Terrell Owens was informed today that he owes $769,120 to his old team the Philadelphia Eagles, as his divorce from them has finally gone through. The former Hollywood power couple, dubbed Terreagles by the media, was the "It" couple all through 2004. They appeared on lists of the hottest young couples, attended all the major movie premieres and parties. They had several human-eagle mutant children, that were a medical miracle at the time. It's unknown how Owens was able to mate with an actual eagle, or why he would even try, but the photos of the babies went for millions of dollars to Star magazine. One adorable photo sticks in everyone's mind, that of Owens regurgitating some chewed up vegetables into the beak of his daughter.

But some time in 2005, the relationship started to sour. Many rumors circulated as to what the trouble in paradise was. Many believed the Eagles wanted some more children, and maybe even a championship, something Owens wasn't ready to give them. Others believe he started secretly dating Tony Romo, when the two appeared together in a Right Guard commercial. Whatever the case, the two divorced a mere 7 games into the 2005 season. With Owens not having filed a pre-nup, the Eagles began litigation to receive half of his earnings as well as child support for their mutant children, who have to attend a special private school for genetic abominations.

A.J. Feeley screws up the ingenious new Philadelphia Eagles trick play where the entire team hides behind Andy Reed.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• While McNabb may be up and down with his on-the-field play during his career, at least he remains healthy every season.
• Carson Palmer is going to go crazy this week in Arizona, and has vowed to throw 4 TD passes, but he did not specify to which team.
• The Miami Dolphins humiliation tour will end with a stop in Philadelphia. There is no way they can lose to ex-Dolphin bust A.J. Feeley. They've already fallen to former busts Daunte Culpepper and Sage Rosenfels. If they can somehow add a game with Chicago, they can complete the gauntlet by losing one the Brian Griese as well.
• I wish I had a job where I drew on a whiteboard all day, illustrating shipping procedures like that guy on the UPS commercials. He doesn't have a care in the world obviously, as he has grown a mullet the size of which hasn't been seen North of Georgia. That's not just a mullet, that's a mullet with UPS.
• Sometimes a wide receiver throws a pass on a trick play, sometimes it happens twice in a game, but hardly ever do their 2 passes look better than every complete game thrown by your starters the entire season. Vikings, please tell me your QB coach is not making more than $5 dollars per week.
• NBC Execs- "We have chosen the one game that will be kept close against New England for the rest of the season! Glad we moved the game to tonight, these will be some great ratings!"
• Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are about done in their careers. There isn't too much left in the tank.
• The secret behind that Verizon Wireless commercial where the dad with way too gray hair tells everyone in his family they are his number one while being a general #### and wearing a sweater vest: That crowd outside his house is not his "network", they are lynching mob who've assembled to kill him for being annoying beyond description.
• When you can lose your first 8 games and still have a shot at winning the division or you can be the Denver Broncos and be in first place, you aren't playing in real divisions. Can we separate the west from the rest of the United States so they can have their own league of crappiness?
• Reasons I'm picking Detroit and New Orleans to go far in the post-season: they can really put some points on the board.
• In case anyone hasn't heard, and if so where have you been, under a rock or something? The McRib is back! Despite McDonald's announcing last year they were having a farewell tour for the sandwich and it will never return, it is here once again. I, of course, was camped outside a McDonald's the night before waiting for it to open so I could get the first one. I then learned the McDonald's was open 24-hours. Damn it. So where has the McRib been all this time? Maybe visiting Germany, the one place where it is sold year round, which means Germany is the closest approximation to Heaven on earth.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Uh oh, the San Diego defense on my fantasy team is going up against that fearsome Colts offense. They never turn the ball over.
• Brooks Bollinger will pass for more than 8 yards in the first half against Green Bay.
• The key to the New Orleans resurgence has been that defense, they are just good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• After years of seeing Wendy as only an idealized red-headed girl on the Wendy's logo, the truth has finally been revealed. She is actually a riot-inciting crossdresser who lives in a dream world where people chop down trees with their feet and jump into holes.
• Philadelphia just always seems to run out of steam in the 4th quarter, look for them to be burried on Veteran's Day by the team from our nation's capital.
• The thing that impresses me most about the Raiders is that they can plug any QB into that system and they can succeed. Look for a lot of points Sunday.
• I've seen a person with dreadlocks maybe 2 times in all my real life. I see at least 5 people with dreadlocks on the football field at all times. Someone should investigate this.
• I just got my ticket for the Detroit Lions bandwagon! Wahoo! Nothing is gonna slow this thing down now! Wait a minute, is that a cardinal in the middle of the road to the Super Bowl? Surely that won't derail this Detroit Express.
• For fans of the greatest comedy show on TV right now, the 2007 Miami Dolphins, they will not be disappointed and have to watch an actual close football game.
• I think we can all agree the best thing about NFL broadcasts is the TD-Commercial Break-Kickoff Return-Immediate Second Commercial Break sequence. Nothing gets you into the game after a score like a 10 second interlude of football between commercials.
• Some fool in my fantasy league traded me Adrian Peterson for that washed up old Donovan McNabb?! The title is mine!
• There is no way the Cowboys can beat the Giants when they are wearing their ridiculous all-red jerseys.
• If there is one thing we can all be thankful for during this WGA writer's strike, it's that it finally stopped The Big #### Theory, and their horrible promos from existing. Let's hope this thing goes on for awhile. I think sacrificing every show and movie forever might be worth it to stop this horrible sitcom.