After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
"Well, that's
the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell
Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even
playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all
the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and
Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep
in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like
beach volleyball and basketball."
"We are working on some new
sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against
the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There
are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else.
There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each
other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is
played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event.
There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major
metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more
chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game
ever. We are very excited."
"Sometimes we just need to add
something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we
added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women
play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and
then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But
most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so
it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics.
I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with
a bow..."
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
Team USA is a little late
in trying to change their gameplay this close to the olympics, but it
seems like this revolutionary tactic may help them out. While no NBA
coach with the team seems to know anything about the very foreign
strategy, they are flying in a high school coach from Greece. His team
swept through the junior world championships against seemingly better
American teams by utilyzing such crazy tactics as putting up their
hands and geting in front of people who are trying to score, to which
the American kids had no counter. He should arrive some time tonight to
get started teaching some of these techniques to Team USA.
The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break
down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.
Celtics vs. Hawks: Hawks
have long been the bane of midgets hailing from Ireland. Their fued
dates back to the 1400's, when giant hawks would swoop down and grab
them from their fjords because of the attraction to their gold buckle
shoes. But these are modern times, and the Celtics have a lot more
going for them now. Mainly their having hands, and hence the ability to
shoot a firearm, is going to spell trouble for the birds as they can
easily be shot out of the sky. I predict a Celtics victory. But if that
Hawks want to have a chance they are going to have to go after the
Celts only good eye(the right one). They could also get lucky and reap
the benefits of a lung cancer diagnosis mid-game due to the Celts love
for pipe smoking.
Prediction: Celtics 4-1
Pistons vs. 76ers: One
of the battles that I have only seen before in my greatest of dreams,
car parts against people from the year 1776. I think too much has
changed in the past 200 years for the 76ers to be competitive in this
series. They are still riding around on horses, wearing those triangle
hats, and writing articles of confederacy. Look for the Pistons to
drive right over the Sixers while they are in the middle of the street
attemtping to draft a declaration of independence.
Prediction: Pistons 4-1
Magic vs. Raptors: It's
magic versus velociraptors. To get a proper feel for this movie you
have to look at the popularity of the two mascots. Raptors were all the
rage back in the 90's with the Jurassic Park films, but now it's all
about Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord Of The Rings. Magic is everywhere
and Orlando is going to tap into this pop culture relevance to put away
that red #### wearing oversized dinosaur shoes. Also, it is very
tough to maintain good ball control with a three-fingered claw hand.
Magic win in a closer one.
Prediction: Magic 4-2
Wizards vs. Cavaliers: The
magic users take on the men trained in arms and horsemanship. This is
also an age-old fued that dates back to the middle ages. Cavaliers
nearly drove Wizards to extinction, both in the old war and the last
few years in their playoff series. I think it's finally time for the
Wiz to strike back. Firstly, look how flexible they are. There is no
reason why that pose is even necessary, yet they are doing it. Also,
they can levitate a basketball and point at the sun at the same time.
That takes skill. Their skills will narrowly overcome that of the Cavs.
A
strange situation happened during this weekend's all-star game when
Jason Kidd was traded to the Dallas Mavericks during the middle of the
contest. The game, which eventually was won by the east 134-128, was
proceeding as usual in the third quarter and the East had just made a
steal and a fast break down the court. Ray Allen made a long pass to
Dwight Howard and Jason Kidd on the other end of the floor. But just as
Howard was about to take the ball up for a dunk, Kidd pulled a gun out
of his shorts and aimed it at the slam dunk champion.
"Jason? What are you doing?" asked a confused Howard.
"You
always knew it would come to this Dwight," said Kidd, who tore off his
jersey to reveal one that said West underneath. "I can't play in this
horrible conference forever. Only having one other future hall of famer
on my team? I need 5 like every other West team! All you Eastern
Conference players knew eventually I would have to turn on you. As
Iverson and Shaq have done, I too must betray your inferior conference.
Now, give me the ball."
"You won't get away with this Kidd!" said Lebron James. "Wherever you go, we will find you."
"I
don't think so fools. I'll be on a team with so many good players
you'll never know which one is me," answered Kidd. "The ball! Now!"
Howard
handed Kidd the ball and he took it in one hand while keeping the gun
fixed on everyone else with the other. "Good, now everyone just back
away. Slowly. Keep those hands up!"
"Good luck over there Jason." said Dwight Howard. "But before you go, isn't there one thing you are forgetting?"
Kidd looked at Howard with a smirk. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?"
"That
I'm..." Howard ripped off his jersey to reveal a cape and blue tights.
"..Superman!" With that Howard grabbed the gun and bent it in half with
his bare hands. He then grabbed the ball from Kidd, yelled "It's time
to dunk!", and flew out through the roof of the arena. He continued to
fly out of the earth's atmosphere to the Sun where he no-look-passed
the ball to the Sun, who alley-ooped it, now on fire, back to Howard.
He then flew back to earth, into the arena, and slammajammed the
flaming ball it into the hoop. The East all-stars then gave a group
high five, like at the end of a Charley's Angels episode, and the crowd
went wild. Howard then used his x-ray vision to look at the all-star
cheerleaders.
"I'll get you next time Howard. I'll get you next time..." said Kidd as he walked off the court with his minions of the West.
Orlando's
Dwight Howard takes some time out to have an argument with his left
hand. Lebron James is jealous that he and his hand don't have that kind
of close relationship anymore.
Orange spray-on tan? Check. Mustache and comb over? Check. Pastel
t-shirt combined with sports coat? Big check. But, you might be
surprised to learn that this picture is not of a used car salesman, but
of Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy.
Welcome to The Sports Comedian: The Worldwide Leader In Sports Satire! We wheel and deal in the very best fake comedy news. As a warning, all our stories are fake. The quotes, people, and places mentioned probably aren't real. The articles might be based on real events, but it's all just funny nonsense.
So join The Sports Comedian crew as we bring you the wild world of sports with a humorous touch. Also, check out our official site at
After
yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we
invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic
Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With
baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing
two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries
care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who
just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before
entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game
seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids
we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom
Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie
Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.
LeBron
James said at a press conference today from Beijing that the Men's
basketball team is going to attempt "that whole defense thing everyone
in the world keeps talking about". Defense, a tactic commonly used in
European and World basketball, is where players attempt to actually
stop the other team from scoring instead of waiting at the other end of
the court for a fast break or making celebratory hand gestures for half
the shot clock after getting a basket.
A
strange situation happened during this weekend's all-star game when
Jason Kidd was traded to the Dallas Mavericks during the middle of the
contest. The game, which eventually was won by the east 134-128, was
proceeding as usual in the third quarter and the East had just made a
steal and a fast break down the court. Ray Allen made a long pass to
Dwight Howard and Jason Kidd on the other end of the floor. But just as
Howard was about to take the ball up for a dunk, Kidd pulled a gun out
of his shorts and aimed it at the slam dunk champion. 
