The Vegas line for the Jacksonville Jaguars-New England Patriots game is now out, and it has betters a little confused. After pushing the number to record highs against Miami and New York late in the season, the line for Saturday's game is set at -5v72i˜? in favor of the Pats. The number is yet not understood even by the odds-makers in Vegas, but they feel it is the only proper indication of the odds for a Pats victory. Math professors at Harvard and MIT are teaming up to study the number, and see if they can figure out truly how many points New England will win by.

Many internet gamblers who are looking to blow more of their life savings on football this weekend don't know what to do. "I don't get this thing man," said one such confused better. "There are some numbers in there, but there's also a picture of a table or something." That table is meant to be pi, the number used to measure a circle. It's only the second time pi has been included in a betting line. The last was in 1974 when Dallas played Cleveland and the Cowboys were favored by 4?. They were about to cover when the Browns made a meaningless field goal at the last second that was then worth ?. The pi field goal rule has since been removed.

The Jacksonville Jaguars gathered in a meeting called by Jack Del Rio late Thursday night. He was there to break all of them that they have one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL, and his name is David Garrard. 65% passing, 13 TDs, 1 INT, and a 103 QB rating are his stats on the season, yet no one knows he even exists.

"What is this nonsense you are spouting Del Rio?!" said an irate Fred Taylor after the announcement. "We are the Jaguars! We do not have good quarterbacks! And if we did, you'd think some of us would notice." It was then that Garrard emerged from behind a curtain, illiciting gasps from the team. "What is that?! I've never seen anything like it before in my entire career!"

"It's called a good quarterback," replied Del Rio. "His name is David Garrard, and he's actually been on our team and playing in all our games so far. He's been downright great, but no one has noticed."

The team had many questions after that. Some were amazed at what a good QB looked like, having never seen one before. Others simply wanted to touch him. "It's amazing," said receiver Reggie Williams. "I never noticed he was throwing me the ball. Apparently I also have a locker next to his, carpool with him, and babysit his kids on the weekend. Who knew!"

We contacted the NFL on when they would be making an announcement about Garrard being a great QB to the general public. They say the world is not yet ready to know, and are going to make the statement before the playoffs officially begin.

But the most surprised people of all of Garrard's existence were his own parents, who Del Rio informed at their home. "Apparently we have a 29-year-old boy named David, and he's good at football," said a stunned James Garrard. "I don't remember ever raising a son, but I guess we did somehow. He just snuck up on us all."

While the rest of the world is yet unaware of Garrard, the United States Government is seeking samples of his DNA to use in stealth technology. "We could make some amazing stealth bombers with whatever David Garrard is made out of," said a Pentagon spokesperson. "No one saw him coming, and no one is noticing him at this very moment. That's what we need, a bomber that can be right in front of your face dropping a nuke or throwing a touchdown, and you'd never even see it."

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.