Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only 9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully continue buying Big Three merchandise.

"We are still going to have the same look and feel as the old Big Three," said Pierce. "I have agreed to pick up the points that were previously being scored by Ray, and as you can see from last night that's going pretty well. He just wasn't contributing to the vision we had in our heads for The Big Three. We envisioned him giving us the same 17 per game he always had, but he insisted on doing something artsy in the single digits. He said we just didn't get what he was trying to do with his game, and we'll admit we had no idea."

Allen has vowed to not let this deter him from his efforts to expand his game beyond what it was. "People are getting bored with that same old Big Three play they've been watching for months," said an angry Allen. "I was trying to put something new out there, something innovative. Maybe there can be a member of the Big Three who isn't very good, or who turns the ball over repeatedly to keep the game close. I was doing some experimental stuff out there, and they just didn't get it. But I have some cool stuff planned for the next round in my solo debut effort. I'm going to put out some basketball play that people haven't seen before, maybe a 3.5 point shot. A lot of people are asking how that's going to happen. Well, you'll just have to stay tuned to find out."

Interest in a Ray Allen solo effort has not been very good among fans, with many people claiming The Big Three will not be able to capture the magic of their original productions. "I used to be a big fan of The Big Three earlier in the season," said young fan Jim Lovre. "But now their play just seems so corporate. I liked it a lot more back when they were all indie and rebel."

It seemed as if LeBron James had no help during game 7 of the Eastern Conference semi-finals. This was highly evident during the rest of the team's 5 minutes nap time in the middle of the 4th quarter.

Yet another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.

It's unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach, this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team they lost to earlier in the week.

Despite the poor play of the Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there. They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again. We'll see what happens."

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Kevin Garnett unveils his latest effort in the Vulgar Slam Dunk Contest, wherein he slams a jam in the basket and then hangs from the rim while crapping on Anderson Varejao.

Gregg Popovich has outlined a new gameplan he says will help the San Antonio Spurs take the lead in their series with the Hornets as it heads back to New Orleans tonight. That innovative gameplan is to actually try on the road, something no team has really done during the second round so far. He came up with the plan after many sleepless nights of studying classic basketball strategy books and reviewing game footage.

It's unknown how this will play out in the game tonight, but other coaches around the league are skeptical. "He wants to actually give 100% on the road?" said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "This is basketball we're playing here, not crazyball. If he wants to embarrass himself and his team by trying something like that, go ahead. We're not going to look silly on TV by actually trying and then losing a game to a lesser team without any excuses. We're going to claim the home crowd fires us up and makes us play on another level, and let Lebron do whatever he wants in Cleveland in the meantime. We're going to ride that excuse all the way into the Finals, the way it should be."

The NBA league office is searching for ways to make sure a Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers Finals takes place this year. What seemed like almost absolute certainty entering the post-season is now in jeopardy after the Utah Jazz tied up their series on Sunday and Boston has struggled on the road against both Atlanta and Cleveland. "At this point nothing is certain," said David Stern. "What we do know for sure is that no one wants to see Utah or Cleveland battle it out for a championship. I personally would rather watch some nonsense like hockey over that."

"So, what we're going to do is just create an alternative championship, just in case one of these teams should lose. College football does it with the BCS sometimes, they have split championships. So we feel we should be able to do it here. We're going to just add in a second championship that already has Boston and LA scheduled in it. Then they can play the series everyone wants to see. Kobe against KG, Paul Pierce against...whoever else is on Kobe's team. Whoever gets to the other final out of this riffraff that is left can go at each other in a single game, no sense in making people watch more than one game of that. We can't afford to put them in their home courts for that though, but there are a few high school gyms that have offered themselves up for whoever makes it. We don't know if it will be on TV yet, but cable channels Versus and TV Land have both agreed to show the game, as long as it can be aired after 1:00 AM."

There is trouble in Miami today as a story broke that late last night a fight erupted between the Miami Heat and team President Pat Riley. Apparently the Miami Heat had positioned themselves well with the trade of Shaq to be well under the NBA salary cap for next season. But Riley was angry to come home and find that the Heat had spent the rest of their cap money on alcohol and draft lottery tickets, leaving them with nothing to sign free agents with. Police were called to team headquarters where they found Riley with several bruises on his hands, and the Heat crying in a corner of the office with a few cuts and bruises of their own. The Heat say they just fell down the stairs, but the police took Riley into custody anyway.

