Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
Perkins said “Oops,
my bad.” But the damage had been done, and the game was suspended for
several minutes as the remains of Pierce were removed from the vat and
the blood was washed off the court. The crowd then had to wait as a
judge was called in for an impromptu hearing wherein Perkins was found
guilty of three counts of “2nd Degree Harcore Ballin” and taken off to
jail. Down two players, it seemed all was lost for the Celtics in their
first Finals visit in two decades.
But in dramatic fashion, the
skeleton of Pierce emerged from the locker room with about five minutes
left in the third quarter as the Boston crowd went wild. This is only
the third time in NBA Finals history a player has come back from the
dead during a game. “Well, luckily back in the locker room we have a
well-trained staff of King’s horses and King’s men, and they were able
to put Paul Pierce together again,” said GM Danny Ainge.
Pierce
proceeded to unload 11 more points on the Lakers after his return,
showing a quickness that could only be attributed to the electricity in
the building, or his lack of skin and vital organs. “I knew I had to
come back from the dead in order for our team to have a shot at this
thing,” said an exhausted Pierce after the game. “I got up to Heaven
and I was about to go in those golden gates. But then I thought, this
team needs me, this city needs a championship, Boston has had so few of
them recently. So I told God “All ballers don’t go to heaven, I gotta
bounce”. Then I dribble criss-crossed around God’s royal guards that
tried to stop me from leaving and got back into my body and onto the
court.”
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant,
the stars of the series say their decision to leave was based primarily
on money. "We've really enjoyed all the time we've had here in the
NBA," said Garnett. "All those fun game 7's we gave them. But, now
after all that we just want to get paid like we deserve. We were hoping
for a big payday from the league for their finals, but they told us
that apparently we already have contracts and won't be getting any more money! I don't know what kind of #### that is, but we can do better elsewhere."
The
series announcers will be from the NHL, and they are still growing
accustomed to the change in sport. They started reviewing NBA playoff
tapes in preparation for their commentary and were shocked at just how
filthy some of the players were. "You couldn't even see some of their
faces they were so dirty," said one announcer. "But I'm told those are
merely what are called 'Black People'. We certainly don't have those
where I'm from. But wow, this sport is certainly exciting. I never knew
something could have this much fun scoring and a sensible even number
of periods. I'm really liking it, and I think the fans will too."
Paul
Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce
that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative
differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular
season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only
9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more
of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and
Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two
of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully
continue buying Big Three merchandise.
"We are still going to
have the same look and feel as the old Big Three," said Pierce. "I have
agreed to pick up the points that were previously being scored by Ray,
and as you can see from last night that's going pretty well. He just
wasn't contributing to the vision we had in our heads for The Big
Three. We envisioned him giving us the same 17 per game he always had,
but he insisted on doing something artsy in the single digits. He said
we just didn't get what he was trying to do with his game, and we'll
admit we had no idea."
Allen has vowed to not let this deter
him from his efforts to expand his game beyond what it was. "People are
getting bored with that same old Big Three play they've been watching
for months," said an angry Allen. "I was trying to put something new
out there, something innovative. Maybe there can be a member of the Big
Three who isn't very good, or who turns the ball over repeatedly to
keep the game close. I was doing some experimental stuff out there, and
they just didn't get it. But I have some cool stuff planned for the
next round in my solo debut effort. I'm going to put out some
basketball play that people haven't seen before, maybe a 3.5 point
shot. A lot of people are asking how that's going to happen. Well,
you'll just have to stay tuned to find out."
Interest in a Ray
Allen solo effort has not been very good among fans, with many people
claiming The Big Three will not be able to capture the magic of their
original productions. "I used to be a big fan of The Big Three earlier
in the season," said young fan Jim Lovre. "But now their play just
seems so corporate. I liked it a lot more back when they were all indie
and rebel."
It seemed as if LeBron James had no help during game 7 of
the Eastern Conference semi-finals. This was highly evident during the
rest of the team's 5 minutes nap time in the middle of the 4th quarter.
Kevin
Garnett unveils his latest effort in the Vulgar Slam Dunk Contest,
wherein he slams a jam in the basket and then hangs from the rim while
crapping on Anderson Varejao.
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
"So, what we're going to do is just create an
alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose.
College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split
championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going
to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA
scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see.
Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team.
Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can
go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more
than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts
for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered
themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV
yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the
game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."
The
Atlanta Hawks won again last night at home to tie their series with the
Boston Celtics at 2-2. Stunned and shocked would seemingly be the words
to describe the Boston locker room after the game, but surprisingly it
was upbeat. "I'm just excited to be moving on," said Kevin Garnett
after the loss. "This team is good, but I'm looking forward to taking
on Orlando in the next round." He was then informed that they had at
least 2 more games to go with the Hawks before they would face Orlando.
