After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

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Yet another NBA head coach has been fired this morning in a tumultuous offseason. This time it's the Bob Wallace, coach of the Road Team, who failed to win again twice last night, falling to the Boston Celtics in Boston and the Los Angeles Lakers in California. The Road Team has gone a horrendous 1-19 in the second round of the playoffs, and many road fans were clamoring for a coaching change. This is the first time a team has fired their coach before a playoff series was over, but it wasn't completely unexpected with such an abysmal record.

It's unknown how this will affect the Road Team throughout the rest of the playoffs. "It's going to be very tough," said Chris Paul, whose team will take on San Antonio tonight. "It's hard trying to win on the road in front of a hostile crowd as it is, but now to be without a coach, this is going to be next to impossible." This year's postseason has been a stark contrast to last year's success, where the Road Team took home an NBA championship on Cleveland's home turf. While no exact reason can be pinpointed for the downfall of the champions, many are saying the lack of a home court and a constantly changing roster are to blame. Last night alone they played their two games with completely different lineups, and tonight it will be yet another total overhaul of talent as they acquired stars Chris Paul and David West from the team they lost to earlier in the week.

Despite the poor play of the Road Team, and the fact that they are without a head coach at this time, Steven A. Smith believes they will still make it to the NBA Finals. "This Road Team is just too experienced not to make it there. They have played in every NBA Finals since the inception of them, I would be very surprised if they did not eventually wind up there again. We'll see what happens."

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Kobe Bryant was awarded his first MVP award today after 11 previous seasons of being unable to get the prestigious honor. He was near the top of the NBA in scoring and led a team many considered to not be all that great to the number one seed in a tough western conference. It was a deserved award for the multiple all-star, finally emerging from Shaq's shadow to become the driving force for the Lakers. But it comes at a time just after the other two prime candidates for the award had exceptional nights. Chris Paul, the Hornets point guard, unleashed 30 points and 12 assists in a blowout of the defending champions. But an even greater performance came from the Pistons scoreboard operator, who managed to throw things out of whack at the end of the third quarter so that Detroit could make a last-second 3-pointer.

The Pistons scoreboard operator has had an outstanding season manipulating time itself, and yesterday was another example of just how valuable he is to this team. There were times during the season when a loss seemed absolutely certain, only to have the scoreboard operator put this team on his back and say "Hey, this game isn't over until I say it is. You now have 5 more minutes on that clock. Let's go get it done." Speeches like this helped to motivate the team to come out and beat their confused foes, who had often already begun leaving the court thinking they had won. Many pundits thought his outstanding play, and selection of motivational jumbotron messages such as "D-Fence!", "Let's Go Pistons", and "D-Fence!!!" were perfect this year and worthy of the MVP.

"I feel he got robbed," said the Orlando Magic scoreboard operator, who has been unable to shut down his opponent in the first 2 games. "He's a miestro with the numbers. There is no one else in the sport who can do what he does to cheat other teams out of victories. I look forward to facing him in the rest of this series, hopefully I don't get completely blown away."

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Jason Kidd has been levied with a heavy fine after game 4 of the Mavericks-Hornets series during which the game had to stop for several minutes due to his horrid odor. Apparently Kidd has not changed or washed his jersey since coming over to the Mavs, nor bathed himself, because he does not want to mess up his luck. New Orleans guard Chris Paul complained of the stench coming from the man he was supposed to defend after game one. "This dude smells like assburger," railed Paul following that game. "That is, of course, a hamburger prepared in the #### of a bed-ridden obese man, topped with the cheese-like substance that forms there, and covered in expired mayonnaise."

But NBA officials declined to do anything following game one, as they felt he smelled more like an #### sirloin or perhaps a butt taco. But during game 4, when Kidd went into the lane for a layup and raised his arms, two Hornets players fainted due to the stench. He was assessed a flagrant foul for the incident. Apparently they can be given for either an overly aggressive play or the more underutilized terrible smell.

Play was stopped for several minutes as team officials came out to hose off kid and apply copious amounts of perfume and deodorant spray. Even more embarrassing was the fact that the only cologne they had on hand was Dirk Nowitzki's fragrance called "Fervor". Once his smell was back to acceptable levels after 20 or so minutes, the game was resumed and Dallas went on to fall to New Orleans to trail in the series 3-1. Kidd blames the unlucky new smells for the loss.

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The city of New Orleans was barely left standing after the disaster that was the 2007 Saints season. Standing among the rubble of their homes and businesses, residents huddled together waiting for help to arrive in the form of a free agent or trade, but none came. Every Sunday, the Superdome became a shelter for those wanting to witness the chaos and carnage. But out of this tragedy, the city has rebuilt itself. It has banded together in a way that they have not done in...about a year.

The symbol of this rebuilding and rejuvenation of the city has been the New Orleans Hornets, who now have the best record in the Western Conference. "We are very proud of our team and our city, it shows that we can come back from such an epic disaster. I lost 2 children to that Saints season. I went to get concessions about a minute before halftime, and when I looked up at the scoreboard while in line I saw we had somehow given up two more touchdowns. I decided I couldn't take it anymore and just left, with my kids still in the stands. Damn you god! They were so young!"

The mayor made a speech following the Hornets latest win that allowed them to take over first place from the San Antonio Spurs. "When our city was flooded with the suck of Reggie Bush, I was worried we would never be able to rebuild. I remember rowing a boat through the suck, seeing people on their roofs trying to not let the suck touch them. I, like you, watched all the commercials mocking us, pretending Reggie Bush was a good player. But we persevered, we survived the storm, and now the Hornets are going to carry this city on a magical run to the conference championship, where we will lose to an opponent that is a heavy underdog!"

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