Riley gave an angry tirade as he was drug away by Miami officers. "You just couldn't resist spending my money could you?! We had the best chance to win the draft lottery already, we didn't need anymore tickets! And what the hell is this booze you bought? Bud Light with Lime? We're not the ####valiers here!"

The Miami Heat say they were in the NBA convenience store when they realized they had a few extra dollars to spend. They decided to pick up a few drinks and some draft lottery scratch off cards in hopes of winning big. "We got some really fun games," said the Heat. "One where you have to scratch off 3 dead cats and you can win an O.J. Mayo. Another where you have to match #### fruit with sticks of dynamite and you can get Tyler Hansbrough. They looked like so much fun, we were going to play them together with Riley. But he just kept...watching us fall down the stairs."

TSC stood by as they scratched off one of the cards and tried their luck. "Oh! Oh! We got 2 dead cats and...a horse pleasuring itself! That means we get a free card! Oh man, this was so worth it! It's too bad Pat couldn't have been here to share in this great win for the franchise."

Paul Pierce and the Boston Celtics seemed just a little more focused than LeBron James last night.

Like O.J. Mayo, Tyler Hansborough, and Michael Beasly, yet another player has declared himself eligible for the upcoming 2008 NBA Draft. But this time it's Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas. The move has stunned basketball GMs around the league as they scramble to update their draft boards to accomodate the superstar. This is the first time an active player has re-entered the draft while currently playing.

Arenas is a 7th year player out of Arizona, and will be by far the oldest in this year's draft. But, a player of his caliber demands consideration by every team, as he has consistently put up 20+ points when healthy with the Wizards. He was originally drafted in 2001 by Golden State. "It's been 7 years, I think I've fulfilled my commitment to the league when they drafted me the first time," said Arenas. "It's time to be drafted again. It was fun, and I think it's the only way I can finally escape these damn Wizards. We just can't beat Lebron. I need out, hopefully a Western Conference team can pick me up or something."

The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.

• 
  Celtics vs. Hawks: Hawks have long been the bane of midgets hailing from Ireland. Their fued dates back to the 1400's, when giant hawks would swoop down and grab them from their fjords because of the attraction to their gold buckle shoes. But these are modern times, and the Celtics have a lot more going for them now. Mainly their having hands, and hence the ability to shoot a firearm, is going to spell trouble for the birds as they can easily be shot out of the sky. I predict a Celtics victory. But if that Hawks want to have a chance they are going to have to go after the Celts only good eye(the right one). They could also get lucky and reap the benefits of a lung cancer diagnosis mid-game due to the Celts love for pipe smoking.
  
  Prediction: Celtics 4-1
  
  
• 
  Pistons vs. 76ers: One of the battles that I have only seen before in my greatest of dreams, car parts against people from the year 1776. I think too much has changed in the past 200 years for the 76ers to be competitive in this series. They are still riding around on horses, wearing those triangle hats, and writing articles of confederacy. Look for the Pistons to drive right over the Sixers while they are in the middle of the street attemtping to draft a declaration of independence.
  
  Prediction: Pistons 4-1
  
  
• 
  Magic vs. Raptors: It's magic versus velociraptors. To get a proper feel for this movie you have to look at the popularity of the two mascots. Raptors were all the rage back in the 90's with the Jurassic Park films, but now it's all about Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord Of The Rings. Magic is everywhere and Orlando is going to tap into this pop culture relevance to put away that red #### wearing oversized dinosaur shoes. Also, it is very tough to maintain good ball control with a three-fingered claw hand. Magic win in a closer one.
  
  Prediction: Magic 4-2
  
  
• 
  Wizards vs. Cavaliers: The magic users take on the men trained in arms and horsemanship. This is also an age-old fued that dates back to the middle ages. Cavaliers nearly drove Wizards to extinction, both in the old war and the last few years in their playoff series. I think it's finally time for the Wiz to strike back. Firstly, look how flexible they are. There is no reason why that pose is even necessary, yet they are doing it. Also, they can levitate a basketball and point at the sun at the same time. That takes skill. Their skills will narrowly overcome that of the Cavs.
  
