I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.
• The Bengals and Cowboys are very evenly matched. Potent offense, questionable defense, superstar wide receivers, they are even tied on felonies with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones going against one another. But wait, the Bengals went out and got a leg up on criminality by acquiring Cedric Benson...They are going to take this thing.
• The Happening: Now on DVD in a director's cut edition much less #### than the one you saw in theatres!
• New York Giants- Is there any team more overrated than this one? These guys kind of suck, am I the only one who sees it?
• Sage Rosenfels is a great backup quarterback because he plays mistake free football, look for no falloff with him taking over for Matt Schaub.
• Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.
• The contest between Ravens and Titans should be an exciting one. These are two offenses waiting to bust out, look for an offensive shootout in Baltimore.
  
• Now that Matt Millen is out as the GM of the Lions, Detroit can finally play some quality football.
• Once you get up on the Redskins, they really lack the offense to be able to come back.
• That Bud Light girl can freeze my time whenever she wants...
• Well, I know it's a bit early, but I've been so impressed with the undefeated Buffalo Bills that I've already booked nonrefundable airfare and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!
• Kansas City kind of sucks, but they have to score some points at some point this season. Maybe a safety? 2 points. They have to get at least 2 points.
• A lot of people wonder just what exactly is in the state of Montana. Apparently it is comprised entirely of giant desert car testing facilities, because they have to put all those somewhere, and I've never seen one in a real state.
• The Brian Griese ex-team reunion tour continues as he is sure to pick apart a very bad Denver defense.
• Matt Cassel and Randy Moss just don't have the same chemisty that he and Brady used to have. Very sad they won't be lighting up the stat sheet anymore...

(On a side Sage Rosenfels note: Back when he played for Miami he used to offer himself for parties. You could pay and have the Dolphins third string quarterback come to your party where he would schmooze with your guests and tell them exciting stories about how he once said hello to AJ Feeley in the locker room. I can only imagine how much people would pay in Houton to get ahold of him tonight...)

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Sorry Washington, there is no way you are beating America's football analyst bandwagon team.
• Ha ha Jets! You guys get stuck with Brett Favre, who's so old he just can't keep it up for an entire game. I bet by the second quarter he's already gassed. You guys only wish you had Aaron Rodgers, someone so durable and so accurate.
• Remember when Larry Johnson was actually good? Even the horrid Denver defense is going to be able to shut him down.
• Seriously, what's with the lamp? You can only buy 99.9% of the official Steelers team merchandise released?! You sir, are not a fan.
• The Chargers have looked decent in recent weeks, but I just don't think they have an explosive enough offense to rally in the 4th quarter.
• It will be a tough task for the Rams stadium announcing crew to keep from laughing out loud when they announce Trent Green as their starting quarterback. It will be an even tougher task to keep them from offing themselves later in the season after watching a few more games of this team.
• Frank Caliendo's Dish Network commercials, just as hilarious as his TBS show featuring sketches with an astounding 8 impersonations, 4 of which are John Madden. A show so funny even TBS said it wasn't good enough to stay on their air.
• The Titans undefeated streak will end this week when they run into the unstoppable force that is Gus Frerotte.
• With Carson Palmer out with a last-minute injury, the Bengals hand the reigns over to Ryan Fitzpatrick from Harvard. At least with a guy that smart, they won't be making too many costly mistakes...
• Come on Jacksonville, have an exciting close game for once!
• Thank you Coors Light, finally a beer bottle that turns blue to tell us when it's cold, it was way too hard to tell by touching it with our hands.

This is a joke column we run weekly here at TSC and on CBSSports.com. Some people however fail to realize that it is in fact a joke, so to check out the hilarious responses check out THIS and THIS.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• A little known fact around the NFL is the close friendship of Norv Turner and Ed Hochuli. They frequently spend their off time fishing, riding a bicycle built for two, sharing a plate of spaghetti like in the movie "Lady & The Tramp". It's a wonderful friendship, and more than just a little ####. But these guys are the best of friends, and I can't see anything getting in the way of that.
• Now that Chad Johnson has changed to his Ocho Cinco jersey, this offense will really get going.
  
