"We are now down to 49 states", announced President George Bush this morning in a speech from the Oval Office. "Apparently, over the last few weeks a new Mongolian army has sprung up in southern Canada, and they have invaded and captured the state of Montana. Somehow, Congress missed the warning signs of this happening, due to concentrating all efforts on a dual-front investigation of Roger Clemens and Spygate. This has left no time for surveillance, foreign intelligence, or defense. We are now at war with the Mongols, and there may be nothing we can do about it."

The Mongolian army was able to successfully sack Montana in about 24-hours, riding upon horses into the state capital early this morning. Despite wielding only spears and clubs, they were able to defeat the national guard of Montana due to them not being stocked with any firearms. "We were told the army's defense budget was being reallocated to sports investigations," said Lieutenant Gary Boone from the neighboring Idaho National Guard. "We have so many investigations going, and they're looking to open up a few more. I've heard whispers of the government looking into jai-alai fixing, MMA weigh-in cheating, and illegal boat construction in sailboat racing. It's a bad time to be involved with sports. Oh, and also if you live in Montana. I hear they are eating the brains of their conquered slaves right now. That's also a bad time."

The government heard about this takeover early today, but said they have more pressing issues to deal with before they can think of mounting a counter-offensive. "One of the titans of baseball could have taken steroids," said Representative Gary Waxman. "We need to hold some more non-trials to talk about this without any resolution or reprocussions. We have a lot of congressmen here who want to scold people on public television, and they need to be heard. What ever came out of Montana anyway? Trees? Trees are not America's pasttime, sports are. What makes the oxygen we breathe? Sports, and that's a scientifically proven fact. This is where our priorities are right now."

When asked what would be done about the people already under Mongolian slaveship, Waxman said, "What were they doing living way out there anyway? There are no sports teams in Montana. I talked to the Montana senators about putting a warning on the welcome sign about Mongol invasion, but they didn't listen. It's very sad, but they brought this on themselves."

The Mongols have made some demands to the government in exchange for not annexing any further territory. They want 500 pounds of raw meat, 1000 naked unshaven women, and an X-Box 360. They like Halo 3 quite a bit.

Brian McNamee handed over new hard evidence to Congress today that his lawyer says will prove that Roger Clemens did indeed take performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens held yet another press conference to refute each piece of evidence given to the government by his former trainer.

• On Blood Sample With HGH- I have given and sold many blood samples to fans during my playing days. My old website Clemensblood.com was very popular for fans who wanted to own something that had been pumped through the heart of a champion. Also, I'd imagine it was a very popular service with vampires. He could have easily gotten it from there and doctored it.
• On Single Titled "HGH Is My Everything" From Unreleased Demo Country Album- This was put out when I was dating a girl outside of my marriage named Heather Garrett Henderson, and it was about her. The line about shooting HGH up before the big game...well, that's something I don't want to talk about. Let's just say the police have already investigated the matter and cleared me of any charges.
• On A Script Written By Clemens Called "Super Cleman" About A Super Hero Who Fight Crime With His Steroid Powered Abilities- This thing was fiction. Plus there have been stories like this in the past. I'm not entirely convinced Popeye's spinach was clean. Anybody test that or bring him before congress? I've eaten green vegetables, and all they do is taste like butt, they don't allow me to fight sailors.
• On Photo Of Clemens Getting Injected With Giant Needle Labled "Steroids", While Giving A Thumbs Up- This was a Halloween costume! Come on people, we've all dressed up as something for Halloween that we didn't actually like. I've seen lots of other people in Barry Bonds costumes like mine, and haven't heard a peep about it.
• On Clemens Severed Left Arm With Needle Still In It- Yes, this seems like a pretty damning piece of evidence, considering my arm is currently missing from my torso as I sit before you. But, I assure you I just mis-placed it last night during some heavy drinking on my ranch. I'm sure one of the dogs will bring it back to the door any minute now. As you can see, despite all of this supposed evidence, none of it is going to stick. So, who wants to pay me $25 million for a couple months work?

Congress called a press conference today to announce that they are striking the last 12 years of baseball records out of the books. Long known to have had an interest in the steroid scandals that have plagued baseball over the past decade, many people believe the records were being abolished because of this. But it is actually due to the fact that the government stationed so many undercover agents inside baseball, they are now the only players left in the game. The world was left confused and bewildered by this reveal.

Senator Howard Thompson explains, "About 20 years ago we caught word of rampart steroid use in Major League Baseball. We knew that as Congress we had to get something done to stop these drugs from taking over the game. So we put FBI agents into spring training camps in hopes of keeping an eye on some of the players, see how far steroids had spread. It worked well, and we were getting some good information that first year so we kept adding agents every offseason. Eventually, about some 12 years ago, virtually every player left on major league rosters was actually an undercover agent."

"It all started with Chief Investigator Barry Bonds, put into the Pirates organization in 1986," added Representative Michael Gerhan. "He was just supposed to last until the season started and get a feel for the steroids situation, but somehow he actually made the team. At some point he went rogue, and began using the substance he was supposed to police. We tried to take him down by adding more undercover agents, but were unable to get close enough to him. From there he went on to win 7 MVP awards and become the all-time home run leader. There have been several massive failings of the FBI over the past decade, and that probably stems from the fact that 98% of our operatives are investigating baseball."

Congress admits it may have taken too great an interest in steroids and baseball, and perhaps it should have worried about other issues. It's unknown at this time just how many agents there are still in MLB, but most records are now being abolished due to the fact they were set by people merely pretending to be players. Even Ichiro Suzuki has been revealed as a Tokyo Intelligence operative. "This is a sad day for baseball," said Thompson. "But a good day for Congress as we admit our mistakes and begin to focus on things that really matter. Say, let's talk about taxes...alright, who knows how those even work?"