The Detroit Pistons fired head coach Flip Saunders yesterday after he failed to get past the Eastern Conference finals for the third year in a row. It is a surprising and harsh move, considering his consistent success and merely failure to win a championship. But team management doesn't see it that way, and they say more big changes are under way for the organization. Those changes took shape overnight as every player, coach, assistant, and executive was let go by the Pistons. In fact, according to the latest employment listings from the club, they now employ no one.

"We all had to go," said president of basketball operations Joe Dumars. "When a team only gets to three conference championships in a row, no one in the organization should be safe. I'm just surprised teams like the Milwaukee Bucks haven't fired all of their people by now, they haven't gotten as far as we have ever. Teams like that need to really up their expectations. I'm not sure any of us deserve to be working right now. Even the Celtics and Lakers have played like #### at times. Fire everyone and start over, that's what I say. This NBA is obviously not good enough to have only one champion each year. With this much talent we should be getting at least a dozen annually."

This morning, ESPN released an e-mail it had received from source identifying itself as XB-718. "Hello human man. I analyze that you are a reporter. Please transmit to your peers that I am in sole control of the Pistons. The humans were weak, they could not play basketball well. You humans never could. I am running things now. Next year the team will consist of 3D polygonal players and calculated infractions of light. Our goal will not be to merely win a championship, but the Lazer-Championship-Cup. It's a championship above your human title, and one your small feeble minds could not even understand. By the way, tickets are now available for the 2008-2009 season, please buy them as robots love money."

Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only 9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully continue buying Big Three merchandise.

"We are still going to have the same look and feel as the old Big Three," said Pierce. "I have agreed to pick up the points that were previously being scored by Ray, and as you can see from last night that's going pretty well. He just wasn't contributing to the vision we had in our heads for The Big Three. We envisioned him giving us the same 17 per game he always had, but he insisted on doing something artsy in the single digits. He said we just didn't get what he was trying to do with his game, and we'll admit we had no idea."

Allen has vowed to not let this deter him from his efforts to expand his game beyond what it was. "People are getting bored with that same old Big Three play they've been watching for months," said an angry Allen. "I was trying to put something new out there, something innovative. Maybe there can be a member of the Big Three who isn't very good, or who turns the ball over repeatedly to keep the game close. I was doing some experimental stuff out there, and they just didn't get it. But I have some cool stuff planned for the next round in my solo debut effort. I'm going to put out some basketball play that people haven't seen before, maybe a 3.5 point shot. A lot of people are asking how that's going to happen. Well, you'll just have to stay tuned to find out."

Interest in a Ray Allen solo effort has not been very good among fans, with many people claiming The Big Three will not be able to capture the magic of their original productions. "I used to be a big fan of The Big Three earlier in the season," said young fan Jim Lovre. "But now their play just seems so corporate. I liked it a lot more back when they were all indie and rebel."

Yet another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.

It's unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach, this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team they lost to earlier in the week.

Despite the poor play of the Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there. They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again. We'll see what happens."

SportsComedian.com

The NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey over that."

"So, what we're going to do is just create an alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose. College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see. Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team. Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."

Kobe Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30 points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.

The Pistons scoreboard operator has had an outstanding season manipulating time itself, and yesterday was another example of just how valuable he is to this team. There were times during the season when a loss seemed absolutely certain, only to have the scoreboard operator put this team on his back and say "Hey, this game isn't over until I say it is. You now have 5 more minutes on that clock. Let's go get it done." Speeches like this helped to motivate the team to come out and beat their confused foes, who had often already begun leaving the court thinking they had won. Many pundits thought his outstanding play, and selection of motivational jumbotron messages such as "D-Fence!", "Let's Go Pistons", and "D-Fence!!!" were perfect this year and worthy of the MVP.

"I feel he got robbed," said the Orlando Magic scoreboard operator, who has been unable to shut down his opponent in the first 2 games. "He's a miestro with the numbers. There is no one else in the sport who can do what he does to cheat other teams out of victories. I look forward to facing him in the rest of this series, hopefully I don't get completely blown away."

With the Philadelphia 76ers 90-86 win over the Detroit Pistons in game one of their first round series yesterday, the 76ers have shown that maybe they can make this thing competitive. Detroit was picked to win the series in two games by many pundits, blowing out the Sixers so bad they would simply concede after two contests. But now it will go at least five as Philadelphia shows it can play with what some considered to be the best team in the East and maybe the entire NBA.

This has excited fans in Philly, who thought their franchise had been traded to Denver last season. "Oh, I didn't know we still had a team here," said resident Gordon Kelly after learning of the win. "I thought the Sixers were now a minor league farm team for the Nuggets. Well, that's exciting. So who's on our team anyway?"

That's a question being asked not just by fans, but also the television announcers. The TV announcers were very happy the series would be over in two games, so short they did not bother have to learning the names of the listless players who had guided the Sixers to their sub-.500 record. Now however, they have some studying to do. "Damn it," said ESPN commentator Greg Anthony. "I got away for an entire game just calling them That Guy, The Tall One, and Some Black Dude. Now I actually have to study tonight and learn their names? This sucks. Wait a minute, they have a guy named Iguodala and a guy named Shavlik? Is this a joke?"

