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a
century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy
tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets
online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite
their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other
team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off
your shoulders.
Milwaukee Brewers: They
have always been one of the most professional and respected
organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy
sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog,
bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But
starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or
Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the
competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values.
There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we
got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo
crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to
see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and
Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.
Flashbulbs
went off around Shea Stadium as David Wright took one final horribly
awkward swing at a pitch in the dirt, thrown by a 19-year-old September
callup from the Marlins. With the strikeout, the Mets had culminated
another epic collapse, providing the perfect sendoff to Shea Stadium
during its final season. The fans in attendance cheered wildly, as
there could not have been more fitting an end to Shea than a choke
nearly as disasterous as the previous season's. The team attempted to
head into the locker room, but the crowd would not stop booing until
David Wright came out for a curtain call, to which they booed him even
louder.
Some fans were emotional after the game, with grown men
weeping about the memories they shared at Shea Stadium. "I remember the
first time I came here with my father," said Dave Delucci, a lifelong
Mets fan. "We watched the Mets choke a good 7 run lead away to the
Braves back in '71. It was a special father-son moment I won't ever
forget. Later on when he was battling cancer and his liver failed, it
was like the Mets were inside that liver, failing just like they do in
real life. This really was the perfect final chapter to this stadium,
and to being a Mets fan."
Manager Jerry Manuel was given a
4-year contract extension, and promised even better failures in the
future. "We can do better," he declared. "If you thought 7 and 1/2
games in two weeks was good last year, you ain't seen nothing yet."
Diehard fans even took off chunks of the stadium to bring home...so
they could burn them and never have to think about the place again.
The
recent economic downturn has meant hard times for several Major League
teams. The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to use bottles balsamic
vinegar instead of champagne for their playoff clinching celebration
last night, resulting in many jerseys ruined and many eyes burned. But
it has hit nowhere harder than the Kansas City Royals who announced
today that they were going under due to financial bankruptcy. But, all
is not lost as the New York Yankees have acquired the assets of the
Royals for $324 dollars.
Many fans are worried what this will
mean for them and the future of their team, so Hank Steinbrenner held a
press conference to address their concerns. "We want to assure everyone
that your team will not be going anywhere," said Steinbrenner. "We will
be renaming them the Kansas City Little Yankees. Yes, it is a little
insulting and degrading of a name, but not anymore so than the baseball
that has been played here over the past decade. Speaking of which, we
want to assure everyone that the same Kansas City baseball you have
come to love will still be played here. If ever a player starts
performing well, especially a starting pitcher, they will be traded to
the Yankees immediately.
"We know what you people here have come
to expect, and we will not stand in the way of that like some giant
corporation. One of the major reasons for the financial trouble of this
team has been this stadium. It's so big, and you have a giant parking
lot around the thing to boot. So, we're going to sell off the parking
lot land and allow you to drive in a park right on the field. This will
be a little hectic for the players, but you've got to deal with some
things when you're the Little Yankees..."
As
Yankee Stadium saw its last professional baseball game played in it on
Sunday, ESPN provided in-depth coverage of the game with the Orioles
and their tribute to Yankees legends of the past and present. For
sports fans, there is no more historic venue than the 85 year old
monument to baseball. Therefore, many people at home who could not make
it out to the final game saluted the stadium by flipping over to the
ceremonies during a commercial break in the Packers-Cowboys Sunday
Night Football game.
"When I was watching their video showcasing
the many hall of famers who had graced that field, I couldn't help but
get goosebumps," said Marty Klein, a sports fan from Buffalo. "But then
I realized my two and a half minutes were up, so I had to change the
channel back to the awesome early season football contest taking place.
I've got the Green Bay running back on my fantasy team! I can't miss
this thing!"
"I actually planned ahead, because I'm such a big
Yankees fan in addition to my love of the Cowboys," said another fan,
Dan Green. "So I Tivo'd the baseball game to watch after football. But
then my Tivo alerted me that there was a brand new Desperate Housewives
that overlapped the first hour, so I picked that instead. Then after
that there was a great 30 minute infomercial on a potato peeling device
called the Rotato. Then after that the game was half over, so I really
wanted to record the rest, but I decided to tape just whatever was on
The Weather Channel instead for 3 hours. Just in case some really cool
weather came on out of nowhere, I couldn't risk it. But man, I love
Yankee Stadium."
Some other fans planned to turn to the game
during a commercial break, or even for the 15 minutes at halftime, but
got distracted on the way up the channels from NBC to ESPN by the Emmys
and a rerun of Frasier. One fan who suffered such a channel changing
fate opined, "I will always have a special place in my heart for the
original Yankee Stadium, and also that episode where Frasier and his
father get trapped in an elevator together."
