The
economic woes have hit all businesses hard, but perhaps none as hard as
the magazine industry. Already struggling due to drops in readership,
they have had to makes changes to their very concepts. American
staples, such as Time magazine, have had to cut back on how often they
publish. Once known for it's weekly takes on American politics and pop
culture, Time is now called "SomeTime: When We Can Afford It".
But
today another famous magazine is making a title change, and that's
Sports Illustrated. Famous for stunning sports photography, Sports
Illustrated is being retooled as a picture-less version of itself to
save on printing costs. Now called Sports Described In Text, the
magazine will tell you about some of the best sports photographs from
the week's action. The cover to the right is from their debut issue,
and as you can see it is not as eye-catching as it was before. Reader
response to the retooled magazine has not been good, with many saying
that they "miss the pretty pictures". Advertisers too are not liking
the new format, saying they are having a hard time getting their
message across to readers. A full page ad for Bud Light read "(Picture
of young white, black, Asian, and Indian friends enjoying Bud Light on
a beach while tossing a football. They are having so much fun. If you
could see them, you would say, wow, I wish I could have that much fun.
And you can, with Bud Light.)"
Sports Illustrated tried to save
their prized issue, the swimsuit edition, from having to undergo the
format change, but it appears even that will have to be converted. Next
year's much hyped issue was set to feature Gizelle Bunchen, whose
photoshoot was taken in Bali. We here at TSC received a sample of the
new described pictures, with the best one being "(Really hot picture of
Gizelle in a bikini bottom and no top, covering herself with her bare
hands. The water is rushing over her. This is quite possibly the
hottest picture in the history of the world. If you could see it right
now you would be extremely aroused.)"
New
England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their
devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated
season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the
defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year.
"Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots.
"There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the ####
Heart, which is the magical giant heart fueled by Boston residents
constant gloating about their sports teams, broke down. It supplies all
our electricity, you see, and it just went out. Only by believing our
team was possible of humiliating weaker opponents next year, and
clapping our hands really fast, could we bring it back to life."
Mike
Wise, a man who has 11 Patriots tattoos on his body, including a
regrettable portrait of Drew Bledsoe, says he took the news harder than
most. "Well, you know, I was very upset in the beginning. I went home
and killed my family, who I long thought didn't love the Patriots
enough. Then I burnt down my entire house, because it was obviously
unlucky. But then I realized there's always next year, and our coach
will always keep us in the games with his innovative cheating. Plus,
now I can get a much younger girlfriend who is impressed by my $60,000
a year construction job and the fact I have my own truck. So, it's a
win-win all around."
Other residents shared Mike's sentiment.
"I'm just ready to move on, it happened so long ago now," said Bud
Wilson, a teacher at Benson High School in southern Boston. "I mean,
the Patriots lost. They had a lot to fight for, but in the end England
was stronger. Now I have to wear powdered wigs, drink Tab soda, and
take a galleon to work. But I'm fine with it. I think I finally am
getting my sealegs, and I'm getting used to putting half my yearly
salary in cash into an envelope and mailing it to England. They won, I
get it, and I'm ok with it finally."
Mike was then informed that the Patriots actually won the Revolutionary War, and was happy but confused.
The
cast of M*A*S*H were glued to their TV's Monday, anxiously awaiting the
news on the ratings for the Super Bowl. When it came out that the game
scored 97.5 million viewers, making it the second most-watched program
in history behind their 1983 series finale. The game was the
most-watched Super Bowl of all time, beating the 1996 championship
between Dallas and Pittsburgh.
Every year the cast gathers during
big events that have a chance at beating their viewer record. Super
Bowls, American Idol finales, any episode of Cavemen. Anything with a
huge viewership that could topple thier record that has lasted for
almost 30 years. When the ratings announcement came down, and this
Super Bowl would not have the perfect record, they popped open the
champagne they save every year for this time.
"It's so hard to go
undefeated in this day and age," said Hawkeye. "Everyone is always
nipping at your heels with a new reality show or TV finale, but we've
managed to stand the test of time. After this win it really shows what
out accomplishment meant."
"It feels so good to pop open that
champagne," said Hot Lips Houlihan. "We can't actually drink it,
because most of us are suffering from kidney failure. So we pour it
into the sink and all have an Ensure. Also, Sherman Potter is about 70%
dead, but he likes the loud pop and the bubbles. So we do it mostly for
him."
