The Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a 25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third. It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride around in, instead of having to take the bus."

Paxson vowed that having all the lottery winnings will not change who his team is. "We're still going to be the same old post-Jordan Bulls, I promise you that. No amount of good players is going to turn us into a championship contender, that's for sure. We're going to still perenially underachieve despite being in a weak conference." Old relatives who haven't talked to the team in years are now coming out of the woodwork to get reacquainted. Uncle Scottie Pippen gave Paxson a call yesterday to talk about the good old times, and to tell him about his gambling and heroin addictions he could use some monetary help with.

The Chicago players are also ecstatic to get the chance to play with some of the outstanding college talent. "I hear they have some of the best players in the world in the college system," said Kirk Hinrich. "It's going to be an honor to share the floor with some of them. Hopefully they can show us a thing or two about how this game is played at the highest levels."