"I'm so proud of the special group of youngsters we've developed here in the Florida Marlins Organization," said team owner Jeffrey Loria, following his team's surprising 1st place finish through two weeks of the baseball season. The team from Miami, known more for selling off prospects than winning World Series in 1997 and 2003, might be looking to sell again sooner than they thought.

"We were able to make some real money by selling all our stars following the World Series years, and even made some cool dollars last year by trading away our best pitcher and hitter to Detroit. I thought it would be at least 3 more seasons before we would be able to do it again, but I guess these guys are ready to be sold after all. I see us more as a foster home than a baseball team, we just raise them and then send them off into the real baseball world. So, who's ready to buy some players? Remember, this is the team that beat out Johan Santana's Mets and Ryan Howard's Phillies for first place!"

The Minnesota Twins were sent scrambling for a replacement for ace Johan Santana after trading him to New York last month. They couldn't get someone with his talent, so they instead got someone who looked a lot like him, in Livan Hernandez. The 1997 World Series MVP is on to a new team after spending last year with Arizona. While Santana had a mid-90's fastball, Hernandez brings a mid 60's Eephus pitch. While Johan weighed a light 200, Livan comes in at a pudgy 260.

But Twins management hopes they can fool the majority of their fans and get Hernandez into Santana's old uniform and position. "Hopefully our fans don't follow sports news," said own Carl Pohland. "I don't think that ESPN channel is received by many people, and I don't know anyone who has that internet nonsense. Hopefully we can just pit him in the uniform and people won't be able to tell it's not Johan from way up in the stands. It's not like baseball is shown on that moving picture box."

It's unknown if this gamble will pay off for Minnesota, but their ownership seems to be very aware of the state of their business.

When word of the trade of Johan Santana went through, the people in the Mets clubhouse knew they would have quite a lot of work to do. Santana is one of the best pitchers in the game, if not the best, and his addition to the Mets roster makes the established identity of the Mets a little less clear. Long known as the underachievers in the National League, despite one of the largest payrolls in all of baseball, New York could actually be good this year.

"Well, it's tough," said manager Willie Randolph. "It's a lot harder than people think to be able to waste all this talent we have on this team. When I was brought in, I was told what the objective was here in New York: keep on losing. People like lovable losers, and that's what we've become. No matter the payroll, no matter the acquisition, we always have to disappoint. That almost didn't happen last year, I had to manage us out of a big division lead over the last month of the season."

"He's gonna need some work," said pitching coach Rick Peterson while watching a video of Santana. "Look at that throwing motion, it's almost beautiful, flawless. That's not something we can have here, he's not going to give up enough homeruns doing that. We're gonna have to teach him some erroneous leg kick, maybe an underhanded toss, or even just have him kick the ball towards the plate. That's more like a Mets delivery."

"I bought Mets season tickets next year," said an outraged fan. "I was going to take my son to the games and show him that you can't always win in life, often times you lead the league in ERA and lose to a pathetic team like the Marlins. It was supposed to be a metaphor for life, and help him realize he should probably just give up his dreams, go to junior college, and manage a McDonald's. Now they could actually win! He's gonna want to play baseball, or be a molecular biologist or something! Damn you Mets, damn you!"

The Minnesota Twins announced they have received a trade offer from the Boston Red Sox for Johan Santana they are seriously considering. This game just a day after the New York Yankees stated they were pulling out of the running for Santana, after claiming the deal was taking too long. Santana, the game's best pitcher for the last several seasons, is trying to be moved by the Twins before he becomes a free agent at the end of 2008.

GM Bill Smith called a press conference to talk about the trade. "We're very happy with what the Red Sox have proposed to us for Johan. They initially offered a yearlong supply of Coco Crisp cereal, to which I countered that I like cereal with marshmallows. So they agreed that we can have Coco Crisp, or any General Mills replacement. They also offered Jonathan Papelbon's brother's 1994 Buick LeSabre. Now that is a great car, it's American made, but sounds French and fancy. This is by far the most attractive offer we have on the table."

When asked why they didn't have any players being offered in return for Santana, Bill continued, "Players are good and all, but what are they going to get you in the end? A division title, a world championship? It's all just a game. What we can get from this deal is both transportation in a classy vehicle and breakfast of our choice. You've gotta think in the real world here."

The Red Sox offer definitely tops the previous one by the Yankees, which was everything currently in Hank Steinbrenner's pocket. It consisted of an old leather wallet, 8 dollars, some Wrigley's gum, a Twisted Pleasure condom, and a CVS Pharmacy Card.

SportsComedian.com
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