"Every year I put on the dress one more time, thinking it
could be my last," added Klinger. "But every year the ratings come out
and we are still number one. I thought there should be an asterisk next
to this Super Bowl, if it did somehow beat us anyway. The whole spygate
fiasco really increased viewership in this game by making everyone hate
the Pats more. That's cheating, to make a scandal like that in hopes it
gets more viewers."
The M*A*S*H cast is safe for one more season. But in the free agent era, it's unlikely anyone will challenge the record again.
New England Patriots, your team has just lost Super Bowl XLII! Now
it's time to celebrate with the official Super Bowl Loser merchandise,
available only from NFL Shop! Own a piece of history with some of these
great items:
Why
not pick up the Patriots: Super Bowl Losers Sombrero? It's the same
sombrero that Univision edited onto the head of Tom Brady during their
Spanish-language broadcast. Celebrate failure with not just a hat that
reminds you of the game's result, but also the most ridiculous piece of
headwear outside of those poofy hats your mom used to make you wear in
the winter. It's double the embarassment for supporting the team that
lost the big one!
How
about the "18-1 Is Pretty Good" hoodie. Only from NFL Shop, now you can
dress like your coach and sport the phrase that he will be telling
himself all off-season. On the back it says "Don't worry, we'll be
back, our division still has the Jets, Dolphins, and Bills in it!"
Or
maybe pick up the ultimate item for the ultimate fan, a 9 millimeter
Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol. You just lost $10 grand on the game,
everyone at the office is going to be ragging on you all year, and your
team will no longer be remembered as the best of all-time. Why not just
end it all? With the Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol, you won't need a
suicide note, the pistol will be all the evidence the police need. Also
good for normal murders! Just place the pistol in the hands of the
victim after, and the cops won't ask questions, they'll know the reason
for the crime! Order today!
Scientists
from Destiny Labs announced today they have possibly created a formula
for beating the New England Patriots. "All year teams and researchers
around the country have been searching for a formula that will beat the
Pats," said head scientist Mark Thompson. "Several have come close.
Baltimore, New York, and even Jacksonville all had syrums that looked
like they might finally cure this Patriots disease, but in the end they
all remissed into winning."
The winning disease has afflicted New
England all season, and has left them searching for answers. "I'm so
tired," said Tom Brady. "All this winning, it's really taking it's toll
on my body. I don't know if I can keep it up. My doctor said the next
win may be the one that kills me. To play at such a high level, the
body wasn't designed to throw 50 touchdown passes in a season. I just
wanna lose again, please. I've forgotten how it feels to live."
The
symptoms of the Patriots disease are extreme offensive aptitude,
game-breaking speed, and the ability to come back from the brink of
defeat to pull of an incredible win. Even their own fans are starting
to feel the effects of the disease. "As a Patriots fan, it's just
getting really boring watching the same old outcome every week. Being
from Boston, I really hate to rub it in the faces of others when my
teams do well. So this really makes me feel like a jerk having to win
by 30 points every week, breaking multiple offensive records, and
having the MVP. I just wanna lose every once in awhile. Please..."
But
it's harder to lose than it looks for those suffering from Patriots
disease. In the season finale they tried their hardest to get behind
early to New York, but Tom Brady suffered a relapse in the 4th quarter
and led his team to victory. But now researchers believe they have a
cure devised for the ailment, one they will inject into Giants players
before Sunday's Super Bowl. If they can somehow, some way deliver the
vaccine to New England, they can come away with the biggest upset of
all time.
A
local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what
doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst
cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was
wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with
painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"
"5...days until kickoff," replied the man in a whisper.
"Oh
my god, he's pretty far gone. We're going to need to prep him for
surgery," said the doctor as they disappeared into one of the patient
rooms.
While the surgery was taking place, we spoke to his wife,
who had driven him to the hospital. "I don't know what happened to
him," she said. "We were eating dinner, and he kept flipping from ESPN,
to ESPN News, to FOX Sports, as he usually does. Then he just started
screaming, and grabbing his head. I didn't know what the problem was,
so I brought him here right away."