"Ha, well I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm part of the Big
Three here in Boston. We're like the best ever, and we're going to play
the Magic in the next round. These Hawks can come along if they want
and maybe we can fit them in somewhere after."
Indeed, even the
league has already scheduled their second round series to start on
Friday. "This Orlando-Boston contest is going to be an intense series
with a lot of interest as two of the best big men face off against each
other," said an enthusiastic David Stern. "I know they aren't exactly
winning against the Hawks, but come on now, it's Boston. They deserve
to be in the next round, and we're going to move them into it right
now. We may reschedule these other games for the future, and maybe
their backups can play some exhibitions with these Hawks. I mean, this
is a team that has a shot at winning an NBA Championship. How would it
look if they did that, but lost in the first round to Atlanta? That
would be silly, and I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen."
The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break
down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.
Celtics vs. Hawks: Hawks
have long been the bane of midgets hailing from Ireland. Their fued
dates back to the 1400's, when giant hawks would swoop down and grab
them from their fjords because of the attraction to their gold buckle
shoes. But these are modern times, and the Celtics have a lot more
going for them now. Mainly their having hands, and hence the ability to
shoot a firearm, is going to spell trouble for the birds as they can
easily be shot out of the sky. I predict a Celtics victory. But if that
Hawks want to have a chance they are going to have to go after the
Celts only good eye(the right one). They could also get lucky and reap
the benefits of a lung cancer diagnosis mid-game due to the Celts love
for pipe smoking.
Prediction: Celtics 4-1
Pistons vs. 76ers: One
of the battles that I have only seen before in my greatest of dreams,
car parts against people from the year 1776. I think too much has
changed in the past 200 years for the 76ers to be competitive in this
series. They are still riding around on horses, wearing those triangle
hats, and writing articles of confederacy. Look for the Pistons to
drive right over the Sixers while they are in the middle of the street
attemtping to draft a declaration of independence.
Prediction: Pistons 4-1
Magic vs. Raptors: It's
magic versus velociraptors. To get a proper feel for this movie you
have to look at the popularity of the two mascots. Raptors were all the
rage back in the 90's with the Jurassic Park films, but now it's all
about Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord Of The Rings. Magic is everywhere
and Orlando is going to tap into this pop culture relevance to put away
that red #### wearing oversized dinosaur shoes. Also, it is very
tough to maintain good ball control with a three-fingered claw hand.
Magic win in a closer one.
Prediction: Magic 4-2
Wizards vs. Cavaliers: The
magic users take on the men trained in arms and horsemanship. This is
also an age-old fued that dates back to the middle ages. Cavaliers
nearly drove Wizards to extinction, both in the old war and the last
few years in their playoff series. I think it's finally time for the
Wiz to strike back. Firstly, look how flexible they are. There is no
reason why that pose is even necessary, yet they are doing it. Also,
they can levitate a basketball and point at the sun at the same time.
That takes skill. Their skills will narrowly overcome that of the Cavs.
Paul
Pierce demands 3 chairs instead of 1. Paul Pierce demands a turban hat
sponsored by Gatorade. Paul Pierce demands a strange leg sleeve that
only goes over his left shin. Paul Pierce demands he be able to spread
his legs as wide as possible when sitting. Thankfully for us all, Paul
Pierce also demands spandex undershorts.
With
their 3rd loss in 4 games last night to the Washington Wizards, the
Boston Celtics fell to a lowly 30-6. "The standard set by Boston sports
teams is extremely high, and the Celtics simply aren't living up to it
by merely having the best record in all the NBA," said Lord Chief Curt
Schilling of the Boston Sports Confederation. The BSC is a group of the
highest ranking sports figures in the Beantown area including Manny
Ramirez, Jonathan Papelbon, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Marc Savard
of the Bruins.
The statement from Schilling pre-dated yesterday's
loss to the Wizards, and makes the BSC prime suspects in the crime that
happened following the game. After the 88-83 loss, the Celtics were
leaving TD Banknorth Garden(their stadium is actually named this
nonsense) when they were accosted by a group of unknown attackers. They
were left bloody and beaten behind the arena, and police are looking
for clues.
Chief Inspector Roger Gadget was put in charge of the
investigation. At a press conference he called for all Boston citizens
to come forward if they had any information about the attack. He said
he had no leads as of yet, but that he was looking for them with all of
his ability. He then proceeded to yell "Go Go Gadget Helicopter", at
which point giant blades came out of his hat and made him fly up into
the air. While Gadget has yet to find any clues, a little girl and an
anthropomorphic dog who were also at the scene told The Sports Comedian
they had a su####ion it was the BSC behind the attack.
"When you
read the quote they made about the Celtics it gets you thinking," said
the girl who identified herself as Penny. "I've analyzed the body of
Paul Pierce here. Now, someone obviously beat him, mostly in the face,
and then took a #### on him. But looking at the #### you can see there
is Northern Idaho corn in that very feces. There is only one place that
serves Northern Idaho corn in the area, and that is a KFC that just
happens to be less than 3 miles from Bill Belichick's home. Also notice
the indentation on the forehead of Kevin Garnett here, it's from a ring
so big it could be one of only two types. Either Kobe Bryant's
I-didn't-rape-that-girl ring he gave to his wife, or a Super Bowl ring."
