The Dolphins have announced that the competition for their starting quarterback spot in the upcoming season will now be an open contest between anyone in the organization. Originally thought to be a two man race between John Beck, Josh McCown, and Chad Henne, new coach Tony Sparano says he doesn't want to limit it to just them. Beck especially is said to be very upset about the news, "This is completely unfair! How am I supposed to beat out all the great players we have in this organization? I saw our kicker throwing a ball around before practice, and he could toss it almost 20 yards! How can I compete with that? I also heard some people say the training facility janitor throws a mean roll of toilet paper. I'm so screwed. It says quarterback next to my name on the depth chart, that should be enough."

Sparano has released his preliminary depth chart for the quarterback position based on OTAs, and it is 100 spots deep. Henne was the only quarterback who managed to crack it. "I feel honored," said Henne. "To be among the 81st best quarterback in this entire organization is really saying something. We have some real athletic fry cooks who work in the stadium, I'm not ashamed to admit they are a little better than me." If the season began today, the starting quarterback for the Dolphins would be Frank, one of the 4 men who share duties in the cartoon dolphin mascot costume. Skyy, a cheerleader, and Manuel, one of the Spanish groundskeepers, round out the top 3 on the depth chart.

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The Miami Dolphins today announced they were hiring Tony Soprano, world renowned television mob boss as their head coach. In his welcoming press conference he announced several odd changes that are unknown at this time if they will help to Dolphins return to respectability.

• Between seasons there will be a two-year break, sometimes longer depending on other programming. Soprano says they may even split up a season and play one half and then take a year break and play the other.
  
• At least one major starter will be whacked each year, this will help keep starting players and the rest of the team on their toes.
• Ricky Williams, until he starts playing well again, will now be called "Big ####y".
• There will not be an actual end to games, and the last 7 minutes instead of deciding the score, will be spent with a slow-motion montage set to the Journey song "Don't Stop Believing"

It's doubtful any of this will help the Dolphins, who last season appeared to be the worst team in the history of football. But it's at least interesting.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
• Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
• Unfrozen from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
• Why does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
• Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
• Obviously with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
• Alright Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole lot less hilarious.
• Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises everyone by showing he's not retired.
• Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
• The Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998, although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record is better.
  
• People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large. For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of National Treasure 2.

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The Miami Times broke a story today about their main sports website editor being found in Mexico with no recollection of how he got there. Bob Thomas, the man in charge of the Miami Times sports section of their website has apparently been missing since mid-September, only nobody noticed. Neither the other Times employees nor the readers noticed that the site had not been updated in months. "We are all quite embarrassed by this incident," said Gerald Hayes, owner of the Times. "But in our defense, how were we to know the site wasn't being updated? The sports landscape here in Miami has been largely unchanged over the past few months, even years. We were actually looking into automating our sports department. We'd just find stories about teams losing and franchises falling apart and replace the names with Miami teams. Marlins, Heat, Dolphins, whatever that hockey team is that plays here. We all suck."

The page in question at the Times website has remained the same for the last several months. It's headline read "Miami Loses Big", with a picture of Trent Green being sacked. But many readers interviewed didn't realized that Trent Green wasn't their quarterback anymore. "Cleo Lemon? That's a real person? That sounds like a character from PeeWee's Playhouse or something. I refuse to believe he's our QB. But I also don't believe the Miami Dolphins are a real team, I think they're just a trick my friend Tom is playing on me," said a Miami resident and Times reader. "I also don't believe in the ocean. I think it's just blue space grass put here long ago by aliens. That's why there are all those weird creatures in it."

Many Miamians are too depressed about their team to even read actual articles about their latest losses. Hence the details about Miami's heartbreaking loss to Washington in overtime during week 1 never clued anyone into the page's outdatedness. The page also featured timeless stories such as "Marlins Dismantling Continues", "Shaq Out Of Shape, Heat In Trouble", and "Miami Hurricanes Underachieve".

Bob Thomas, the man in question, was found in Mexico and had no idea how he got there or what he had been doing. It could be extreme distress over the state of Miami sports, something that was his lively hood. Many Dolphins and Heat season ticket holders have gone missing over the past few weeks, many believe the lack of winning has driven them to the brink of insanity. But he was back at work Monday and updated the site for the first time in months, much to the relief of readers and co-workers. The site now features up-to-date stories such as "Miami Loses Huge","Heat Worst In League", "Trade Of Cabrera Only Beginning Of Marlins Dismantling".

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
• John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
• Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
  
• Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
• The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
• I picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
• Is there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience likes.
• I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
• Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
  
• That commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
• Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
• The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
  
• Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!

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