The Miami Dolphins today announced they were hiring Tony Soprano, world renowned television mob boss as their head coach. In his welcoming press conference he announced several odd changes that are unknown at this time if they will help to Dolphins return to respectability.

• Between seasons there will be a two-year break, sometimes longer depending on other programming. Soprano says they may even split up a season and play one half and then take a year break and play the other.
  
• At least one major starter will be whacked each year, this will help keep starting players and the rest of the team on their toes.
• Ricky Williams, until he starts playing well again, will now be called "Big ####y".
• There will not be an actual end to games, and the last 7 minutes instead of deciding the score, will be spent with a slow-motion montage set to the Journey song "Don't Stop Believing"

It's doubtful any of this will help the Dolphins, who last season appeared to be the worst team in the history of football. But it's at least interesting.

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The Miami Times broke a story today about their main sports website editor being found in Mexico with no recollection of how he got there. Bob Thomas, the man in charge of the Miami Times sports section of their website has apparently been missing since mid-September, only nobody noticed. Neither the other Times employees nor the readers noticed that the site had not been updated in months. "We are all quite embarrassed by this incident," said Gerald Hayes, owner of the Times. "But in our defense, how were we to know the site wasn't being updated? The sports landscape here in Miami has been largely unchanged over the past few months, even years. We were actually looking into automating our sports department. We'd just find stories about teams losing and franchises falling apart and replace the names with Miami teams. Marlins, Heat, Dolphins, whatever that hockey team is that plays here. We all suck."

The page in question at the Times website has remained the same for the last several months. It's headline read "Miami Loses Big", with a picture of Trent Green being sacked. But many readers interviewed didn't realized that Trent Green wasn't their quarterback anymore. "Cleo Lemon? That's a real person? That sounds like a character from PeeWee's Playhouse or something. I refuse to believe he's our QB. But I also don't believe the Miami Dolphins are a real team, I think they're just a trick my friend Tom is playing on me," said a Miami resident and Times reader. "I also don't believe in the ocean. I think it's just blue space grass put here long ago by aliens. That's why there are all those weird creatures in it."

Many Miamians are too depressed about their team to even read actual articles about their latest losses. Hence the details about Miami's heartbreaking loss to Washington in overtime during week 1 never clued anyone into the page's outdatedness. The page also featured timeless stories such as "Marlins Dismantling Continues", "Shaq Out Of Shape, Heat In Trouble", and "Miami Hurricanes Underachieve".

Bob Thomas, the man in question, was found in Mexico and had no idea how he got there or what he had been doing. It could be extreme distress over the state of Miami sports, something that was his lively hood. Many Dolphins and Heat season ticket holders have gone missing over the past few weeks, many believe the lack of winning has driven them to the brink of insanity. But he was back at work Monday and updated the site for the first time in months, much to the relief of readers and co-workers. The site now features up-to-date stories such as "Miami Loses Huge","Heat Worst In League", "Trade Of Cabrera Only Beginning Of Marlins Dismantling".

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In one of the most hard-fought games this season, the Miami Dolphins narrowly hung on to lose 13-10 Sunday. They held the lead for most of the day against a Buffalo team whose offensive ineptitude rivaled their own. But in the final second a Rian Lindell kick kept alive the Dolphins chances at a perfect winless season.

"It was a tough one for us," said Miami head coach Cam Cameron. "When we went into that locker room at halftime with a 3-0 lead, I told the boys not to give up. I told them they were worse than this, and to lose to this team they would need to play one of the worst games of their lives. I think the speech really got them iced up."

Disaster almost occurred in the 3rd quarter when a Cleo Lemon pass that was intended for the other team was intercepted by his own team to move them down to the goal line. Soon after Lemon accidentally tripped into the endzone to put his team up big 10-2. "I didn't know what to do at that point. I knew I had possibly just cost my team the season, but I tried to stay positive. I looked up at my daughter on the sideline and saw tears coming from holes she cut on the paperbag mask she has to wear during home games. Then I looked at the logo on my helmet and I said to myself, we are the Dolphins! We can still lose this!"

Miami's Tedd Ginn Jr. returned a kickoff 86 yards for a TD, but luckily another special teams player saw it happening and quickly made a holding penalty to negate it. "I told Tedd he would be riding the bench if he made any more horrible plays like that," said a relieved Cameron after the game.

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The next time Chris Chambers steps into a huddle, his teammates will include LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates and Philip Rivers. "Oh man, it's a pleasure," Chambers said after he was traded from the winless Miami Dolphins to the defending AFC West champion San Diego Chargers just before Tuesday's deadline. "It's going to be very interesting. I can't wait to get out there and help this team win and continue to be successful."

Chambers is expected to join the Chargers at practice on Wednesday. The Chargers, 3-3 and tied for the division lead with Kansas City, have their bye this Sunday. San Diego gave up a 2008 second-round draft pick for Chambers, who will give Rivers a veteran wide receiver to work with and help take the pressure off All-Pros Tomlinson and Gates.

You can almost hear the Captain yelling "Abandon Ship! Abandon ship!" as the S.S. Dolphins sinks further into the sea of suck. Chambers always had potential, and it's good to see him go somewhere he might actually succeed. He now gets to be in the huddle with a bunch of pro-bowlers, instead of an offense that needs nametags to be identified, led by a horrible quarterback who is named after a fruit.

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