The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood. "They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen."

The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks. They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a longtime Detroit resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we all can't get along."

A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured, this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That was where a pack of wild indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown, resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although the city did smell horrible for several weeks.

The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

The Cleveland Browns' Derek Anderson made his first showing in a Pro Bowl after an excellent 2007 season, in which he threw 29 touchdown passes. But it was not a great showing for the first year starter in the game of NFL all-stars, as he completed 10 of 26 passes for 103 yards, no TDs and an interception. Anderson blamed the play of his team, which was not up to the level of quality those he has in Cleveland.

"This team is just a bunch of nobodies," said a frustrated Anderson after the game. "I'm used to playing with some of the greats up there in Cleveland, like Darnell Dinkins and Tim Carter. I don't know why this team signed scrubs like this C. Johnson and T. Gonzalez. But they sure can't catch a ball to save their lives."

When he was picked off in the endzone during the third quarter, he stormed to the sideline and angrily threw down his helmet. "What's up with this line protection? These guys couldn't block for a college team! They're just awful! It's like they've only been playing together for a week or something! The other team gets established superstars like Adrian Peterson and my side gets saddled with unknown garbage like Fred Taylor? Who is this guy and where did he come from?"

The most exciting time of the year is here in the NFL, and I'm of course talking about the NFL NIT Selection. Nothing is better than finding out all the interesting first round matchups for the tournament for teams that weren't quite good enough to make it to the real playoffs. We at TSC are covering the selection show live, and are here with all the first round games and some analysis.

• Cleveland Browns vs. Gardening: The Brownsleftthe stadium Sunday knowing they had an outside shot at the number 6 seed in the AFC. But the Titans disrupted those plans by beating the Colts. While not being able to get that last seed, Romeo Crennel gave his team some actual tomato and sunflower seeds and told them maybe they should take up gardening in the offseason, as football might not be for them.
• Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cincinnati Police Department: These two old rivals will battle it out once again this year. The Bengals managed to avoid any serious offenses this season, but there is still plenty of bad blood between the two. Receiver Chris Henry is especially mad about a domestic abuse arrest last year, something he claims was only because his wife asked him to "Show me what boxing feels like."
• Houston Texans vs. Pink Dancing Elephants: The Houston Texans are going up against those damn pink dancing elephants from Disney's Fantasia. Because the Texans are obviously living in Fantasia if they thought they had a chance at the playoffs with Sage Rosenfels at the helm.
• Philadelphia Eagles vs. Mark Wahlberg: Philly will face off with their acting equivalent in Mark Wahlberg. If you saw him in his band Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch, you probably thought he sucked, but if you see him now in movies like The Departed, you say "Hey! He's pretty good after all!" That is probably also what you are saying now about the Eagles, despite them looking like carmelized dog #### only 4 weeks ago.
• Minnesota Vikings vs. Killer Robots: This matchup makes no sense whatsoever, it would just be cool to see Vikings fight killer robots. It may be too cool actually. I don't know if we would be able to handle it.
  
• Arizona Cardinals vs. Rob Schneider: The Arizona Cardinals are opposing that Rob Schneider character from the Adam Sandler movies who yells "You can do it!" and "We suck again!" which is pretty much the embodiment of every Cardinals fan. Also it's been about as long since Rob Schneider has been funny as it's been since the Cardinals have had an even decent team.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary, almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
• The David Carr era begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
• If the NFL were a carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The San Diego Chargers.
• How many commercials must there be of enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
• I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
• Tom Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this year than last.
• Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god that line is back.
  
• There are a lot of ads for anti-balding products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
• First place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play in the AFC West.
• Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
• Maurice Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10 yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
• What was the first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20 years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)

Adrian Peterson set a new NFL single game rushing record on Sunday with a 296 yard, 3 TD effort against San Diego. He broke Jamal Lewis' old record of 295 set in 2003. Ironically Lewis now plays for the team he set the record against, the Cleveland Browns.

"If you can't beat em, make them your starting running back," said a Browns spokesperson earlier this offseason. "It's a saying that has gone back centuries. Napoleon, of course, tried to make Russia his starting running back, only to have them go over the salary cap and force him into exile on Elba. We think this will work out better for us than that. Jamal Lewis will cost us about 3 dollars in salary cap space due to the fact he is like 82 years old and nobody else wants him."

Jamal Lewis had quite a day on Sunday gaining a staggering 37 yards on 20 carries. If he were given the amount of carries needed at that pace to get 296 yards, he would have to had been given the ball 160 times. That would be quite a record in itself.

SportsComedian.com>

After the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns both won again on Sunday and moved closer to first place in their divisions, President George Bush ordered the United States Government to conduct an immediate investigation into whether or not the country is actually currently in The Twilight Zone. The order was handed down just hours after the President finished watching a Twilight Zone marathon on Nick At Nite, and flipped over to check the late scores on SportsCenter.

"I've seen what happens in this Twilight Zone, and from what I can see, it is the only possible explanation for how these two teams could still be winning," Bush said in a press conference. "Also, how are the Patriots and Colts so far above everybody else? 33 TDs and 4 picks? Those numbers are more insane than the estimates I made up about the budget for the Iraq War. I am convinced that we are all currently trapped in The Twilight Zone."

When asked what the investigation would entail, the President referred questions to the Director Of Twilight Zone Investigations, or DOTZI for short, Mr. Thomas Dotzi. "Well, let me start off by saying that I never thought I'd have to actually do anything in this position. I just applied for the job because the acronym was the same as my last name. But now that we have an investigation under way we're going to conduct some very expensive tests to see whether or not we are indeed trapped in the Twilight Zone. We're going to have to see if we're in black and white, whether we pause for commercial breaks, and if we have a strange narrator introducing us to viewers."

DOTZI Thomas Dotzi followed up, "Of course, the tests will mean nothing because if we are indeed in the Twilight Zone, because in the Twilight Zone anything could happen. The President could really be an alien or we could all have melted mozzarella cheese instead of blood. So, these tests will probably go nowhere. But one thing is for certain, they will cost a lot of money."

President Bush interjected, "Alright everyone that's conbogar for this pressconference."

"But Mr. President, conbogar is not a word!"

"It is on Mars."

At that point President Bush was taken from the room and the press was ushered out.

SportsComedian.com

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• My fantasy team may be going to hell, but I'm sure glad I stayed away from Adrian Peterson on draft day. That guy doesn't have what it takes to play on this level.
• This is the week the Cincinnati Bengals get back on track against a bad Kansas City team.
• I think the Dallas defense matches up very well against New England.
• No one would give the uber-annoying Frank Caliendo his own show to showcase his never-ending Madden impersonation. Especially not TBS, because they know funny.
  
• The Cardinals have finally stabilized themselves at quarterback, thank goodness.
• Vinny Testaverde and Jeff Garcia are just too old to get it done in today's NFL.
• Erectile dysfunction pill commercials really know their audience, I am sure there have been many times an old couple was sitting in two seperate bathtubs outside on top of a mountain, and wanting to do it, only to have some ED ruin the fun.
• Whoa! The Miami defense is available in my fantasy free agent pool? And they're playing Cleveland! I've got an easy W this week!
• I think the St. Louis offense is incredibly underrated. Gus Frerotte was great in Washington...10 years ago.
• This is the week Shannon Sharp goes to a vocal coach to correct his nonsensical mumbling speech.