The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.

• 
  Celtics vs. Hawks: Hawks have long been the bane of midgets hailing from Ireland. Their fued dates back to the 1400's, when giant hawks would swoop down and grab them from their fjords because of the attraction to their gold buckle shoes. But these are modern times, and the Celtics have a lot more going for them now. Mainly their having hands, and hence the ability to shoot a firearm, is going to spell trouble for the birds as they can easily be shot out of the sky. I predict a Celtics victory. But if that Hawks want to have a chance they are going to have to go after the Celts only good eye(the right one). They could also get lucky and reap the benefits of a lung cancer diagnosis mid-game due to the Celts love for pipe smoking.
  
  Prediction: Celtics 4-1
  
  
• 
  Pistons vs. 76ers: One of the battles that I have only seen before in my greatest of dreams, car parts against people from the year 1776. I think too much has changed in the past 200 years for the 76ers to be competitive in this series. They are still riding around on horses, wearing those triangle hats, and writing articles of confederacy. Look for the Pistons to drive right over the Sixers while they are in the middle of the street attemtping to draft a declaration of independence.
  
  Prediction: Pistons 4-1
  
  
• 
  Magic vs. Raptors: It's magic versus velociraptors. To get a proper feel for this movie you have to look at the popularity of the two mascots. Raptors were all the rage back in the 90's with the Jurassic Park films, but now it's all about Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord Of The Rings. Magic is everywhere and Orlando is going to tap into this pop culture relevance to put away that red #### wearing oversized dinosaur shoes. Also, it is very tough to maintain good ball control with a three-fingered claw hand. Magic win in a closer one.
  
  Prediction: Magic 4-2
  
  
• 
  Wizards vs. Cavaliers: The magic users take on the men trained in arms and horsemanship. This is also an age-old fued that dates back to the middle ages. Cavaliers nearly drove Wizards to extinction, both in the old war and the last few years in their playoff series. I think it's finally time for the Wiz to strike back. Firstly, look how flexible they are. There is no reason why that pose is even necessary, yet they are doing it. Also, they can levitate a basketball and point at the sun at the same time. That takes skill. Their skills will narrowly overcome that of the Cavs.
  
  Prediction: Wizards 4-3
  

At approximately 5:32 AM eastern time this morning, loud explosions rocked the midwest of the United States. High powered bombs erupted underground from Duluth, Minnesota down to Galveston, Texas. It's unconfirmed at this time who was responsible for the attack, but a video was submitted to CNN from a group calling itself the Western Conference Liberation Front.

The video features a man in a black ski mask reading a prepared statement. "Dear infidels in the east, for far too long have you made us play your inferior teams in the so-called playoffs. While we can stand this sacriledge during the regular season, where we can use you to pad our records, having to play one of your teams in the finals is more than we can bear. We have decided to secede from the NBA and make our own league, to accomplish this we have detached the entire Western Conference from the U.S. At this time we are now drifting into the Pacific Ocean. Hopefully we stop before we hit China, as this half of the country has no seatbelts, so that's probably going to hurt a lot."

"We want to appologize to the Boston Celtics and Detroit Pistons, you are better than that conference, but we have to escape all of you. We're sorry. Now that we have our own country and league, we are going to expand our playoff field to include every team. We're all so good we all deserve to get in. The country will also have a new currency that will replace the dollar, it is called the Westernian. We're also sorry to New York, the city not the team, you were a fun place. And Philadelphia, we are going to miss your delicious cheesesteaks. But this is something we had to do for the good of the game. Goodbye eastern half of the United States. We'll try to keep in touch."

Isiah Thomas held a press conference today to talk about why the New York Knicks are having such a bad season. They are a dismal 8-22, but Thomas assured the visiting press and fans that this was not due to his team's lack of talent. "In my eyes we have a team that is capable of winning a championship this year," said Thomas. "But I have set bigger goals for this team and this franchise this year. We will put an NBA basketball team on the moon this year, and it will be the New York Knicks. That is our focus, that is our drive. I've got news for all these teams out there like the Celtics and Spurs pushing hard to win a World Championship: the moon isn't on the world. Therefore they will not be champions over us. It's a brilliant plan."

Many questions were asked of Thomas, such as how he plans to get there. "We don't have actual basketball practice anymore, as can be evidenced in how we look out there on the court. Instead I have turned our practice facility into a rocket science research lab. Basketball players aren't the best jet propulsion scientists out there, so far we've just nailed some cardboard box wings on the side of two trash cans. But, I feel we're on the path to space travel. Hell, Russia somehow made it into space."

"We've had a few trouble makers on our laboratory roster. Stephon Marbury has been benched from the starting engineering team, and he was very unhappy with that decision. He threw a beaker full of ionized fuel residue at a wall and stormed out of the building. That could of been very bad, had the residue been active. But, I really think I have this team's focus in the right direction at this point. I don't see any way I'm going to get fired within the next month..."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!