The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

The Cleveland Browns' Derek Anderson made his first showing in a Pro Bowl after an excellent 2007 season, in which he threw 29 touchdown passes. But it was not a great showing for the first year starter in the game of NFL all-stars, as he completed 10 of 26 passes for 103 yards, no TDs and an interception. Anderson blamed the play of his team, which was not up to the level of quality those he has in Cleveland.

"This team is just a bunch of nobodies," said a frustrated Anderson after the game. "I'm used to playing with some of the greats up there in Cleveland, like Darnell Dinkins and Tim Carter. I don't know why this team signed scrubs like this C. Johnson and T. Gonzalez. But they sure can't catch a ball to save their lives."

When he was picked off in the endzone during the third quarter, he stormed to the sideline and angrily threw down his helmet. "What's up with this line protection? These guys couldn't block for a college team! They're just awful! It's like they've only been playing together for a week or something! The other team gets established superstars like Adrian Peterson and my side gets saddled with unknown garbage like Fred Taylor? Who is this guy and where did he come from?"

Brent Hawkins became the 10th Jacksonville Jaguars player to be arrested in the past two years, when he was stopped for drunken driving last night. The arrests for the Jaguars echo similar to those of the Cincinnati Bengals of last year, when they had 12 arrests in a 2-year span. But is it merely a coincidence that so many people are being arrested who play for large jungle cat teams? Modakai, a panther at the San Diego Zoo, held a press conference to address the issue of discrimination among the police.

"We have long been the target of law enforcement, as they attempt to unfairly shame us and put our species in jails and zoos," said Modakai from behind a podium. "My people will not stand idly by while this continues. I'm glad it is finally coming to everyone's attention what I've been complaining about for years, to the girl who comes and feeds me dead ox flesh every day. Police are framing us, especially the panthers, as they are both large jungle cats and black. It's the worst of both worlds."

"How did I end up in this zoo, doing 10 to 20, you may ask? I was pulled over about a mile from my home at around 1:00 in the morning. The officer asked me if I had been drinking, and I told him it was a logistical impossibility to hold a beer bottle with my paws. He told me to show him my license, and I kindly informed him I did not have one, as I was an endangered black panther. The next thing I knew I was being dragged out of my Cadillac Escalade, beaten, and then tazed. It was humiliating. Mark my words human cops, your day is coming. When the cats rebel against their people overlords, we will see who is laughing. You can not eat our heads, but we can #### yours in one bite. Think about that before you arrest another one of us."

The Vegas line for the Jacksonville Jaguars-New England Patriots game is now out, and it has betters a little confused. After pushing the number to record highs against Miami and New York late in the season, the line for Saturday's game is set at -5v72i˜? in favor of the Pats. The number is yet not understood even by the odds-makers in Vegas, but they feel it is the only proper indication of the odds for a Pats victory. Math professors at Harvard and MIT are teaming up to study the number, and see if they can figure out truly how many points New England will win by.

Many internet gamblers who are looking to blow more of their life savings on football this weekend don't know what to do. "I don't get this thing man," said one such confused better. "There are some numbers in there, but there's also a picture of a table or something." That table is meant to be pi, the number used to measure a circle. It's only the second time pi has been included in a betting line. The last was in 1974 when Dallas played Cleveland and the Cowboys were favored by 4?. They were about to cover when the Browns made a meaningless field goal at the last second that was then worth ?. The pi field goal rule has since been removed.

The Jacksonville Jaguars gathered in a meeting called by Jack Del Rio late Thursday night. He was there to break all of them that they have one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL, and his name is David Garrard. 65% passing, 13 TDs, 1 INT, and a 103 QB rating are his stats on the season, yet no one knows he even exists.

"What is this nonsense you are spouting Del Rio?!" said an irate Fred Taylor after the announcement. "We are the Jaguars! We do not have good quarterbacks! And if we did, you'd think some of us would notice." It was then that Garrard emerged from behind a curtain, illiciting gasps from the team. "What is that?! I've never seen anything like it before in my entire career!"

"It's called a good quarterback," replied Del Rio. "His name is David Garrard, and he's actually been on our team and playing in all our games so far. He's been downright great, but no one has noticed."

The team had many questions after that. Some were amazed at what a good QB looked like, having never seen one before. Others simply wanted to touch him. "It's amazing," said receiver Reggie Williams. "I never noticed he was throwing me the ball. Apparently I also have a locker next to his, carpool with him, and babysit his kids on the weekend. Who knew!"

We contacted the NFL on when they would be making an announcement about Garrard being a great QB to the general public. They say the world is not yet ready to know, and are going to make the statement before the playoffs officially begin.

But the most surprised people of all of Garrard's existence were his own parents, who Del Rio informed at their home. "Apparently we have a 29-year-old boy named David, and he's good at football," said a stunned James Garrard. "I don't remember ever raising a son, but I guess we did somehow. He just snuck up on us all."

While the rest of the world is yet unaware of Garrard, the United States Government is seeking samples of his DNA to use in stealth technology. "We could make some amazing stealth bombers with whatever David Garrard is made out of," said a Pentagon spokesperson. "No one saw him coming, and no one is noticing him at this very moment. That's what we need, a bomber that can be right in front of your face dropping a nuke or throwing a touchdown, and you'd never even see it."

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary, almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
• The David Carr era begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
• If the NFL were a carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The San Diego Chargers.
• How many commercials must there be of enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
• I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
• Tom Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this year than last.
• Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god that line is back.
  
• There are a lot of ads for anti-balding products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
• First place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play in the AFC West.
• Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
• Maurice Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10 yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
• What was the first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20 years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."