• All the teases CBS ran for 60 Minutes asking the question "Want to find out all about Supreme Court Justice Scalia?" were really on the money for the football audience. The first thing they love is sports, the second thing is Supreme Court Justice biographies.
• There has been no Super Bowl winner as big a fluke as the New York Giants. They will struggle to keep narrowly beating teams all season.
• Watch Out For "Big Play" Tarvaris Jackson this week against a weak Colts secondary.
• I'm glad the Chiefs have finally decided on a quarterback in Damon Huard, I bet they stick with him for awhile. They have someone named Tyler Thigpen as their third QB, thank God we never have to see that name on the field.
• You've gotta love all the guys sorting through papers and surfing the internet in the background of the NFL On FOX Pregame show. I want that job, the job of looking busy and acting like things are going on.
• I hear Cleveland has beautiful weather this time of year.
• At least Miami has their great defense to keep them in games this season. Kurt Warner might make a few passes, but he can't throw the long ball like he used to.
• I just got back in town from a long vacation overseas! I had my late fantasy draft on friday, and managed to get Tom Brady with the last pick in the first round! I am going to dominate these fools! I can't wait to see how he does later today.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The Cleveland Browns' Derek Anderson made his first showing in a Pro Bowl after an excellent 2007 season, in which he threw 29 touchdown passes. But it was not a great showing for the first year starter in the game of NFL all-stars, as he completed 10 of 26 passes for 103 yards, no TDs and an interception. Anderson blamed the play of his team, which was not up to the level of quality those he has in Cleveland.

"This team is just a bunch of nobodies," said a frustrated Anderson after the game. "I'm used to playing with some of the greats up there in Cleveland, like Darnell Dinkins and Tim Carter. I don't know why this team signed scrubs like this C. Johnson and T. Gonzalez. But they sure can't catch a ball to save their lives."

When he was picked off in the endzone during the third quarter, he stormed to the sideline and angrily threw down his helmet. "What's up with this line protection? These guys couldn't block for a college team! They're just awful! It's like they've only been playing together for a week or something! The other team gets established superstars like Adrian Peterson and my side gets saddled with unknown garbage like Fred Taylor? Who is this guy and where did he come from?"

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Running back Gilbert Harris of the Kansas City Chiefs was stunned to learn that he was not the winner of the Offensive Rookie Of The Year Award when it was announced Wednesday. The honor went to Vikings running back Adrian Peterson who ran for over 1300 yards, including an NFL record 296 in one game, in limited action. Harris finished the season with 9 carries for 9 yards, 1 fumble, and the Chiefs lost every game in which he touched the ball, including the preseason. He had a dazzling performance against the Titans where he ran for -4 yards.

Harris began worrying around midnight at the party he was throwing for himself in anticipation of winning the award. "I got a little concerned that I hadn't heard anything yet. I was sitting there with my parents and family, and we were ready to party on account of my award. I figured they would call me to let me know I had won the thing, as the results were supposed to be in at 8:00 PM or so. So, I told the stripper who was dancing on me to get off so I could call the league office. When I did they pretended like they didn't even know who I was! It took 10 minutes just to find my name, at which point they told me I will not be receiving the ROY this year."

