Al Davis finally fired Lane Kiffin this morning, after weeks of speculation by the press that the move was forthcoming. He held a press conference to address the issue, as it had spun a bit out of control in the media in recent weeks. Davis drove his Rascal personal old person scooter up to the podium, saying he had just gotten back from a trip to the grand canyon. He came in wearing a giant Raiders jacket, because they always make it so cold in here. During the trip, he said he had a lot of time to think about the team's situation, and decided it best to let Lane go now, so that he would still have the opportunity to fire a couple more head coaches before the season ends.

Davis then pulled out a stack of mail, which apparently included a letter he sent to Lane Kiffin telling him about his decision, but it had been misplaced. Davis proceeded to begin reading each piece of mail in order to find it. After a couple hours of listening to him read bills, hate mail from Oakland fans, and special offers from Life Alert, he finally found the letter. After all that reading he was quite parched, so he called over his personal waitress that follows him around everywhere and serves him drinks like in a 60's jazz club. He got a mix of Ensure, vodka, and gin, a drink he called a "Salty Reagan".

He read the letter aloud, talking about his dislike for the loud music Lane Kiffin would play from his headphones. "An iPod volume setting over 25 will not be tolerated here," he said in stern words. "I can almost hear the music myself, and I don't share his tastes for hippy rock 'n roll. He also destroyed my lawn with his game against the Chargers last week! I spend a lot of time on that lawn, and he goes and tears it up with all those blacks he is always hanging out with on Sundays. I couldn't tolerate this behavior any longer, it was time for a change."

Al Davis then made a strange awkward face, and his personal nurse came over to see what was the matter. He whispered something into her ear, and she proceeded to lift him up onto the podium and begin to change his adult diaper. Most of those in attendance then began to vomit profusely.

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Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating. But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an "awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to wake someone up like that."

Police tried to explain to Walker they were worried about his safety after discovering him face down with bruises all over his body. "Look, maybe I got robbed and beaten into unconsciousness. But it's Vegas baby, they have agiant pyramid right next to a pirate ship here. Crazy things happen, and they gave me some soiled pants to use as a pillow. It was actually quite comfortable. The cops in this city need to learn to mind their own business. Now if you all will excuse me, I'm going to take a little nap partly because I want to find the Princess again, and partly because of blood loss. Goodnight everyone." At this point Walker fell face-first into the ground and the reporters slowed shuffled out of the room, trying their hardest not to wake him up.

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Denver Broncos wide receiver Javon Walker needs another surgery on his right knee, the one he tore up in the 2005 opener for Green Bay that caused him to miss the entire season. Walker will have an operation Friday in Houston and will be out "for a few weeks," coach Mike Shanahan said Thursday.

"Javon's not feeling very good," Shanahan said. Shanahan didn't have a precise timetable for Walker's return and said he wasn't sure what the procedure entailed.

Let me give some shout-outs on this story:

• First of all to Mike Shanahan for providing so much information on this injury. Not feeling good, out a few weeks, I'm not sure what they're doing to the knee. Hopefully he's not this out of it in other football matters, or it could explain their horrid record this year.
• Secondly, a shout-out to Javon Walker, for finally showing everyone what it looks like to bald from the sides to the top of the head, instead of the other way around. That is the worst mo-hawk I've ever seen, and if there is one thing I know, it's mo-hawks. Obviously
• Third, you gotta love when players who you, for some reason have on every fantasy team you're playing, get long injuries like this. So, I'm gonna give a shout out to myself and my fantasy draft skills. Nothing like making the same mistake 3 times.

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