  Prediction: Wizards 4-3
  

A strange situation happened during this weekend's all-star game when Jason Kidd was traded to the Dallas Mavericks during the middle of the contest. The game, which eventually was won by the east 134-128, was proceeding as usual in the third quarter and the East had just made a steal and a fast break down the court. Ray Allen made a long pass to Dwight Howard and Jason Kidd on the other end of the floor. But just as Howard was about to take the ball up for a dunk, Kidd pulled a gun out of his shorts and aimed it at the slam dunk champion.

"Jason? What are you doing?" asked a confused Howard.

"You always knew it would come to this Dwight," said Kidd, who tore off his jersey to reveal one that said West underneath. "I can't play in this horrible conference forever. Only having one other future hall of famer on my team? I need 5 like every other West team! All you Eastern Conference players knew eventually I would have to turn on you. As Iverson and Shaq have done, I too must betray your inferior conference. Now, give me the ball."

"You won't get away with this Kidd!" said Lebron James. "Wherever you go, we will find you."

"I don't think so fools. I'll be on a team with so many good players you'll never know which one is me," answered Kidd. "The ball! Now!"

Howard handed Kidd the ball and he took it in one hand while keeping the gun fixed on everyone else with the other. "Good, now everyone just back away. Slowly. Keep those hands up!"

"Good luck over there Jason." said Dwight Howard. "But before you go, isn't there one thing you are forgetting?"

Kidd looked at Howard with a smirk. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?"

"That I'm..." Howard ripped off his jersey to reveal a cape and blue tights. "..Superman!" With that Howard grabbed the gun and bent it in half with his bare hands. He then grabbed the ball from Kidd, yelled "It's time to dunk!", and flew out through the roof of the arena. He continued to fly out of the earth's atmosphere to the Sun where he no-look-passed the ball to the Sun, who alley-ooped it, now on fire, back to Howard. He then flew back to earth, into the arena, and slammajammed the flaming ball it into the hoop. The East all-stars then gave a group high five, like at the end of a Charley's Angels episode, and the crowd went wild. Howard then used his x-ray vision to look at the all-star cheerleaders.

"I'll get you next time Howard. I'll get you next time..." said Kidd as he walked off the court with his minions of the West.

Orlando's Dwight Howard takes some time out to have an argument with his left hand. Lebron James is jealous that he and his hand don't have that kind of close relationship anymore.

With the Cleveland Cavaliers' LeBron James sidelined for a fourth straight game with a sprained left index finger, the Washington Wizards took advantage to beat the Cavaliers 105-86 on Wednesday. Washington's past two playoff runs were ended by Cleveland, including a sweep in the first round last spring when the Wizards were without Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler.

But this game was different than the others as the Wizards employed real magic to defeat Cleveland. "I don't know how this happened," said confused forward Drew Gooden after the game. Midway through the 3rd quarter the Wizards turned him into a talking donkey. He was ejected from the game after 5 quick traveling fouls as he tried to dribble with hooves. "I'm a fan of Shrek and all, but this is not as cool as I'd imagined it would be. I keep ####ing nonstop, and this tail keeps whipping me. I can't control it! Can they turn me back now please?"

The Wizards used a variety of tricks to claim victory over the Cavs including making the ball disappear for 5 minutes, sawing Zydrunas Ilgauskas in half, and pulling a rabbit out of the shorts of PG Daniel Gibson. Antawn Jamison spoke about the magic his team performed on the court, "We did some excellent tricks out there tonight, but the crazy thing about the rabbit one is that one wasn't even a trick we practiced. I just felt some animal moving around in his pants when I was guarding him. I'm glad it turned out to be a rabbit, and not just the guy getting aroused by magic tricks."

"Alright, so you may be the best and most popular player in the NBA, but you still aren't big enough to get this ball." -Drew Gooden

"We Tall!" -Zydrunas Ilgauskas

(AP Photo/Marcio Jose Sanchez)

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