I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.
• The Bengals and Cowboys are very evenly matched. Potent offense, questionable defense, superstar wide receivers, they are even tied on felonies with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones going against one another. But wait, the Bengals went out and got a leg up on criminality by acquiring Cedric Benson...They are going to take this thing.
• The Happening: Now on DVD in a director's cut edition much less #### than the one you saw in theatres!
• New York Giants- Is there any team more overrated than this one? These guys kind of suck, am I the only one who sees it?
• Sage Rosenfels is a great backup quarterback because he plays mistake free football, look for no falloff with him taking over for Matt Schaub.
• Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.
• The contest between Ravens and Titans should be an exciting one. These are two offenses waiting to bust out, look for an offensive shootout in Baltimore.
  
• Now that Matt Millen is out as the GM of the Lions, Detroit can finally play some quality football.
• Once you get up on the Redskins, they really lack the offense to be able to come back.
• That Bud Light girl can freeze my time whenever she wants...
• Well, I know it's a bit early, but I've been so impressed with the undefeated Buffalo Bills that I've already booked nonrefundable airfare and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!
• Kansas City kind of sucks, but they have to score some points at some point this season. Maybe a safety? 2 points. They have to get at least 2 points.
• A lot of people wonder just what exactly is in the state of Montana. Apparently it is comprised entirely of giant desert car testing facilities, because they have to put all those somewhere, and I've never seen one in a real state.
• The Brian Griese ex-team reunion tour continues as he is sure to pick apart a very bad Denver defense.
• Matt Cassel and Randy Moss just don't have the same chemisty that he and Brady used to have. Very sad they won't be lighting up the stat sheet anymore...

(On a side Sage Rosenfels note: Back when he played for Miami he used to offer himself for parties. You could pay and have the Dolphins third string quarterback come to your party where he would schmooze with your guests and tell them exciting stories about how he once said hello to AJ Feeley in the locker room. I can only imagine how much people would pay in Houton to get ahold of him tonight...)

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The most exciting time of the year is here in the NFL, and I'm of course talking about the NFL NIT Selection. Nothing is better than finding out all the interesting first round matchups for the tournament for teams that weren't quite good enough to make it to the real playoffs. We at TSC are covering the selection show live, and are here with all the first round games and some analysis.

• Cleveland Browns vs. Gardening: The Brownsleftthe stadium Sunday knowing they had an outside shot at the number 6 seed in the AFC. But the Titans disrupted those plans by beating the Colts. While not being able to get that last seed, Romeo Crennel gave his team some actual tomato and sunflower seeds and told them maybe they should take up gardening in the offseason, as football might not be for them.
• Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cincinnati Police Department: These two old rivals will battle it out once again this year. The Bengals managed to avoid any serious offenses this season, but there is still plenty of bad blood between the two. Receiver Chris Henry is especially mad about a domestic abuse arrest last year, something he claims was only because his wife asked him to "Show me what boxing feels like."
• Houston Texans vs. Pink Dancing Elephants: The Houston Texans are going up against those damn pink dancing elephants from Disney's Fantasia. Because the Texans are obviously living in Fantasia if they thought they had a chance at the playoffs with Sage Rosenfels at the helm.
• Philadelphia Eagles vs. Mark Wahlberg: Philly will face off with their acting equivalent in Mark Wahlberg. If you saw him in his band Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch, you probably thought he sucked, but if you see him now in movies like The Departed, you say "Hey! He's pretty good after all!" That is probably also what you are saying now about the Eagles, despite them looking like carmelized dog #### only 4 weeks ago.
• Minnesota Vikings vs. Killer Robots: This matchup makes no sense whatsoever, it would just be cool to see Vikings fight killer robots. It may be too cool actually. I don't know if we would be able to handle it.
  
• Arizona Cardinals vs. Rob Schneider: The Arizona Cardinals are opposing that Rob Schneider character from the Adam Sandler movies who yells "You can do it!" and "We suck again!" which is pretty much the embodiment of every Cardinals fan. Also it's been about as long since Rob Schneider has been funny as it's been since the Cardinals have had an even decent team.

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For those of you who didn't get to see last night's game, IE most of America, these uniforms really did happen.

(Getty Images)

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The high-octane, fast paced, non-sloppy version of football we play here in America will capture the attention of Europe after this exhibition game. We don't kick balls here, we throw them long into the endzone! (Actual Offensive Tally Sunday: 3 FGs, 2 PATs, 1 Passing TD)
• The Patriots finally come up against a good passing defense this week. Look for trips to the endzone to be scarce for New England.
• If you trust you take financial investing advice from cartoon people, then you should put your money with Charles Shwab. Apparently they all do.
• Once the Jets make the change to Kellen Clemens they will benefit immensely from his accuracy and mistake-free play.
• Why is nobody starting Brooks Bollinger? His name is Brooks Bollinger!
• After years of Subway serving subs with so little meat even vegetarians will eat them, of using veggies that taste like wet pieces of slime, of serving "fresh-baked" bread that makes you long for Wonder brand. Subway is now giving soup the same wonderful treatment. Stop in today!
• The Bengals don't suck!(My most inaccurate day-too-late prediction of all time)
• Now that Trent Edwards is solidified as the Buffalo starter, they can finally get some consistency at the QB position.
• The Dolphins were dumb to trade Daunte Culpepper, he will continue to light it up for Oakland and put all kinds of points on the board.
• The Geico Gecko's accent keeps getting progressively more British. Pretty soon their commercials will sound like "When you're done snogging in your car, be sure to check the bonnet and see if your cherry could use some more petrol. My! I'm feeling a wee bit knackered, I better hit the loo before I get all mingered. Oh yes, also save some quid with Geico."
• I finally unloaded Drew Brees on some unsuspecting sap in my fantasy league! I got Matt Schaub in return! How do you spell Victory?
• With McNabb sucking up the field, it's going to be Brian Westbrook's high yards per carry that will lead the Eagles to a win this week.

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