After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
"Well, that's
the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell
Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even
playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all
the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and
Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep
in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like
beach volleyball and basketball."
"We are working on some new
sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against
the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There
are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else.
There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each
other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is
played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event.
There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major
metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more
chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game
ever. We are very excited."
"Sometimes we just need to add
something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we
added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women
play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and
then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But
most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so
it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics.
I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with
a bow..."
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
Team USA is a little late
in trying to change their gameplay this close to the olympics, but it
seems like this revolutionary tactic may help them out. While no NBA
coach with the team seems to know anything about the very foreign
strategy, they are flying in a high school coach from Greece. His team
swept through the junior world championships against seemingly better
American teams by utilyzing such crazy tactics as putting up their
hands and geting in front of people who are trying to score, to which
the American kids had no counter. He should arrive some time tonight to
get started teaching some of these techniques to Team USA.
The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards
to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from
the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a
symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used
to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd
go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's
how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that
Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how
I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than
with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to
marry me, actually."
The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's
decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street
conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman.
"That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother
went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it
took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that.
We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe,
I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."
Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
Perkins said “Oops,
my bad.” But the damage had been done, and the game was suspended for
several minutes as the remains of Pierce were removed from the vat and
the blood was washed off the court. The crowd then had to wait as a
judge was called in for an impromptu hearing wherein Perkins was found
guilty of three counts of “2nd Degree Harcore Ballin” and taken off to
jail. Down two players, it seemed all was lost for the Celtics in their
first Finals visit in two decades.
But in dramatic fashion, the
skeleton of Pierce emerged from the locker room with about five minutes
left in the third quarter as the Boston crowd went wild. This is only
the third time in NBA Finals history a player has come back from the
dead during a game. “Well, luckily back in the locker room we have a
well-trained staff of King’s horses and King’s men, and they were able
to put Paul Pierce together again,” said GM Danny Ainge.
Pierce
proceeded to unload 11 more points on the Lakers after his return,
showing a quickness that could only be attributed to the electricity in
the building, or his lack of skin and vital organs. “I knew I had to
come back from the dead in order for our team to have a shot at this
thing,” said an exhausted Pierce after the game. “I got up to Heaven
and I was about to go in those golden gates. But then I thought, this
team needs me, this city needs a championship, Boston has had so few of
them recently. So I told God “All ballers don’t go to heaven, I gotta
bounce”. Then I dribble criss-crossed around God’s royal guards that
tried to stop me from leaving and got back into my body and onto the
court.”
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant,
the stars of the series say their decision to leave was based primarily
on money. "We've really enjoyed all the time we've had here in the
NBA," said Garnett. "All those fun game 7's we gave them. But, now
after all that we just want to get paid like we deserve. We were hoping
for a big payday from the league for their finals, but they told us
that apparently we already have contracts and won't be getting any more money! I don't know what kind of #### that is, but we can do better elsewhere."
The
series announcers will be from the NHL, and they are still growing
accustomed to the change in sport. They started reviewing NBA playoff
tapes in preparation for their commentary and were shocked at just how
filthy some of the players were. "You couldn't even see some of their
faces they were so dirty," said one announcer. "But I'm told those are
merely what are called 'Black People'. We certainly don't have those
where I'm from. But wow, this sport is certainly exciting. I never knew
something could have this much fun scoring and a sensible even number
of periods. I'm really liking it, and I think the fans will too."
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
"So, what we're going to do is just create an
alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose.
College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split
championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going
to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA
scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see.
Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team.
Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can
go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more
than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts
for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered
themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV
yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the
game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
The Pistons
scoreboard operator has had an outstanding season manipulating time
itself, and yesterday was another example of just how valuable he is to
this team. There were times during the season when a loss seemed
absolutely certain, only to have the scoreboard operator put this team
on his back and say "Hey, this game isn't over until I say it is. You
now have 5 more minutes on that clock. Let's go get it done." Speeches
like this helped to motivate the team to come out and beat their
confused foes, who had often already begun leaving the court thinking
they had won. Many pundits thought his outstanding play, and selection
of motivational jumbotron messages such as "D-Fence!", "Let's Go
Pistons", and "D-Fence!!!" were perfect this year and worthy of the MVP.
"I
feel he got robbed," said the Orlando Magic scoreboard operator, who
has been unable to shut down his opponent in the first 2 games. "He's a
miestro with the numbers. There is no one else in the sport who can do
what he does to cheat other teams out of victories. I look forward to
facing him in the rest of this series, hopefully I don't get completely
blown away."
The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break
down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.
Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The
embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a
force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the
Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither
of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each
other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little
rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being
bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why
rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided
on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the
Nuggets are about to pay the price for this. Prediction: Lakers 4-0
Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The
bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks.
This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented
players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they
still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to
embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them.
Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot
was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back
them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a
baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to
hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one. Prediction: Hornets 4-2
Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those
sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but
multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun
in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and
NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of
Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the
Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up.
I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
Prediction: Suns 4-3
Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5):
Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its
Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch
underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet
Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed
by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz
player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the
face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
The
Council Of Men has announced they are investigating Kobe Bryant's right
to continue being a male, after reports surfaced he might be sidelined
for the season with a pinkie injury. The Lakers superstar's injury is
actually a quite serious torn pinkie ligament, and he has shown some
toughness by playing through the pain. But, the Council doesn't see it
that way. "Declaring one even has an injured pinkie is an affront to
men everywhere," said Council President Tom Selleck. "The only more
girly injury than that would be a broken v*gina. Is that what you'll
say you have next Kobe? This whole thing is just embarassing to us all."
The
Council is investigating whether or not Kobe still has the right to
have a p*nis after news of the injury surfaced. "We don't just give
these things out to just 50% of the population," said Selleck. "You
have to earn it through an intense application and screening process
before birth. If we handed them out willy-nilly you'd have nothing but
men running around! How much fun would that be?"
Kobe has said
that the injury is extremely painful, and affects his shooting with the
right hand. But the Council is not budging on it's stance that this
injury is too womanly to miss playing time with. "The halls of the Man
Chambers are filled with pictures of great men who have sacrificed all
in the sake of manlihood. Benjamin Franklin, one of the mannest of men,
cut off his own arm later in life because it was itching and he no
longer wanted to scratch it. That is a man! Albeit he was kind of a
drunk late in life, but that's how you deal with a problem. If he heard
about Kobe and his little pinkie injury he would tell him to slice it
off and get out there to play some ball. After that he would probably
tell him to go pick his cotton, as he was a slave-owning racist. Then
he would probably pee on his severed finger, as he was an old senile
drunk. That's a man Kobe. That's a man."
The
people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall
graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an
exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports
fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care
about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential
primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of
awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"
The
graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls
and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro.
They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such
as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's
Just Ronny Being Ronny!"
So far sales of the new Fatheads has
been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008.
But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.
Starting
on Monday the NBA is moving forward on its initiative to modernize it's
product. In addition to putting microphones on some players, something
other sports have been doing for years, they will also have some
players doing live game blogging. "We really want to get aboard this
whole blogging fad, and what better way to feature it, than to have
players do it during an actual game," said NBA commissioner David
Stern. "We have bought a couple of these things called 'laptops'. They
are like real computers, only smaller! We might even start getting them
to use in the NBA offices."
Manu Ginobili reluctantly wore the
blogging device during a recent game and reported it was very unwieldy
on the court. The laptop only had to be replace 3 times due to being
broken or smashed. But fans on the web loved reading some of the
insightful posts from Manu such as:
I
can't believe Britney Spears wore that in public! She really needs some
parents in her life!(Posted along with a photo of Spears at a club
opening)
I am dribbling down the court, and I think I'm going
to score now...Nope, the ball just got stolen out of my hand. I guess I
should have been paying more attention.
Many NBA players
are reporting anxiety over having to wear the device. Dwayne Wade and
Tracy McGrady are decidedly against the idea, saying it will impede
their shooting ability. "Blogging is what's hot right now, and we're
all about getting our players with the hottest things happening around
the world," said Stern. "Also hot right now, I'm told, is something
called a Soulja Boy. I'm in talks to get one of them strapped to Yao
Ming some time in the future. All this innovation is very exciting for
the NBA."
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After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
The
Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from
Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while
serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra
yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri
Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani
and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals
without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny
Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part
of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low
post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't
heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released
Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling
bread tax. It was harsh."
Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
Kobe
Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons
of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of
the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that
great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a
deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's
shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a
time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had
exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30
points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an
even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who
managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so
that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.
The
Council Of Men has announced they are investigating Kobe Bryant's right
to continue being a male, after reports surfaced he might be sidelined
for the season with a pinkie injury. The Lakers superstar's injury is
actually a quite serious torn pinkie ligament, and he has shown some
toughness by playing through the pain. But, the Council doesn't see it
that way. "Declaring one even has an injured pinkie is an affront to
men everywhere," said Council President Tom Selleck. "The only more
girly injury than that would be a broken v*gina. Is that what you'll
say you have next Kobe? This whole thing is just embarassing to us all."
Starting
on Monday the NBA is moving forward on its initiative to modernize it's
product. In addition to putting microphones on some players, something
other sports have been doing for years, they will also have some
players doing live game blogging. "We really want to get aboard this
whole blogging fad, and what better way to feature it, than to have
players do it during an actual game," said NBA commissioner David
Stern. "We have bought a couple of these things called 'laptops'. They
are like real computers, only smaller! We might even start getting them
to use in the NBA offices." 