The doctor came out of the
room after a couple of hours. "It's not pretty, but I think we have him
stabilized. At times like these it's quite common for someone to
experience a Super Bowl hype overexposure. In a normal NFL week, people
have only 6 days to take in all the hype surrounding a game, and they
have many games to choose from. But at this time of year, the condition
worsens due to the 2-week layoff, the single game, and the need for
networks to try and find interesting stories about it for all that
time. The human body wasn't designed to handle this much of the same
regurgitate hype. The Brady boot, the Manning brothers, Spygate,
Belichick and Coughlin's douchiness, the undefeated season, we had
heard it all by last Monday, but they're still the top headline on
every show and website. We had to inject him with a 10 CC's of college
basketball, and then actually cut him open and insert some MLB
offseason trade news. I think he's gonna pull through."
During
the recovery we were allowed to speak briefly with the man. "I'm
feeling much better now. It was something around the 200th talking head
that came on ESPN to talk about whether they thought Brady's injury was
real or not, when something went off in my brain. It was like an
explosion of boredom. I just couldn't wait to get to the game, so it
could all just be over with. The doctor says I'm going to be on daily
doses of NBA, and then if there's improvement I might be able to watch
the last 15 minutes of a super pre-game show. Any more than that and
it's likely I'll have to hear all these same stories again. I just
wanna say that I love my family, and with their help I'm going to pull
through this."
Archie
Manning announced this week that he and his superstar son Peyton will
appear in numerous cut-away camera shots during the upcoming Super
Bowl. Archie stated that the elder Mannings are appearing as part of a
Fox Sports sub-plot which will continuously make reference to the fact
that the youngest Manning, who led his team to a Super Bowl berth this
season, is ironically the son and brother of two much better and much
more famous quarterbacks.
“I was a little disappointed last
year because most of the focus seemed to be on Peyton and his on the
field play.” Manning said. “Everyone expected him to be there and to
play well, so they only cut away to shots of me and the rest of the
family like two or three times max. But this time around we’ve had some
discussions with the folks over at Fox and they’ve agreed to pan up to
our skybox much more during this year. I think it will make the Super
Bowl much more interesting for the average fan if they are able to see
our reaction to every play that Eli makes on the field. And let's face
it, Peyton and I are just much more interesting than Eli anyway, even
Eli knows that.”
Respected around the league for their
tireless preparation, the Mannings have been working on an updated
version of their family hug that they plan to unveil on the off chance
that Eli should happen to throw a touchdown pass on football’s biggest
stage.
And more importantly, they have been focused on improving
their looks of disappointment, dissatisfaction and all out despair so
that they can utilize several different versions following each
successive Eli interception, fumble or other boneheaded play. “Peyton
and I are taking a realistic approach to our preparation,” Manning
said, “we know there will be way more chances for us to look
disappointed than excited, so that’s primarily where our focus has
been. We want to be ready to give America a different reaction each
time Eli screws up.”
TSC made several attempts to reach Peyton
Manning for comment, but we were repeatedly informed that he was too
busy filming his Super Bowl commercials to offer any response.
One
of the familiar sights of the Giants this season has been head coach
Tom Coughlin and his bizarre skeleton face. Now that face is on its way
to Canton.
“It was disgusting,” said a clearly shaken Michael
Strahan. “One minute he was talking about how proud he was of us, and
the next minute his face was on the floor. It was like that scene from
Raiders of the Lost Ark where that dude loses his face.”
But
this time that dude was not a #### sympathizing artifact collector, it
was Tom Coughlin. Apparently Coughlin’s face, frozen in the frigid
weather, began to crack along his jaw line during his post-game speech
to his team. After placekicker Lawrence Tynes let out a girlish scream,
the rest of the team began to notice and they watched in horror as the
face melted to the floor.
“I’ve never seen anything like
it,” said QB Eli Manning. “His face was on the floor, but his eyes were
still looking around and his teeth were still moving. None of us knew
what to do, but then one of our trainers jumped in and put the face in
one of those big Gatorade tubs full of ice.”
According to
Giants VP Jerry Reese, the face traveled back with the team to New
York, where team doctors worked to try to revive Coughlin’s lifeless
face. Their efforts proved unsuccessful, however, and in the end,
Coughlin and the team decided to donate his frozen face to the Pro
Football Hall of Fame.
“We’re not sure what to do with it,”
said Garrett Brown, one of the curators of the Hall. “It’s really a
disturbing image and I’m not sure anyone needs to see it. We thought
about putting some researchers in charge of studying the face, because
I'm not sure it's entirely human. But right now, we’re storing it in
the break room freezer.”
Coughlin said he is making plans to
replace his face before the Super Bowl and has narrowed his choices
down to a paper cut-out of John McCain or a Halloween mask of the Crypt
Keeper from HBO’s “Tales from the Crypt.” Each would be a marked
improvement from the face he wore before.
