Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating. But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an "awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to wake someone up like that."

Police tried to explain to Walker they were worried about his safety after discovering him face down with bruises all over his body. "Look, maybe I got robbed and beaten into unconsciousness. But it's Vegas baby, they have agiant pyramid right next to a pirate ship here. Crazy things happen, and they gave me some soiled pants to use as a pillow. It was actually quite comfortable. The cops in this city need to learn to mind their own business. Now if you all will excuse me, I'm going to take a little nap partly because I want to find the Princess again, and partly because of blood loss. Goodnight everyone." At this point Walker fell face-first into the ground and the reporters slowed shuffled out of the room, trying their hardest not to wake him up.

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

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For those of you who didn't get to see last night's game, IE most of America, these uniforms really did happen.

(Getty Images)

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Travis Henry has outsmarted the NFL again. As the two continue their usual antics with the NFL trying to outwit the fast Denver Broncos running back, he has come out on top yet again. This time over a disputed drug test that the NFL wanted to have him suspended for a year over, following positive tests in the past. He had been sitting out for most of the season after being signed by Denver to a 5-year contract in the off-season.

The latest victory for Henry reminds us of past time the wily NFL has attempted to catch him. Such as the time they painted a tunnel on the side of a mountain and attempted to get him to run through it, the time they wore roller skates and strapped an Acme rocket to their back, or the time they launched themselves out of a cannon in hopes of getting the drop on him.

This time Henry was in court disputing the charges of a positive pee test for marijuana, and the NFL was attempting to make sure the suspension stuck. The court room exchange went something like this:

"Look, we have his pee right here in this test tube. There is no way he can get away this time!" -NFL

"Well NFL, if that was really pee, then why does it taste like lemonade?" -Travis Henry

"It certainly does not taste like lemonade!" -NFL

"Well, I tried a little bit earlier, and it sure does have a sweet and sour flavor." -Travis Henry

"First of all, that's disgusting. Secondly, it does not have any flavor other than that of pee!" -NFL

"I think it does..." -Travis Henry

"Fine! I'll drink it right now to show you that it is just what I say it is!" -NFL

The NFL then drinks all the liquid in the test tube and proceeds to immediately vomit for what seems like 5 minutes straight.

"Yes, good God, it's definitely pee! Judge, put him away!" -NFL

"Wait a minute NFL. Where's your evidence for testing?" -Travis Henry

"It's in the test tu...Travis Henry! You've tricked us again!" -NFL

"Meep Meep!" -Travis Henry

Henry then runs out a door in the back of the courtroom and the NFL attempts to chase, only to smash into what was only a painting of the door.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary, almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
• The David Carr era begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
• If the NFL were a carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The San Diego Chargers.
• How many commercials must there be of enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
• I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
• Tom Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this year than last.
• Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god that line is back.
  
• There are a lot of ads for anti-balding products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
• First place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play in the AFC West.
• Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
• Maurice Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10 yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
• What was the first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20 years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• While McNabb may be up and down with his on-the-field play during his career, at least he remains healthy every season.
• Carson Palmer is going to go crazy this week in Arizona, and has vowed to throw 4 TD passes, but he did not specify to which team.
• The Miami Dolphins humiliation tour will end with a stop in Philadelphia. There is no way they can lose to ex-Dolphin bust A.J. Feeley. They've already fallen to former busts Daunte Culpepper and Sage Rosenfels. If they can somehow add a game with Chicago, they can complete the gauntlet by losing one the Brian Griese as well.
• I wish I had a job where I drew on a whiteboard all day, illustrating shipping procedures like that guy on the UPS commercials. He doesn't have a care in the world obviously, as he has grown a mullet the size of which hasn't been seen North of Georgia. That's not just a mullet, that's a mullet with UPS.
• Sometimes a wide receiver throws a pass on a trick play, sometimes it happens twice in a game, but hardly ever do their 2 passes look better than every complete game thrown by your starters the entire season. Vikings, please tell me your QB coach is not making more than $5 dollars per week.
• NBC Execs- "We have chosen the one game that will be kept close against New England for the rest of the season! Glad we moved the game to tonight, these will be some great ratings!"
• Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are about done in their careers. There isn't too much left in the tank.
• The secret behind that Verizon Wireless commercial where the dad with way too gray hair tells everyone in his family they are his number one while being a general #### and wearing a sweater vest: That crowd outside his house is not his "network", they are lynching mob who've assembled to kill him for being annoying beyond description.
• When you can lose your first 8 games and still have a shot at winning the division or you can be the Denver Broncos and be in first place, you aren't playing in real divisions. Can we separate the west from the rest of the United States so they can have their own league of crappiness?
• Reasons I'm picking Detroit and New Orleans to go far in the post-season: they can really put some points on the board.
• In case anyone hasn't heard, and if so where have you been, under a rock or something? The McRib is back! Despite McDonald's announcing last year they were having a farewell tour for the sandwich and it will never return, it is here once again. I, of course, was camped outside a McDonald's the night before waiting for it to open so I could get the first one. I then learned the McDonald's was open 24-hours. Damn it. So where has the McRib been all this time? Maybe visiting Germany, the one place where it is sold year round, which means Germany is the closest approximation to Heaven on earth.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."

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Denver Broncos wide receiver Javon Walker needs another surgery on his right knee, the one he tore up in the 2005 opener for Green Bay that caused him to miss the entire season. Walker will have an operation Friday in Houston and will be out "for a few weeks," coach Mike Shanahan said Thursday.

"Javon's not feeling very good," Shanahan said. Shanahan didn't have a precise timetable for Walker's return and said he wasn't sure what the procedure entailed.

Let me give some shout-outs on this story:

• First of all to Mike Shanahan for providing so much information on this injury. Not feeling good, out a few weeks, I'm not sure what they're doing to the knee. Hopefully he's not this out of it in other football matters, or it could explain their horrid record this year.
• Secondly, a shout-out to Javon Walker, for finally showing everyone what it looks like to bald from the sides to the top of the head, instead of the other way around. That is the worst mo-hawk I've ever seen, and if there is one thing I know, it's mo-hawks. Obviously
• Third, you gotta love when players who you, for some reason have on every fantasy team you're playing, get long injuries like this. So, I'm gonna give a shout out to myself and my fantasy draft skills. Nothing like making the same mistake 3 times.

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