The
San Francisco Giants lost a heartbreaking game last night to the
Colorado Rockies 6-5 after celebrity Mariah Carey was called on to
throw the last pitch of the game. The Giants were attempting a new
gimmick, to let the celebrity throw a pitch in a more thrilling setting
than the usual ceremonial first pitch. Giants closer Brian Wilson had
an 0-2 count on Troy Tulowitzki with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th
inning. The Giants had a 5-4 lead, and there was one Rockies player on
second. They decided to bring in the pop superstar to close out the
game with what should have been the last pitch.
But sadly,
Mariah Carey couldn't find her proper release point and left a floating
changeup high over the plate. Tulowitzki hit it hard to left center
field and over the fence, giving the Rockies a walk-off home run. Carey
left the field to a chorus of boos from the Giants fans in attendance,
but stopped by the dugout to grab a microphone and remind them to pick
up her new album.
In a post-game interview back in the locker
room, Carey was upbeat about the blown save. "Look, it was a tough
loss," said a stark naked Carey at her locker. "I left one up in the
zone and Troy made me pay. That's what a professional hitter does.
Hopefully next time I'll be able to execute my command better out there
on the mound. I just want to thank the Giants for this opportunity
though, and I thought everyone here in the locker room would be giving
me the cold shoulder. But, they have been really nice. Ever since we
all showered off together they have been winking at me and saying
"nice" over and over."
Carey was cut by the Giants immediately
after the game, with Bochy saying that she needs a lot more work before
she is ready to throw out a ceremonial pitch again. But despite her
awful performance in the game, the Cincinnati Reds have expressed
interest in getting her to throw a pitch at one of their upcoming
games. "This kid has some potential," said GM Walt Jocketty. "She has a
young live arm, that hasn't been worn out by years of baseball
training. Also, we like her performance in the shower after the game.
We may send some scouts to her home to check that out and bring back
some video on her."
Bud
Selig announced today that he was bringing an NFL replay system to MLB
as early as the end of this month. The system has proved successful in
the NFL over the past decade or so, and baseball fans and players have
been clamoring for it over the past few seasons. The system will allow
umpires to put a replay on the stadium screen of an NFL game, should
the baseball on the field become too boring for the fans in attendance.
"There
have been a lot of events this year that have made people stand up and
say we want replay like the NFL has," said Selig at a news conference
talking about the new technology. "We had a game go 23 innings back in
March! Who can sit through that?! We've had a couple no-hitters, also
very boring for the fans. This system will allow fans something fun to
watch if the baseball gets too much to take. Say the catcher is going
out to talk to the pitcher for the 12th time that inning. We just put
some NFL action up on the jumbotron and everyone can still be
entertained."
The system is already making strides to fix some
of the blown calls that happen during games. During a Twins-Cardinals
matchup, in which the system was being tested, there was a disputed
Twins homerun that sent manager Ron Gardenhire out to argue with
officials. The umps then called upon the replay system that showed the
ending of an intense Colts-Patriots game. Gardenhire then realized that
it wasn't worth arguing about, as it was only boring old baseball, and
if he delays too long he'll miss the Vikings training camp coverage on
ESPN tonight.
So far the NFL replay system is working out great
to help fix occasional boredom and blown calls all over the country.
During a Washington Nationals game, however, the NFL replays will be
shown during the entire game. News of this has led to a 16% increase in
ticket sales.
After
years of trying to convince their wives and girlfriends to watch
sports, American men will now be forced to pretend they have never
heard of it for two weeks or face the prospect of watching 14 days
worth of gymnastics, synchronized swimming, horse riding, and
trampoline. "This is a tough time for all of us," said Quinn Juderson,
chairman of the National Association Of Men. "Something has gone wrong,
wives are not watching the exciting sports we want them to, they are
now instead very excited to watch hours of some of the most boring
sports ever. There is only so much badminton and rowing a man can take,
that's a scientifically proven fact. We are urging all our members to
find something to do aside from watching these fake sports. Maybe
scrapbook, bake something, knit a pair of booties for your newborn
niece or nephew. Anything to keep your manliness intact. Maybe try to
convince your wives to go out to a sports bar with some of their
girlfriends to watch the games, so you can stay home and enjoy some NFL
preseason or major league baseball. Stay strong my fellow men, this
will all be over soon."