It's
a classic story for the Manning brothers. One of them is dating the
hottest girl in the NFL, the Super Bowl, and then the little brother
comes along and steals her away. Peyton came over to the Super Bowl's
house late Sunday night with flowers, still licking the wounds from his
defeat in the divisional round of the playoffs last week. But when he
opened the door he found Eli making out with her on the couch. She was
wearing an NFC conference championship hat.
"How could you two do
this?!" yelled Peyton. "After all we've been through together. It took
me years to work up the nerve to ask you out! We came so close all
those times, and then we finally went out last year and it went so
well! Now you go and do this, you super ####?!"
"It's not you
Peyton, it's me. I just need a winner. Eli just beat the Packers in
Green Bay. That is really hot. I told him to come over and talk about
the win, and then one thing led to another," said the Super Bowl.
"Bro,
look, I've liked the Super Bowl for a long time," said Eli. "Ever since
you brought her home to meet mom and dad last year, I've wanted to ask
her out. She's just so perfect and so fun. Even her commercials aren't
boring, she's like the perfect girl."
"You broke my heart Super Bowl, but I'll win you back!" yelled Peyton as he ran out of the house.
Peyton
has been seen since trying various tactics to win the Super Bowl back
from Eli. He's gone out with the Orange Bowl to make her jealous, in
which he paid 100 million to have the stadium picked up via crane and
moved to the movie theater for a date. He's hired a plane to fly a "I
Love You Super Bowl" banner above her home in Arizona for the past 24
hours. Today was the most daring act, as he stood outside the
University Of Phoenix Stadium in the rain holding a boombox over his
head playing the radio broadcast of last season's Super Bowl. "Remember
the good times baby! They can be ours again!" he was heard screaming.
Terrell
Owens new emotional persona was unveiled Sunday following the Dallas
Cowboys 21-17 loss to the New York Giants. He cried at a post-game
press conference, telling reporters to leave Tony Romo alone about his
vacation he took the week before. "He's my quarterback," said a sobbing
Owens, "I love him. I love this team. I won't let you guys make fun of
one of my best friends. Just yesterday we were out at the Soda Shoppe,
sharing a sarsaparilla float and discussing the gameplan. We are both
dedicated to this team and this game. He came up with a series of
charts with plays we should call in certain situations to get ready. I
wrote a poem about how we were going to beat the Giants with our hearts
and our minds, and read it to the team before the game. I think both
helped a lot."
While many people lauded his new emotional
personality after the game, his teammates were left wondering what
happened to the self-centered jerk they had come to know as T.O. His
new soft personality has translated to soft on the field play as well.
After Tony Romo threw an interception in the second half, Owens had the
only play at tackling him before the ball was run back. But instead of
wrestling him to the ground, Owens merely touched him with his hand. "I
totally tagged him. He was out," said Terrell after the game. "He
should have gone down right there, or he had to at least freeze. It may
have been my fault for not checking with him before the game if we were
playing freeze or TV tag. Some people wanted me to tackle him
apparently, but that just doesn't seem very nice."
Another play
had Owens let a ball sail through his hands in the endzone after the
cornerback covering him fell to the ground. "It wouldn't have been fair
to him if I caught that ball after he tripped. He would have been so
embarrassed! By golly gee, I'm not a meany head like the rest of you!"
With a chance to take a lead late in the ballgame, Jason Witten
stumbled when he stepped in the flower garden Terrell had planted in
the endzone before the game. Witten could be seen mouthing "#### these
petunias" on national TV. Owens had to sit out the next several plays
in order to replant the flowers that had been disturbed.
It's
unknown what brought on this sudden personality change for the Cowboys'
star receiver, but most of the team want the old unruly Owens, and his
good on-field play, back.
When
one of your assistant head coaches has sunglasses and a mustache that
makes him look like an extra from Miami Vice, you know you are destined
for trouble.
Tony
Romo has announced to the team they will need to give backup QB Brad
Johnson some extra work in practice this week, as he will be unable to
make the 3rd quarter of Sunday's playoff game. After going to Mexico
with Jessica Simpson last weekend during the bye, Romo says he has
booked a Caribbean cruise that leaves during the 3rd quarter of this
week's game.
An angry Dallas press core cornered Tony and
demanded answers for his not caring about the success of the team.