"This is a load of ####! I had an ice sculpture made of me as a barbarian holding the head of a Mongol warrior, which was supposed to symbolize me conquering the league as I had done during the season. I had a kiddy pool filled with Cristal we were all going to jump in and get all sticky. Well, all of that is going to go to waste now. I even had P. Diddy over, who had written a customized rap about me he was going to sing to all the guests called 'Gilbert Is Hard As Diamonds'. But, this all serves as motivation for the future. I promise, next year I'm going to win this award."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
• John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
• Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
  
• Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
• The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
• I picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
• Is there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience likes.
• I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
• Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
  
• That commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
• Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
• The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
  
• Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The Patriots have looked amazing so far this season, but they always struggle against Miami. That defense is just too good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• I'm gonna be glued to my TV for the offensive battle of the week: Raiders-Chiefs. These offenses are so explosive, the entire bay area might be blown off the map.
• It would be great if Kid Nation really featured kids trying to make their own society, instead of CBS telling them what to do. They would kill each other over cookies, the largest kid would become a quasi-dictator who would give an extreme wedgie to anyone who challenged him, and the boys and girls would splinter off and war over a disease ravaging the town, a disease known as cooties.
• Damn it, I need a bye-week kicker for my fantasy team. Who's available? Rob Bironas? Who the hell is that? I'll take Olindo Mare instead, that Saints offense is great.
• The Byron Leftwich era will last a long long time in Atlanta.
• Tampa Bay has won so far because of the mistake-free play of Jeff Garcia. Look for them to take down Detroit in a similar fashion.
• 
• In a secret lab owned by Sprint, somewhere deep below the surface, Peyton Manning is forced to wear a suit and keep his hand over a yellow egg floating in bioluminescent goo. This has something to do with football and trivia, but we have yet to find out what.
  
• Rudi Johnson is out for Cincinnati? They are finished.
• Tavares Jackson may not be a great quarterback at this time in his career, but at least he's accurate.
• Is there any prison built that can hold in two bald identical-looking male models? Apparently not, somehow Prison Break has been on for 3 seasons now.

SportsComedian.com

It was announced Tuesday that Michael Bennett has been traded from the Kansas City Chiefs to the Tamba Bay Buccaneers for likely a second-day draft pick.

Bennett, a first-round draft choice by Minnesota out of the University of Wisconsin in 2001, went on the trading block when the Chiefs activated Priest Holmes to the active roster. Holmes, a former Pro Bowler who set a NFL record by scoring 27 touchdowns during the '03 season, is attempting a comeback after missing the last two years with a neck injury.

Meanwhile, Bennett will have a shot at a comeback of his own. After starting all 16 games and rushing for 1,296 yards and five touchdowns during the '02 season with the Vikings, Bennett has rushed for just 1,448 and five TDs the last five seasons combined. He signed with the Chiefs as a free agent in March '06.

Bennett will be the fourth Bucs starting running back of the season, after Cadillac Williams and Michael Pittman both went down in consecutive weeks with season-ending injuries. It was not made public how Bennett plans to avoid sustaining a serious injury like the rest of the RBs that have come before him, but we at The Sports Comedian have DISCOVERED A BID on a piece of safety equipment that might just be from Mr. Bennett's account.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• My fantasy team may be going to hell, but I'm sure glad I stayed away from Adrian Peterson on draft day. That guy doesn't have what it takes to play on this level.
• This is the week the Cincinnati Bengals get back on track against a bad Kansas City team.
• I think the Dallas defense matches up very well against New England.
• No one would give the uber-annoying Frank Caliendo his own show to showcase his never-ending Madden impersonation. Especially not TBS, because they know funny.
  
• The Cardinals have finally stabilized themselves at quarterback, thank goodness.
• Vinny Testaverde and Jeff Garcia are just too old to get it done in today's NFL.
• Erectile dysfunction pill commercials really know their audience, I am sure there have been many times an old couple was sitting in two seperate bathtubs outside on top of a mountain, and wanting to do it, only to have some ED ruin the fun.
• Whoa! The Miami defense is available in my fantasy free agent pool? And they're playing Cleveland! I've got an easy W this week!
• I think the St. Louis offense is incredibly underrated. Gus Frerotte was great in Washington...10 years ago.
• This is the week Shannon Sharp goes to a vocal coach to correct his nonsensical mumbling speech.

SportsComedian.com