The NHL created a new rule yesterday after the New York Rangers' Sean Avery used the unorthodox tactic of getting in the way of Martin Brodeur to distract and limit his vision. They have announced that effective immediately there will be no more ####s allowed in NHL games. This drastic rule change sent shockwaves throughout the league as it happened during the playoffs and changes many teams strategies and outlooks. Avery himself, who now has to find other work as an ####, was understandably upset, "There is so little work out there for a good #### these days. What am I supposed to do now? Go heckle at comedy clubs and pour condiments on benches at fast food restaurants? That's amateur stuff. I was a professional #### on ice, and the NHL has taken my livelihood away from me."

While Avery has announced he will challenge the rule change, he is only one piece of the New York Rangers to be removed. The biggest problems face the Dallas Stars, long known around the league to be a bunch of ####s. "This is ridiculous and discriminatory!" said Dallas GM Doug Armstrong. "We now have no one to play our game 4 against Anaheim! We were leading 2-1 for goodness sake! The league knew that if there was one thing the Stars were known for, it's our giant ####s. They are the biggest around, and this change hits us really hard. Now I'm going to have to put together a normal team? This is just sad. I liked walking down the street and have people say 'Hey, there goes that guy with the humongous ####'. That's a good feeling, and I don't know where we go from here."

Mike Modano became the highest-scoring American in NHL history on Wednesday with two goal s in the first 4 minutes and 24 seconds. He passed Phil Housley's career record for points by a U.S.-born player in the Dallas Stars' 3-1 victory over the San Jose Sharks.

Modano, a 37 year old center who has played with Minnesota and Dalles, tied the record with a long goal past Evgeni Nabokov just 2:19 in. He then added a short-handed goal moments later, earning a cheer from the opposing crowd for the remarkable feat.

The event was still only seen live on the Versus Network, meaning perhaps 7 total people saw it happen. Afterwards he held a press conference for a very interested press core sent to cover the event, but due to the unpopularity of hockey there were not the usual news outlets.

"Welcome everyone, I'm now going to take questions from the crowd now about my new scoring record. There are only a few of you here, so let's go around the room." -Modano

"Mike Beninger, ESPN: The Restaurant. Mr. Modano, we're thinking of naming a dish after you on our menu. What is your favorite food?"

"Pizza probably."

"Well, that's already named after Mike Piazza...We have available liver and onions, and quiche."

"You guys serve quiche?"

"It's currently ESPN: The Quiche. But we'll work on changing it to Modano's Juicy Quiche."

"Please don't do that. Next question."

"Jerry Tadsmith, Highlights For Kids Magazine. Mike, if I showed you two pictures here do you think you'd be able to tell what the differences were between them?"

"What? Next question."

"Bill Blassy, SkyMall Magazine. Have you ever wanted a deviced that can both juice and dice your fruits and vegetables? Because we have one that is only $199.99. But because you are now the leading U.S. goal-scorer, we're willing to give it to you for the low-low price of 6 payments of $39.99."

"Not interested. Next question."

"Screename MikeRulz247, MikeModanoIsHot.com. Mr Modano, how does it feel to be so incredibly hot?"

"Is there not a single actual sports news organization here?!"

Modano then stormed out of the room, refusing to answer further questions from National Geographic, The Style Network, and The Elizabethtown Bi-yearly Newsletter.

SportsComedian.com