"We've all got to have priorities in life," said Romo in the locker
room after practice. "Have you guys seen The Dukes Of Hazzard? Did you
see those shorts? Those are my priorities." The press then admitted
they did remember the shorts. They then told him good luck, and to hit
that once for all of Dallas.
Brad Johnson was very enthusiastic
about his chance to start half a playoff game. "I'm glad Tony is happy
with Jessica. It's a little known fact that I actually set them up
together. I had no idea something like this would happen...Alright, I
did know it. I've seen the pictures of her in a bikini like you all
have. You know what? I'm going to call my travel agent and see if there
are any other spots available on that cruise as well."
No
one can figure out what the hell this celebration is. Is it a high
five? Is it a pat on the back? Is it ballroom dancing? And just what is
Jared Lorenzen sneaking a peek at?
I forgot to post this before the games ran
Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to
reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
I
picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an
NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
Is
there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a
really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear
Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have
their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience
likes.
I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
That
commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right
about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite
possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!
Welcome to The Sports Comedian: The Worldwide Leader In Sports Satire! We wheel and deal in the very best fake comedy news. As a warning, all our stories are fake. The quotes, people, and places mentioned probably aren't real. The articles might be based on real events, but it's all just funny nonsense.
So join The Sports Comedian crew as we bring you the wild world of sports with a humorous touch. Also, check out our official site at
The
economic woes have hit all businesses hard, but perhaps none as hard as
the magazine industry. Already struggling due to drops in readership,
they have had to makes changes to their very concepts. American
staples, such as Time magazine, have had to cut back on how often they
publish. Once known for it's weekly takes on American politics and pop
culture, Time is now called "SomeTime: When We Can Afford It".
New
England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their
devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated
season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the
defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year.
"Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots.
"There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the 
The
cast of M*A*S*H were glued to their TV's Monday, anxiously awaiting the
news on the ratings for the Super Bowl. When it came out that the game
scored 97.5 million viewers, making it the second most-watched program
in history behind their 1983 series finale. The game was the
most-watched Super Bowl of all time, beating the 1996 championship
between Dallas and Pittsburgh.
Scientists
from Destiny Labs announced today they have possibly created a formula
for beating the New England Patriots. "All year teams and researchers
around the country have been searching for a formula that will beat the
Pats," said head scientist Mark Thompson. "Several have come close.
Baltimore, New York, and even Jacksonville all had syrums that looked
like they might finally cure this Patriots disease, but in the end they
all remissed into winning."
A
local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what
doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst
cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was
wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with
painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"
Archie
Manning announced this week that he and his superstar son Peyton will
appear in numerous cut-away camera shots during the upcoming Super
Bowl. Archie stated that the elder Mannings are appearing as part of a
Fox Sports sub-plot which will continuously make reference to the fact
that the youngest Manning, who led his team to a Super Bowl berth this
season, is ironically the son and brother of two much better and much
more famous quarterbacks.
One
of the familiar sights of the Giants this season has been head coach
Tom Coughlin and his bizarre skeleton face. Now that face is on its way
to Canton.
It's
a classic story for the Manning brothers. One of them is dating the
hottest girl in the NFL, the Super Bowl, and then the little brother
comes along and steals her away. Peyton came over to the Super Bowl's
house late Sunday night with flowers, still licking the wounds from his
defeat in the divisional round of the playoffs last week. But when he
opened the door he found Eli making out with her on the couch. She was
wearing an NFC conference championship hat.
Terrell
Owens new emotional persona was unveiled Sunday following the Dallas
Cowboys 21-17 loss to the New York Giants. He cried at a post-game
press conference, telling reporters to leave Tony Romo alone about his
vacation he took the week before. "He's my quarterback," said a sobbing
Owens, "I love him. I love this team. I won't let you guys make fun of
one of my best friends. Just yesterday we were out at the Soda Shoppe,
sharing a sarsaparilla float and discussing the gameplan. We are both
dedicated to this team and this game. He came up with a series of
charts with plays we should call in certain situations to get ready. I
wrote a poem about how we were going to beat the Giants with our hearts
and our minds, and read it to the team before the game. I think both
helped a lot."
Tony
Romo has announced to the team they will need to give backup QB Brad
Johnson some extra work in practice this week, as he will be unable to
make the 3rd quarter of Sunday's playoff game. After going to Mexico
with Jessica Simpson last weekend during the bye, Romo says he has
booked a Caribbean cruise that leaves during the 3rd quarter of this
week's game. 