The
anthropomorphic dog then interrupted her. "Yeah, there is all that. But
then there's also this..." He took out some tweezers and pulled a gold
object out of the arm of Ray Allen. It was a small golden flag that
said "2007 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox". Curt Schilling could
not be reached for comment, apparently he has taken a vacation out of
the country.
The
Boston Celtics paced around the locker room after the game confused and
bewildered. They did not know what had just happened out there on the
court. The scoreboard said Bobcats 95, Celtics 83, but the team didn't
understand how someone could end up with more points than them. Boston
had been 29-3 up to that point in the season. It was then that Doc
Rivers came into the locker room with a solemn look on his face. The
following is a transcript what happened next.
"Alright boys, have a seat. We need to have a little talk." -Doc Rivers
"A talk about what, coach?" -Ray Allen
"About
what you guys saw out there. I know there's a lot you don't understand
right now. You see, when a boy bee and a girl bird love each other very
much, they sometimes decide they want to play what's called a
basketball game." -Doc Rivers
"A basketball game! Ew!" -Paul Pierce
"Girl birds have cooties!" -Kevin Garnett
"That's
why you have to make the bird get a test before you play the game,
there are a lot of dangerous cooties out there. When playing against a
bird you know to have played basketball with a lot of different people,
we'll call her a veteran, make sure to wear a protective arm sleeve.
This helps against the cooties." -Doc Rivers
"How does this explain tonight coach?" -Ray Allen
"I'm
getting to it! Now, when that girl bird is playing defense, sometimes
she'll run a Box And 1 defense. The bee will attempt to break through
her box and get his stinger and the ball into the hoop." -Doc Rivers
"Yuck! I'm not going to sting a ...girl!"- Kevin Garnett
"Trust
me boys, you will want to when the time is right. But my point is this,
sometimes the bird actually plays good defense, and you get rejected on
a drive to the lane. Then you have to back off and call a new play, or
she might call arena security. Sometimes her defense is so good, she
rejects you all game and you end up scoring more points than her. This
is what's called a loss." -Doc Rivers
"A loss? Why would we ever want to have one of those?" -Ray Allen
I
know. You guys are very young, and I didn't think you'd be exposed to
one of these losses until the conference championship against Detroit.
But, it happened, so now you know. Sometimes these things are going to
happen. Not often, as we are in the Eastern Conference, which has some
of the loosest legs in all of pro sports. But it will happen." -Doc
Rivers
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Paul
Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the
NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los
Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a
layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped
into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The
collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in
the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and
stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a
giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines,
dissolving all his skin and internal organs.
The
NBA is stunned today as the matchup everyone wanted to see, the
Lakers-Celtics, has been signed away by the NHL in hopes of luring in
new viewers. The NHL announced they were dumping their previously
in-progress Penguins-Red Wings series which was already 5 games under
way. "Well, people thought they wanted to see this Penguins and Red
Wings final," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "They thought it
would rejuvenate the sport. But then they all remembered how boring
hockey really is, especially when your only marketable star is not
scoring and getting blown out over and over. I'm just happy we can
finally have a matchup for the Stanley Cup that doesn't involve any
hockey, I think that's really going to be what turns the corner and
makes the NHL popular again."
Paul
Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce
that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative
differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular
season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only
9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more
of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and
Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two
of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully
continue buying Big Three merchandise.
The
NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston
Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed
like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in
jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston
has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this
point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure
is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a
championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey
over that."
The
Atlanta Hawks won again last night at home to tie their series with the
Boston Celtics at 2-2. Stunned and shocked would seemingly be the words
to describe the Boston locker room after the game, but surprisingly it
was upbeat. "I'm just excited to be moving on," said Kevin Garnett
after the loss. "This team is good, but I'm looking forward to taking
on Orlando in the next round." He was then informed that they had at
least 2 more games to go with the Hawks before they would face Orlando.
"Ha, well I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm part of the Big
Three here in Boston. We're like the best ever, and we're going to play
the Magic in the next round. These Hawks can come along if they want
and maybe we can fit them in somewhere after."
With
their 3rd loss in 4 games last night to the Washington Wizards, the
Boston Celtics fell to a lowly 30-6. "The standard set by Boston sports
teams is extremely high, and the Celtics simply aren't living up to it
by merely having the best record in all the NBA," said Lord Chief Curt
Schilling of the Boston Sports Confederation. The BSC is a group of the
highest ranking sports figures in the Beantown area including Manny
Ramirez, Jonathan Papelbon, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Marc Savard
of the Bruins.
