Flashbulbs went off around Shea Stadium as David Wright took one final horribly awkward swing at a pitch in the dirt, thrown by a 19-year-old September callup from the Marlins. With the strikeout, the Mets had culminated another epic collapse, providing the perfect sendoff to Shea Stadium during its final season. The fans in attendance cheered wildly, as there could not have been more fitting an end to Shea than a choke nearly as disasterous as the previous season's. The team attempted to head into the locker room, but the crowd would not stop booing until David Wright came out for a curtain call, to which they booed him even louder.

Some fans were emotional after the game, with grown men weeping about the memories they shared at Shea Stadium. "I remember the first time I came here with my father," said Dave Delucci, a lifelong Mets fan. "We watched the Mets choke a good 7 run lead away to the Braves back in '71. It was a special father-son moment I won't ever forget. Later on when he was battling cancer and his liver failed, it was like the Mets were inside that liver, failing just like they do in real life. This really was the perfect final chapter to this stadium, and to being a Mets fan."

Manager Jerry Manuel was given a 4-year contract extension, and promised even better failures in the future. "We can do better," he declared. "If you thought 7 and 1/2 games in two weeks was good last year, you ain't seen nothing yet." Diehard fans even took off chunks of the stadium to bring home...so they could burn them and never have to think about the place again.

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After being on the market for weeks, Atlanta Braves 1st Baseman Mark Teixeira has finally found a new home. Gema Onbekend, a 60 year old man from Indonesia, saw Teixeira at a local produce market and decided to pick him up. "I've always wanted to get into American baseball," said Onbekend. "I saw he had been up on the market for weeks, so I figured why not just pick him up. If his team doesn't want him, I'm sure I can find some work for him around my house. I'm only 8 more players shy of an expansion franchise now!"

Teixeira has hit 19 home runs this year for the Braves, but his contract is up at the end of the season and they have little chance to re-sign him. "Well, I don't want to brag about my negotiating prowess," said GM Frank Wren. "But, I managed to get Gema up from his initial offer of 3 mules and a kasava melon. He threw in some Indonesian clothing, and even 2 of his own children. I don't know what exactly I'm going to do with them yet, but I've always wanted to try out those slave things I've heard so much about!"

Teixeira was said to be slightly upset with the transaction. He was unavailable for comment, but in a hand-written letter to his mother he expressed relaxation in his new surrounding. He says he only has to work 16 hours per day in the fields. Gema is going to put some fresh hay for him on the stone floor he is sleeping on at the end of the month, and may even sand down the jagged rock he uses for a pillow if he behaves.

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Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 600th home run last night in a game against the Florida Marlins last night in a game the Cincinnati Reds won 9-3. But it wasn't all smiles in the Cincinnati box as ownership realized that fans coming out to every game in hopes of seeing him hit the historic home run would now be gone. They will now be forced to rely on their actual fans for attendance. "Thanks to this #### Griffey we are now entering one of the darkest eras for this franchise," said team president Robert Castellini. "There was one reason, and one reason only people were coming out to see our awful team, and that was the hope of seeing him hit this ball. Now, because he's such a selfish arrogant jerk he has ended our hopes of having anyone come out to see us."

There was hope Griffey could keep the home run suspense up all season, as he had only hit 2 homers in the past 45 days. But that hope was dashed Monday when he sent a 3-1 pitch over the wall off of Mark Hendrickson. His teammates were also feeling slighted by the act. "How dare he," said rookie Jay Bruce. "Who does he think he is destroying our season like that? We had one thing to look forward to this year, and that was it. Now we just go back to playing baseball in front of an empty stadium? People in Cincinnati barely remember the team is here, most think it was contracted back in the 90's. My mom would be ashamed if she knew I played for this team, so I just tell her I have a job she can be proud of, like crack dealer." Indeed, most people do not even know the Cincinnati Reds are still a team. Many believe The Great American Ballpark is a giant baseball theme restaurant.

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The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood. "They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen."

The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks. They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a longtime Detroit resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we all can't get along."

A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured, this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That was where a pack of wild indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown, resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although the city did smell horrible for several weeks.

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"I'm so proud of the special group of youngsters we've developed here in the Florida Marlins Organization," said team owner Jeffrey Loria, following his team's surprising 1st place finish through two weeks of the baseball season. The team from Miami, known more for selling off prospects than winning World Series in 1997 and 2003, might be looking to sell again sooner than they thought.

"We were able to make some real money by selling all our stars following the World Series years, and even made some cool dollars last year by trading away our best pitcher and hitter to Detroit. I thought it would be at least 3 more seasons before we would be able to do it again, but I guess these guys are ready to be sold after all. I see us more as a foster home than a baseball team, we just raise them and then send them off into the real baseball world. So, who's ready to buy some players? Remember, this is the team that beat out Johan Santana's Mets and Ryan Howard's Phillies for first place!"

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Pedro Martinez, one of the key pieces of the New York Mets rotation turned in 3 and 1/3 innings this season before hurting his hamstring and leaving the game. While he has not been the most durable of pitchers during his stay in New York, no one expected his season to be so short. He went down after throwing a pitch that tweaked the hammy, and left the field amidst a standing ovation. Everyone was extremely grateful for the great effort Martinez had given this team over the course of the grueling 3 innings.

"It's been one of the truly great baseball seasons," said ESPN analyst Peter Gammons. "In a century people will look back on this year and say, wow, how did Pedro do it? It's just so impressive. I know we're only 2 days into the season, but I don't think it's too early to start talking about the Cy Young. Not only should Pedro be in contention for it, but I think we should rename it to the Pedro Martinez Award."

