When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

Brett Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to, this arm still is ready to throw."

Favre is so eager to help out should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game, just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that #### Maybe you locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."

The hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in need of one than us."

Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1. Thank you."

One of the familiar sights of the Giants this season has been head coach Tom Coughlin and his bizarre skeleton face. Now that face is on its way to Canton.

“It was disgusting,” said a clearly shaken Michael Strahan. “One minute he was talking about how proud he was of us, and the next minute his face was on the floor. It was like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark where that dude loses his face.”

But this time that dude was not a #### sympathizing artifact collector, it was Tom Coughlin. Apparently Coughlin’s face, frozen in the frigid weather, began to crack along his jaw line during his post-game speech to his team. After placekicker Lawrence Tynes let out a girlish scream, the rest of the team began to notice and they watched in horror as the face melted to the floor.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said QB Eli Manning. “His face was on the floor, but his eyes were still looking around and his teeth were still moving. None of us knew what to do, but then one of our trainers jumped in and put the face in one of those big Gatorade tubs full of ice.”

According to Giants VP Jerry Reese, the face traveled back with the team to New York, where team doctors worked to try to revive Coughlin’s lifeless face. Their efforts proved unsuccessful, however, and in the end, Coughlin and the team decided to donate his frozen face to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

“We’re not sure what to do with it,” said Garrett Brown, one of the curators of the Hall. “It’s really a disturbing image and I’m not sure anyone needs to see it. We thought about putting some researchers in charge of studying the face, because I'm not sure it's entirely human. But right now, we’re storing it in the break room freezer.”

Coughlin said he is making plans to replace his face before the Super Bowl and has narrowed his choices down to a paper cut-out of John McCain or a Halloween mask of the Crypt Keeper from HBO’s “Tales from the Crypt.” Each would be a marked improvement from the face he wore before.

It's a classic story for the Manning brothers. One of them is dating the hottest girl in the NFL, the Super Bowl, and then the little brother comes along and steals her away. Peyton came over to the Super Bowl's house late Sunday night with flowers, still licking the wounds from his defeat in the divisional round of the playoffs last week. But when he opened the door he found Eli making out with her on the couch. She was wearing an NFC conference championship hat.

"How could you two do this?!" yelled Peyton. "After all we've been through together. It took me years to work up the nerve to ask you out! We came so close all those times, and then we finally went out last year and it went so well! Now you go and do this, you super ####?!"

"It's not you Peyton, it's me. I just need a winner. Eli just beat the Packers in Green Bay. That is really hot. I told him to come over and talk about the win, and then one thing led to another," said the Super Bowl.

"Bro, look, I've liked the Super Bowl for a long time," said Eli. "Ever since you brought her home to meet mom and dad last year, I've wanted to ask her out. She's just so perfect and so fun. Even her commercials aren't boring, she's like the perfect girl."

"You broke my heart Super Bowl, but I'll win you back!" yelled Peyton as he ran out of the house.

Peyton has been seen since trying various tactics to win the Super Bowl back from Eli. He's gone out with the Orange Bowl to make her jealous, in which he paid 100 million to have the stadium picked up via crane and moved to the movie theater for a date. He's hired a plane to fly a "I Love You Super Bowl" banner above her home in Arizona for the past 24 hours. Today was the most daring act, as he stood outside the University Of Phoenix Stadium in the rain holding a boombox over his head playing the radio broadcast of last season's Super Bowl. "Remember the good times baby! They can be ours again!" he was heard screaming.

It would not be argued that any quarterback is better than Tom Brady at this point in time. But, if there is one QB people think has a shot at outgunning Brady in the Super Bowl, it is none other than Brett Favre. Not due to his superior athleticism or skills at this point in his career, but because of his intangibles. But it's these same intangibles that landed Brett in county jail last night, as he flashed them to party goers last night at a cocktail event at a downtown club.

The event left several at the party shocked, and a little scared of what they had just witnessed. "I always heard about Brett's intangibles before, but I never thought they would be quite that big!" said attendee Emily Masterson. "He just pulled them out right there on the dance floor, as if they were nothing. My husband's aren't that big, that's for sure. I didn't know that was possible. How do those intangibles even fit?"

It's unknown how exactly the flashing happened, but it's believed someone shouted to Favre that Peyton Manning was going to break all his records in a few years. Favre responded by saying that "he may have the numbers, but he'll never have intangibles the size of grapefruits."

Favre intangibles have single-handedly won games for the Green Bay Packers over the years. Fans may vividly recall a game a few years back where the Packers were down 10 to the Bears with less than two minutes remaining when Favre's intangibles took over. The Bears had no answer for Favre's special parts that defy description.

Favre was released from the county lockup this morning on Brett Favre bail. Which is a special kind of bail in Wisconsin wherein you can post your bail, or just be Brett Favre. This is the first time it is known to have been used.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

When Brett Favre went down in the second quarter with a seperated shoulder and injured elbow, the Packers had to do something they hadn't done in 17 years, find a replacement. Having Brett Favre as their QB has afforded the Packers some luxuries some other teams haven't had to deal with, namely having no backup and not even any trainers. "We didn't know what to do when he hit the turf," said head coach Mike McCarthy. "We haven't had a doctor on staff since I got here. Usually when someone gets injured Brett just goes over and tells them to play through it, and they do."

