After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

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LeBron James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half the shot clock after getting a basket.

Team USA is a little late in trying to change their gameplay this close to the olympics, but it seems like this revolutionary tactic may help them out. While no NBA coach with the team seems to know anything about the very foreign strategy, they are flying in a high school coach from Greece. His team swept through the junior world championships against seemingly better American teams by utilyzing such crazy tactics as putting up their hands and geting in front of people who are trying to score, to which the American kids had no counter. He should arrive some time tonight to get started teaching some of these techniques to Team USA.

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There is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into custody anyway.

Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"

The Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo. Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us fall down the stairs."

TSC stood by as they scratched off one of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in this great win for the franchise."

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Pat Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."

"Maybe trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."

"That is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."

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A day after setting the record for fewest field goals in a game, the Miami Heat have hired a private investigator to check on where exactly their shots are going instead of through the net. "I have a su####ion our field goals are sneaking around on us when they are supposed to be going in the hoop," said head coach Pat Riley. "There is no way we could make so few in a game. We want to find out exactly what those shots are up to. I didn't want to say anything publicly, but we've been making a lot less field goals at home during practice. Every time I try to get them to go, the shots say they have a headache and are too tired to go in the basket. When we first met, it was every day, nonstop scores. But now, it's getting tough to even get it in there."

The investigator, Nick Everett, was outside the arena during the 3rd quarter when a 17-foot jumper that Ricky Davis launched left the venue. "The shot told Ricky it was going into the basket when it left his fingers," said Everett. But sure enough it didn't go in, but it did jump into it's car and head to a strip club downtown. I followed the shot as it went in to the establishment and got several very private lap dances. I had to blend in, so I was forced to get a few myself on the Heat's tab. It was horrible. After going in the VIP room for a little bit the shot emerged and headed for the parking lot with one of the girls. I confronted it and the woman there. Apparently the shot claimed it was heading back to the basket now so it could go in, but the woman lived close to the basket and wanted a ride. I followed them discreetly for some time and they never made it back to the arena, instead stopping off in a park. I must also say I've never seen a woman lick a basketball so much, or get it to fit in some very strange places. It was grotesque, but also amazing."

A teary-eyed Pat Riley had a quick talk with the press after hearing the news. "I knew it! I'm here trying to coach a basketball game, raise these kids into real players, and our shots are out shmoozing with other women! I'm disgusted, and I vow we won't take another shot all season. Then we'll see who really needs who. Hopefully we can start winning some games now that we're taking out our biggest problem, the shot itself."

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The Miami Heat are in one of the worst losing streaks their franchise, and indeed all of basketball has ever seen. They have lost 13 in a row, Shaq looks like a man from a retirement home, and Pat Riley has one foot already out the door. It doesn't seem like it could get any worse for the team that is only 2 years removed from a championship. But one Miami resident claims this is only the beginning of a long 1,000 game losing streak that will last until the year 2044. The prognosticator is homeless Miamian Mark Hathoway, long known among the homeless community for claiming he was from the future, and the only reason he can't find a job in our time is because he possesses "future diseases".

He agreed to be interviewed by The Sports Comedian if we took him out for lunch. Despite smelling like cat urine and Jack Daniels, we agreed to take him to McDonalds. As he feasted on a McRib, he laid out how the future will unravel for the Miami Heat. It will be 37 years until they get their next victory over the Antarctica Hyper-Generals, a 206-201 win. They will still have Shaq on the team, as he refuses to retire despite doing everything one can do in a career and having increasingly bad numbers every season. At this time he will be averaging -2.3 points per game, 1.2 blocks per game on his own team. His alzheimer's makes it very hard to know which basket he is defending or shooting on. The team also still be coached by the skeleton of Pat Riley, which actually looks healthier than the current Pat Riley.

Hathoway then asked us to see if we could loan him any money for alcohol. We asked why he needed that, and he said time machines were built solely out of alcohol. We declined that offer.

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The Heat traded three-time All-Star forward Antoine Walker to the Minnesota Timberwolves on Wednesday in a five-player deal that came one day after Miami completed a winless preseason. Walker, backup center Michael Doleac, oft-injured forward Wayne Simien and a conditional first-round draft pick were sent to Minnesota for former Miami swingman Ricky Davis and center Mark Blount.

The deal gives Minnesota added depth and gives Miami a third scoring option it wanted in Davis. The Heat will try to fit him in alongside Shaquille O'Neal and Dwyane Wade -- the 2006 Finals MVP who'll miss a few more weeks while recovering from knee and shoulder surgeries. Walker helped the Heat win the 2006 NBA title but hasn't always had the easiest time dealing with Heat coach Pat Riley's strict conditioning standards.

Translation: You can not stop Antoine Walker from being fat. It is impossible.

This trade may or may not help the Heat, as Davis will be their third option. The major question will be whether or not Wade and Shaq can ever get, and stay, healthy at the same time. The last time that happened was in the jurassic period.

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