Disaster already struck at a home in
Northern Utah yesterday as a man sat with his wife through Sunday
night's entire slate of NBC programming, which was 3 hours of women's
rhythmic gymnastics. Afterward though, he discovered that the event was
not even for a medal, it was just qualifying. Apparently there was a
lot of yelling, him screaming about why they would show 3 hours of
qualifying, and now he would be forced to watch the actual competition
later. Things got more heated when his wife exclaimed that she loved
spending time with him watching these sports, and hoped they could do
it every night. He had no choice but to jump out of the second floor
window of their home. He suffered 2 broken ribs and a fractured femur,
and is now in the hospital. He requested a room without any television
to rehab in, for that is the only place currently safe from women's
sports.
Aaron
Brown, a man from Des Moines, Iowa has drawn the ire of his closest
friends by declaring his allegiance to Azerbaijan for the Olympics.
Brown, a huge fan of the Celtics, Giants, Red Sox, and Red Wings says
his latest decision was not made because of his tendancy to bandwagon
around winning teams. His friends say Brown showed up at their house to
watch the night's olympic coverage wearing a Tampa Bay Rays hat and a
white t-shirt that had "Baijan 4 Life" written on it in Sharpie,
shortly after it was announced they had won a gold medal in Judo. His
friends called him a traitor for turning on their own country. "Look,"
said Brown. "I have always been a huge fan of under 73 kilogram men's
judo. That's always been the one event at the Olympics I root for,
everyone knows that. My team won, and I'm going to support them. I know
a lot about the country. They eat bread and meat, their favorite things
to do are activities, and they spend about 1/3 of their time sleeping.
It's a great place, doesn't that sound like somewhere you want to live?"
Angels
ownership finally answered the call of their fans to turn around their
dismal season on Tuesday night when they acquired Mark Teixeira from
the Atlanta Braves for Casey Kotchman and a pitching prospect. Many in
Southern California were wondering what kind of deadline deal the team
was going to pull off to right the Angels ship that had stumbled to a
league best 66-40 record. With the other teams in their division
trailing by as few as 11 and 1/2 games, and with the Mariners coming on
strong only 26 games back, team management knew Teixeira was a good fit
for the ballclub.
"If there is one thing Los Angeleans...of
Anaheim...have looked forward to every year, it's watching us flounder
and die in the first round of the playoffs," team President Tony
Reagins said at a press conference. "I knew that proud tradition was in
jeopardy with everyone nipping on our heels like they are. I've seen
Seattle's roster. The fact that we aren't 40 games up on them just goes
to show how we have not lived up to our potential."
Joel
Zumaya of the Detroit Tigers attempts to hitchhike his way out of town
and onto a contender like the Yankees with teammate Ivan Rodriguez. But
sadly, not many friendly truck drivers were driving by the pitcher's
mound last night.
The
Seattle Mariners have agreed to terms on a 5-year deal with Jim Kelly,
a Seattle-area man they found leaving Home Depot with a 21-piece tool
set over the weekend. Despite being 52 and having no experience playing
baseball, the Mariners are confident they can turn around their MLB
worst start with Kelly leading their team. "Well, I saw him leaving the
store with just so many tools," said GM Lee Pelekoudas. "I've snuck up
behind other GMs at the annual owners meeting several times, to try to
hear what kinds of things real GMs talk about. I've heard them mention
5-tool players a few times, before they see me behind them, ridicule
me, and tell me to go pick up another Richie Sexson. If only 5 tools
are necessary to help a team play good ball on the field, just imagine
what 21 will get us!"
Kelly was happy with the multi-million
dollar contract he signed with the team, but was a bit confused on how
he would be able to contribute. "Well, I never really played baseball
as a kid," said Kelly. "I was more of a chess guy myself. They tell me
they just want me to go out and put all my many tools on display, so I
guess I'll put out a table somewhere. But I don't know how many people
are going to be able to come and see them if it's set up on the field.
This is the first tool set I've ever owned, so I'm going to have to
learn what it all does I suppose. There's this metal rod with a handle
at the end, maybe it's used for poking. I've also got a pair of really
dull scissors maybe, and a really big knife with a handle on it. I
guess I can cut them some meat or something in the clubhouse, but I'm
confused how this will help them get more wins."
Multiple
Felon Manuel Vargas was found not guilty on Wednesday by a California
judge. Vargas, who has served prison time twice in the past for both
attempted murder and selling narcotics, was extremely happy with the
news. His lawyer cited rarely utilized defense in Federal court known
as the "Manny Being Manny Defense" to refute the current rape
allegations leveraged against him by the District Attorney.
"Look,
these kinds of things are just what Manny does," said the lawyer in a
courtroom transcript. "He gets a bad wrap sometimes, but he's just
having fun out there. Raping, dealing, killing, yeah he does all that.
But he does it with a smile on his face! Everyone knows now, that's
just Manny being Manny!"