Martinez was not pitching a good game at the time of his exit by normal standards, and will have a 10.80 ERA on the season. "Pedro isn't one those power pitchers who has a single digit ERA," said longtime Mets fan Aaron Gale. "He's going to be in the high teens, early twenties region, and that's just how he does it. People will ask me later in life what it was like to watch 'The Season', as it will certainly be called from now on. I'll tell them it was magical, something I wouldn't trade for anything. To see a player battle over the course of a long 3 innings, it's just a feat you don't get to see many times in your life."

Martinez was a little somber about the season. "Well, we had a good run there. There were so many ups and downs during my excrutiating season, I'm just glad it's over. I remember this one time I got a strikeout, and this other time I threw a ball. So many great memories from this year. But now I can relax and get ready for next season, the year I'm finally going to be healthy."

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The Miami Times broke a story today about their main sports website editor being found in Mexico with no recollection of how he got there. Bob Thomas, the man in charge of the Miami Times sports section of their website has apparently been missing since mid-September, only nobody noticed. Neither the other Times employees nor the readers noticed that the site had not been updated in months. "We are all quite embarrassed by this incident," said Gerald Hayes, owner of the Times. "But in our defense, how were we to know the site wasn't being updated? The sports landscape here in Miami has been largely unchanged over the past few months, even years. We were actually looking into automating our sports department. We'd just find stories about teams losing and franchises falling apart and replace the names with Miami teams. Marlins, Heat, Dolphins, whatever that hockey team is that plays here. We all suck."

The page in question at the Times website has remained the same for the last several months. It's headline read "Miami Loses Big", with a picture of Trent Green being sacked. But many readers interviewed didn't realized that Trent Green wasn't their quarterback anymore. "Cleo Lemon? That's a real person? That sounds like a character from PeeWee's Playhouse or something. I refuse to believe he's our QB. But I also don't believe the Miami Dolphins are a real team, I think they're just a trick my friend Tom is playing on me," said a Miami resident and Times reader. "I also don't believe in the ocean. I think it's just blue space grass put here long ago by aliens. That's why there are all those weird creatures in it."

Many Miamians are too depressed about their team to even read actual articles about their latest losses. Hence the details about Miami's heartbreaking loss to Washington in overtime during week 1 never clued anyone into the page's outdatedness. The page also featured timeless stories such as "Marlins Dismantling Continues", "Shaq Out Of Shape, Heat In Trouble", and "Miami Hurricanes Underachieve".

Bob Thomas, the man in question, was found in Mexico and had no idea how he got there or what he had been doing. It could be extreme distress over the state of Miami sports, something that was his lively hood. Many Dolphins and Heat season ticket holders have gone missing over the past few weeks, many believe the lack of winning has driven them to the brink of insanity. But he was back at work Monday and updated the site for the first time in months, much to the relief of readers and co-workers. The site now features up-to-date stories such as "Miami Loses Huge","Heat Worst In League", "Trade Of Cabrera Only Beginning Of Marlins Dismantling".

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"My name is David Wright. I am the last good player alive in the National League. If there is anyone else out there, I will be playing a game called baseball every day at noon, when the sun is highest in the sky."

So begins the trailer for the new movie I Am Legend, premiering this April. It tells the based on a true story of the last good player in the National League and his quest to solve the mysteries of why there is so little talent in his league compared to the AL. The story was inspired by the recent trade of Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins to the Tigers.

The trade will likely mean continued dominance of the America League, who has won 7 of the past 10 World Series, 5 via sweeps, and the last 10 all-star games. The last team to learn the hard lesson of the AL dominance was the Colorado Rockies who swept through all the NL competitors they faced for an entire month, but then couldn't win a single game against the Boston Red Sox.

"It's a real fun story," said star David Wright. "It's an apocalyptic vision of baseball, where I alone stand up to an entire league. There's a good twist in the end where you learn that there actually are other players in the NL, but because they receive no reporting or TV coverage, the world never finds out. It's a very real movie, because just like true life the only teams shown to the public are the Red Sox and Yankees."

He continued, "There's a real fun scene in the middle where I have to take on the entire AL All-Star Team by myself due to no one else being picked from my league. I have to pitch, and then field. I end up losing 74-2. I originally said we may want to bump that number up a little, as that's usually the score in real life when we have a complete NL team, but they said it they didn't want to make it too depressing."


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Sabathia won the AL Cy Young Award on Tuesday, topping Boston's Josh Beckett and two other worthy contenders by a comfortable margin to become the first Cleveland Indians pitcher in 35 years to earn the honor.

Sabathia received 19 of 28 first-place votes and finished with 119 points in balloting by the Baseball Writers' Association of America. Beckett, who outpitched Sabathia twice in the playoffs, was second with eight first-place votes and 86 points.

Also winning awards on Tuesday:

• Jason Giambi, receiving the Money Down The Toilet for his $24 million salary and his .236 average and 83 games played.
• Jarrod Saltalamacchia was given an award by the MLB tailor's association for having the toughest name to fit on a jersey, and then changing teams midseason forcing them to do it again.
• The Colorado Rockies were given the Special Thanks award by Fox Broadcasting for their great showing in the World Series, making sure there was a close series to keep the viewers tuning in.
• The Tampa Bay Rays for removing the one good thing about their team, the name Devil Rays.
• The Florida Marlins for the Best Fire outside of California, for their massive firesale that is about to being again as they trade away their good players who want to be paid a real salary.

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