Many a young boy from Houston, Texas have dreamed about one day being in the big leagues. Being able to don the uniform of the Houston Astros, and be a part of their historic franchise. Being one of the few people close enough to be able to choke out the horrible general manager of the struggling 'Stros and get a measure of revenge for having to watch this team over the course of the last 2 years.

On Wednesday, pitcher Shawn Chacon got to live that dream when he tackled GM Ed Wade by the neck and threw him to the ground. Teammates and club officials cheered Chacon as he went to town on the neck of the scrawny executive. Reporters called it "the most fight I've seen out of anyone on this club in a long long time". Manager Cecil Cooper held his hand out and gave Chacon a thumbs down like the gladiators of Rome. Lance Berkman shouted "Finish Him". But before Chacon could unleash his finishing move, where he pulls out Wade's spine, he was pulled off by security.

Speaking to reporters after the game, Chacon talked about what it was like to get the opportunity of a lifetime. "This is just every kid's dream, bottom of the night, 2 lights out in a dim hallway, and you alone with the man responsible for putting together this pitching staff. I just tried to keep my excitement in-check as I viciously attacked him, but I was almost giddy with laughter. I remember playing in my dad's barn and pretending a scarecrow was Ed Wade's neck. I used to practice choking him out 4 or 5 times a day. And now I get the chance to come out here and get paid for choking him. I'm truly blessed, and I want to thank the Astros for this opportunity."

Shawn's triumphant story has inspired members of the community to make changes in their lives. One boy decided to go back to high school, which he had dropped out of several years before. An elderly man decided to start talking again to his brother, with whom he had not spoken to in 18 years. And a stock broker decided to finally choke out his wife, based on Chacon's thrilling performance. It was an exciting night for anyone who dreams of greatness.

SportsComedian.com

Dodgers pitcher Hiroki Kuroda was seen flirting with a no-hitter for several hours on Sunday as Los Angeles took on the Houston Astros. It started in the first inning, when Kuroda struck out two of three and saw the No-Hitter sitting in a box seat by the home dugout. He gave her a tip of his cap, and a little wink. Things got a little more intimate during the third inning, after getting a couple groundouts, when he went over and bought the No-Hitter a drink. They chatted it up for a few minutes while his team built a decent 4-0 advantage over Houston.

As the game entered the 5th inning, and he was still getting play from the No-Hitter, his teammates began to get quiet around him. "Well, you just don't want to talk to a guy who is getting that close to a No-Hitter," said catcher Russell Martin. "We all know how hard it is to get with her, and trust me we have all tried. I've seen so many guys think they are on the doorstep of scoring with her, and then bam, you get knocked around. But, he was quite a gentleman to her, I really thought he was going to have a shot at taking her home after the 9th inning."

But while he made a valiant attempt to score the lady who is known around the league as one of the toughest catches, some major drama unfolded late in the game. After Kuroda took the No-Hitter into the 7th inning, on a nice dinner date, her husband burst onto the field and was enraged to find Kuroda after his wife. Complete Game, husband of no-hitter for the past few decades, was furious at his wife for even considering stepping out on him and dragged her out of the stadium. Needless to say, the Astros proceded to unload on the shocked Kuroda for an 8-5 win.

Despite the fact that Complete Game has been romantically linked to several players this season including Brandon Webb, and several encounters with Roy Halladay, he was still upset at his wife. "No one goes behind my back and after my woman," said Complete Game in an interview with Bob Costas. "And if they try that, my buddies Bat Around The Order and Blown Save are going to rough them up. You saw what we've they've to Eric Gagne recently, and that's just because I heard he once thought about going after my lady."

But in talking to No-Hitter, it's unknown what the future holds for her and Hiroki. "I might like to hang out with him again, he's cute," she said. "I don't know if I'll go all the way with him, as he can't really get strikeouts consistently. But maybe we can flirt again for a few innings. We'll see how it goes. Next time, I'll make sure my husband is out of town with another pitcher."

The sordid details of Roger Clemens personal life continue to trickle out of the woodwork as the former favorite baseball son is dragged through the mud by newspapers and other media. First it was the Mitchell Report, then the McNamee lawsuit, and now the Mindy McCready story. It seems as if the star pitcher can not get anything by the people on his tail. We attempt to round up all the latest allegations that have emerged this week you may not have heard about in our Clemens Scandal Recap:

• Affair With Fetus- It was reported by Extra last night that Clemens had a 9-month relationship with a fetus back in the early 80's. Roger denies that there was anything sexual about the relationship, as that would be logistically impossible. He says he and the fetus used to just hang out and watch movies, sometimes they would talk through a sonogram machine, but they were just friends. The fetus, now the son of Clemens, says that he can not dispute any of the allegations in the report. His wife claims to have no knowledge of the affair. "It was happening literally right under my nose, and I can't believe it."
• Magic Muscle Growth Potion: It has shown up on several blogs that a childhood friend of Clemens once went halfsies with him on some Magic Muscle Growth Potion from the back of a comic book, along with a pair of x-ray glasses. The potion promised to give you "Super Muscles Strong" by putting a drop per day on your biceps. No doubt this is where Clemens first discovered doping.
• Clemens Adds "Misremember" Wikipedia Entry: An IP address that has been linked to Clemens shows that over the past several months he has been maintaining an entry on wikipedia for the word "Misremember". He has ofted cited the site as a source when doing interviews as proof that the word is real. The entry states the word means "a statement showing that Brian McNamee is a #### #### liar pants." His account has also been linked to changes to several Lord Of The Rings entries to correct continuity changes between the books and films.
• Was At Canseco's 4th Grade Birthday Party: Jose Canseco alledges in his new book that Clemens attended his 4th grade birthday party, held at a Chucky Cheese in Houston, Texas. Canseco states that at the party, he discussed anabolic steroids in great detail with Clemens, and also which teachers at school had the nicest boobies. It's unknown at this time if Clemens had a piece of the chocolate/steroids ice cream cake, Canseco's favorite flavor.
  

Fans of the Baltimore Orioles are celebrating today as their team leads the AL East for the third consecutive month. Baltimore, which has been an afterthought in the AL East for the past few seasons, turned it all around back in November when the standings were reset following division foe Boston's World Series victory. Since then they have held the tie-breaker and been atop the rankings, despite no games being played, because of their name being alphabetically better than the rest of the division.

American League East

"We are extremely proud of this team, and all it has accomplished over the past few months," said die-hard Orioles fan Gary Halbert. "Trading off our best hitter in Miguel Tejada, reducing payroll, getting a new manager with very little experience. This has been a great series of events, and I'm amazed we've been able to stay on top."

The success of the lower payroll Orioles over the Yankees and Red Sox has sent a message to other teams of the recipe for beating these titans. "We're thinking about changing the name of our city to Aaampa Bay," said Tampa Bay mayor Rich Gutierrez. "We feel this could really make us competitive in the offseason, when normally Baltimore dominates."

Controversy has arisen in Toronto, which is consistently at the bottom of the leaderboards during both the regular and offseason. They have actually passed a bill changing it's name to "!Toronto". Alpabeticists are unsure if this punctuation mark places them on the top or bottom of the standings. "We want a championship in !Toronto," said a member of their city council. "If you type our new name into a computer, it ranks it first. Therefore, we will emerge triumphant over the rest of the AL East."

"I'm going tonight to Camden Yards to watch the Orioles not play tonight," added Halbert. "It's gonna be a very tough non-game. With all the name changes going on, we're going to need to play well to have a chance to stay on top."

After an intense day of congressional hearings aired live on ESPN News about the steroids trial, many sports fans are now switching over to C-SPAN full time. "Sports just can't cut it anymore," said Gary Yup, a frequent ESPN viewer from Atlanta. "The show that was on yesterday was simply awesome. When they all read their prepared speeches for two hours, in hopes of getting face time with the voters, I was on the edge of my seat. I knew it was about to get thrown down. When Senator Bob Perkins cited the Bardoza Postulate as a prime model for all athletics testing, I jumped out of my chair and yelled "Dat's what I'm talkin' bout! It was a great game of House Oversight Committee. I can't wait to see who they play next, I hope it's Senate Ways & Means. That team needs to go down hard."

Since so many people are now watching C-SPAN, they have had to expand their offering from merely C-SPAN 1 & 2. They now offer C-SPAN Deportes, focusing on Mexican city council meetings, C-SPAN U, with college political clubs, and C-SPAN Classic, where you can relive all your favorite congressional meetings from the past. C-SPAN: The Magazine is also seeing an increase in readership that has prompted them to release a special swimsuit edition featuring supermodel Giselle posing in a thong on an oval office desk and spreads all the hottest female Senators.

Even their formerly failing expansion The C-SPAN Zone, a full-service restaurant and bar in Times Square, is now seeing increased visitors. They feature dishes such as Senator Frank Charleston's Rockin' Roast Beef and Baby Back Ribs Of Habeus Corpus. Super Bowl ratings are likely to suffer mightily this year if C-SPAN airs something good like a vote on campaign finance reform at the same time.

The Philadelphia Phillies became the first team to make a big move at the general managers' meetings, acquiring closer Brad Lidge from Houston along with infielder Eric Bruntlett on Wednesday night. The Astros received speedy outfielder Michael Bourn, right-hander Geoff Geary and minor league third baseman Mike Costanzo.

The Phillies assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr. welcomed Lidge with open arms. "We are very happy to welcome in someone to round out our bullpen who is as unreliable and disappointing as the rest of our team. Only 70% of save chances converted last year, a 5.28 ERA the year before. We think he's going to be a perfect fit."

Philadelphia is trying to recover in an offseason after making the playoffs for the first time in over a decade. "We let our fans down this past season. The Phillies are supposed to lose, that's just what we do. This year people at work in Philadelphia couldn't talk about how bad their team was with each other. Fathers couldn't tell their sons, hey, you may not have had a good game of T-ball today, but at least you're not as bad as those Phillies. We feel Brad Lidge will be our best chance to return to the Philly tradition of futility."

SportsComedian.com