The victim recounted the horrible
crime, and even told of Manny turning around to give a passer-by a
high-five during the rape. But this did little to sway the judge, who
ordered Vargas to be cleared of all charges. He said the high five was
just another "Signature Manny Moment" and looked forward to more
hilarious crimes in the future. After the verdict was read, Vargas
pulled out a knife from his pocket and stabbed the bailiff in the
chest, laughing as he did. The small crowd in attendance chuckled
together and said in unison, "that's our Manny!"
A
terrible three car accident occurred today on a stretch of highway East
of Tampa Bay. But Rays closer Troy Percival happened to be passing by
in the opposite direction when the wreck happened, and stopped his car
to see if he could go in for the save. He found 2 cars overturned with
people trapped inside. He attempted to get to a woman in one of the
cars that was upside down, but the door was jammed shut. He was headed
back to his vehicle to try and find a bat to pry it open with, but as
he did so he threw his lit cigarette on the ground to put it out. The
cigarette ignited the gasoline that had leaked from the broken cars and
spread to the vehicles which become covered in flames. After a few
minutes the two cars exploded and Percival and others watching stood by
in horror.
When police arose on the scene and asked Percival
what happened he had to following to say: "Well, I didn't have my best
stuff out there today, I'll admit it. I thought I was going to be able
to pick up the save, but I just couldn't get it done. But look, I still
have converted 23 of 26 save chances this year. That's about league
average. Yes, I did accidentally punch that man in the balls instead of
the stomach when he was choking at that restaurant. Yes, I threw that
cat a little forcefully out of that tree instead of handing him down
nicely. But, my record in saves is pretty damn good. If the highway
patrol want to make a switch at closer, they just need to let me know."
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Gossip
magazine TMZ broke the story today that the Boston Red Sox were seen on
the town last night with a new hot young rivalry. Little is known about
the new rivalry, as details from the scene were sketchy. But word has
it that the Red Sox were seen partying it up in St. Petersburg with the
Tampa Bay Rays until early in the morning. The New York Yankees, the
rivalry the Red Sox have been married to for the past 100 years, had no
comment on the report. "We don't respond to tabloid rumors," said one
Yankees spokesman.
The
Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season
yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited
the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the
Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they
lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be
a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber
talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically
in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and
we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up
to expectations."
Philadelphia Phillies: The
Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of
failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire
than that, they have one of the 
Los Angeles Dodgers:
They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets
more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the
bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand
his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as
possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and
lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the
beast, and be able to take home a World Series.
Chicago Cubs:
The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to
bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot
to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a
century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy
tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets
online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite
their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other
team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off
your shoulders.
Milwaukee Brewers: They
have always been one of the most professional and respected
organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy
sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog,
bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But
starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or
Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the
competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values.
There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we
got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo
crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to
see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and
Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.
Flashbulbs
went off around Shea Stadium as David Wright took one final horribly
awkward swing at a pitch in the dirt, thrown by a 19-year-old September
callup from the Marlins. With the strikeout, the Mets had culminated
another epic collapse, providing the perfect sendoff to Shea Stadium
during its final season. The fans in attendance cheered wildly, as
there could not have been more fitting an end to Shea than a choke
nearly as disasterous as the previous season's. The team attempted to
head into the locker room, but the crowd would not stop booing until
David Wright came out for a curtain call, to which they booed him even
louder.
The
recent economic downturn has meant hard times for several Major League
teams. The Los Angeles Dodgers were forced to use bottles balsamic
vinegar instead of champagne for their playoff clinching celebration
last night, resulting in many jerseys ruined and many eyes burned. But
it has hit nowhere harder than the Kansas City Royals who announced
today that they were going under due to financial bankruptcy. But, all
is not lost as the New York Yankees have acquired the assets of the
Royals for $324 dollars.
As
Yankee Stadium saw its last professional baseball game played in it on
Sunday, ESPN provided in-depth coverage of the game with the Orioles
and their tribute to Yankees legends of the past and present. For
sports fans, there is no more historic venue than the 85 year old
monument to baseball. Therefore, many people at home who could not make
it out to the final game saluted the stadium by flipping over to the
ceremonies during a commercial break in the Packers-Cowboys Sunday
Night Football game.
The
San Francisco Giants lost a heartbreaking game last night to the
Colorado Rockies 6-5 after celebrity Mariah Carey was called on to
throw the last pitch of the game. The Giants were attempting a new
gimmick, to let the celebrity throw a pitch in a more thrilling setting
than the usual ceremonial first pitch. Giants closer Brian Wilson had
an 0-2 count on Troy Tulowitzki with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th
inning. The Giants had a 5-4 lead, and there was one Rockies player on
second. They decided to bring in the pop superstar to close out the
game with what should have been the last pitch.