The confused Packers sent out their punter, who once took a botany class in junior college, to examine Favre as he lay on the field. He proceeded to poke him in different areas while asking "Does this hurt?" until he found out it was the shoulder and elbow that was bothering him. Luckily Favre was able to leave by walking off the field, as the Packers also have no cart to take players away. Brett usually is able to smack them in the face and tell them to "be a man" until they get up on their own.

After that Green Bay faced a tougher problem, how to get a replacement QB, seeing as they don't bother to keep any on the roster due to Favre being unhurtable. They appeared to find along-haired hippy on the street and put him in a fan's custom-made jersey with the last name Rodgers. But, the hippy-pirate played well in relief throwing for 200 yards, 1 TD, and no interceptions.

"I think we're going to actually sign this kid to a contract," said McCarthy. "We may have just found our quarterback of the future. Or maybe just someone who can get us pot and play hackey-sack in the parking lot after practices. Either way, it's a good find."

SportsComedian.com

"Time for a celebratory blowj...Wait just a minute! You're not one of my supermodel girlfriends! Help!" -Tony Romo

"I don't see you smiling now pretty boy." -Andre Gurode

(AP Photo)

SportsComedian.com

We needed an excuse to run this picture of Terrell Owens having sex with the ground, and now we have it. Tonight will be the epic matchup of the only two teams in the NFC who have played well enough to be called good, and the game will be shown only to a very few number of people due to it being on the NFL Network. We have investigated the issue, and the only people who actually get the NFL network are subscribers of Makarikicast Cable in ####ladesh. The reason for this are the high prices the NFL wants to charge American cable carriers to put the channel in its basic lineup, along with a few other demands, which the league feels are justified.

"We have asked for a few simple things from cable companies here in the US, and they refuse to budge," said an NFL spokesman. "We want 76 cents per subscriber, which we feel is reasonable. Plus we asked that they let us have the first night with any of their wives immediately after marriage. Also, we want yearly donations of corn and other crops from their harvests. But for some reason they don't want to budge."

If you really want to see the game tonight you will have to book a ticket to a ####ladeshian sports bar and hope there is no cricket being played. The league spokesman elaborated, "Our fans in ####ladesh are some of the most loyal and devoted ones out there. What better game to show them than America's Team vs America's Favorite QB? It's really a tribute to the ####ladeshian spirit. Who would want to watch this game here in the States anyway? Maybe now all of you who are complaining about this game can take up a hobby such as whittling, or maybe go out and look in to trading your truck in for one of those adorable Volkswagon Bugs."

SportsComedian.com

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Uh oh, the San Diego defense on my fantasy team is going up against that fearsome Colts offense. They never turn the ball over.
• Brooks Bollinger will pass for more than 8 yards in the first half against Green Bay.
• The key to the New Orleans resurgence has been that defense, they are just good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• After years of seeing Wendy as only an idealized red-headed girl on the Wendy's logo, the truth has finally been revealed. She is actually a riot-inciting crossdresser who lives in a dream world where people chop down trees with their feet and jump into holes.
• Philadelphia just always seems to run out of steam in the 4th quarter, look for them to be burried on Veteran's Day by the team from our nation's capital.
• The thing that impresses me most about the Raiders is that they can plug any QB into that system and they can succeed. Look for a lot of points Sunday.
• I've seen a person with dreadlocks maybe 2 times in all my real life. I see at least 5 people with dreadlocks on the football field at all times. Someone should investigate this.
• I just got my ticket for the Detroit Lions bandwagon! Wahoo! Nothing is gonna slow this thing down now! Wait a minute, is that a cardinal in the middle of the road to the Super Bowl? Surely that won't derail this Detroit Express.
• For fans of the greatest comedy show on TV right now, the 2007 Miami Dolphins, they will not be disappointed and have to watch an actual close football game.
• I think we can all agree the best thing about NFL broadcasts is the TD-Commercial Break-Kickoff Return-Immediate Second Commercial Break sequence. Nothing gets you into the game after a score like a 10 second interlude of football between commercials.
• Some fool in my fantasy league traded me Adrian Peterson for that washed up old Donovan McNabb?! The title is mine!
• There is no way the Cowboys can beat the Giants when they are wearing their ridiculous all-red jerseys.
• If there is one thing we can all be thankful for during this WGA writer's strike, it's that it finally stopped The Big #### Theory, and their horrible promos from existing. Let's hope this thing goes on for awhile. I think sacrificing every show and movie forever might be worth it to stop this horrible sitcom.

Although old enough to start appearing in Viagra commercials, Brett Favre has yet to do so. Throwing an 82 yard TD pass in overtime on Monday Night Football probably keeps the parts working.

(AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

SportsComedian.com