Bud
Selig announced today that he was bringing an NFL replay system to MLB
as early as the end of this month. The system has proved successful in
the NFL over the past decade or so, and baseball fans and players have
been clamoring for it over the past few seasons. The system will allow
umpires to put a replay on the stadium screen of an NFL game, should
the baseball on the field become too boring for the fans in attendance.
After
years of trying to convince their wives and girlfriends to watch
sports, American men will now be forced to pretend they have never
heard of it for two weeks or face the prospect of watching 14 days
worth of gymnastics, synchronized swimming, horse riding, and
trampoline. "This is a tough time for all of us," said Quinn Juderson,
chairman of the National Association Of Men. "Something has gone wrong,
wives are not watching the exciting sports we want them to, they are
now instead very excited to watch hours of some of the most boring
sports ever. There is only so much badminton and rowing a man can take,
that's a scientifically proven fact. We are urging all our members to
find something to do aside from watching these fake sports. Maybe
scrapbook, bake something, knit a pair of booties for your newborn
niece or nephew. Anything to keep your manliness intact. Maybe try to
convince your wives to go out to a sports bar with some of their
girlfriends to watch the games, so you can stay home and enjoy some NFL
preseason or major league baseball. Stay strong my fellow men, this
will all be over soon."
Aaron
Brown, a man from Des Moines, Iowa has drawn the ire of his closest
friends by declaring his allegiance to Azerbaijan for the Olympics.
Brown, a huge fan of the Celtics, Giants, Red Sox, and Red Wings says
his latest decision was not made because of his tendancy to bandwagon
around winning teams. His friends say Brown showed up at their house to
watch the night's olympic coverage wearing a Tampa Bay Rays hat and a
white t-shirt that had "Baijan 4 Life" written on it in Sharpie,
shortly after it was announced they had won a gold medal in Judo. His
friends called him a traitor for turning on their own country. "Look,"
said Brown. "I have always been a huge fan of under 73 kilogram men's
judo. That's always been the one event at the Olympics I root for,
everyone knows that. My team won, and I'm going to support them. I know
a lot about the country. They eat bread and meat, their favorite things
to do are activities, and they spend about 1/3 of their time sleeping.
It's a great place, doesn't that sound like somewhere you want to live?"
Angels
ownership finally answered the call of their fans to turn around their
dismal season on Tuesday night when they acquired Mark Teixeira from
the Atlanta Braves for Casey Kotchman and a pitching prospect. Many in
Southern California were wondering what kind of deadline deal the team
was going to pull off to right the Angels ship that had stumbled to a
league best 66-40 record. With the other teams in their division
trailing by as few as 11 and 1/2 games, and with the Mariners coming on
strong only 26 games back, team management knew Teixeira was a good fit
for the ballclub.
The
Seattle Mariners have agreed to terms on a 5-year deal with Jim Kelly,
a Seattle-area man they found leaving Home Depot with a 21-piece tool
set over the weekend. Despite being 52 and having no experience playing
baseball, the Mariners are confident they can turn around their MLB
worst start with Kelly leading their team. "Well, I saw him leaving the
store with just so many tools," said GM Lee Pelekoudas. "I've snuck up
behind other GMs at the annual owners meeting several times, to try to
hear what kinds of things real GMs talk about. I've heard them mention
5-tool players a few times, before they see me behind them, ridicule
me, and tell me to go pick up another Richie Sexson. If only 5 tools
are necessary to help a team play good ball on the field, just imagine
what 21 will get us!"
Multiple
Felon Manuel Vargas was found not guilty on Wednesday by a California
judge. Vargas, who has served prison time twice in the past for both
attempted murder and selling narcotics, was extremely happy with the
news. His lawyer cited rarely utilized defense in Federal court known
as the "Manny Being Manny Defense" to refute the current rape
allegations leveraged against him by the District Attorney.
A
terrible three car accident occurred today on a stretch of highway East
of Tampa Bay. But Rays closer Troy Percival happened to be passing by
in the opposite direction when the wreck happened, and stopped his car
to see if he could go in for the save. He found 2 cars overturned with
people trapped inside. He attempted to get to a woman in one of the
cars that was upside down, but the door was jammed shut. He was headed
back to his vehicle to try and find a bat to pry it open with, but as
he did so he threw his lit cigarette on the ground to put it out. The
cigarette ignited the gasoline that had leaked from the broken cars and
spread to the vehicles which become covered in flames. After a few
minutes the two cars exploded and Percival and others watching stood by
in horror.
