When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

The Cincinnati Bengals breathed a sigh of relief this morning when middle linebacker Odell Thurman was re-instated by the league after missing the last two seasons due to disciplinary suspensions. Having purged many of their troubled players, cutting Chris Henry after his 20th or so arrest, and with Chad Johnson threatening to sit out, the Bengals were facing entering the season without any problem players. "We just didn't know who we were for the past few weeks," said quarterback Carson Palmer. "There were no police showing up at practice, nobody was complaining to the media about how bad we are, this wasn't the Bengals that I knew. I'm glad to have Odell back, and I think he can really make a difference."

While the Bengals rank near the bottom on everyone's power rankings, they are usually near the top of everyone's team distraction rankings. But this season they were threatening to slip on that front too, with most of their problems off of the roster. "Well, we all know we can't play good football," said coach Marvin Lewis. "But at least now we can supply some good drama with a few mid-season arrests, and maybe even a sidelines fights. We've gotten rid of a lot of problem superstars from the past, so it's going to be up to Odell Thurman to carry this team on his back. We're going to need him to pick up the pace this year. Maybe kill a man on the sidelines, smoke a bong on the field, and at least punch me in the face on primetime television. We are counting on him to deliver a whole lot of problems that everyone expects from us Bengals."

ESPN pundits are skeptical that Thurman can carry the team alone with his problems. "I just don't think he has enough help around him to get the job done," said ESPN's Chris Mortenson. "I have word that the Bengals are seaching bars and prisons around the Cincinnati area to get some help for him on the field. They are going to try to surround him with some real trouble-makers so they can be sure they stand a chance at taking home the title of most off-field problems again. Only time will tell if they are able to get it done."

The Cincinnati Bengal's Chris Henry has been arrested once again. Mathematics does not have a number high enough to express how many times he has been arrested to date, but this is yet more legal trouble for the receiver who was suspended for the first half of 2007. This time he is charged with punching an 18-year-old man and breaking his window with a beer bottle. Henry's lawyers were quick to point out the positives of the incident, firstly that the victim was a male this time, and that the beer was an American brew and a lite beer.

Henry also announced that Henry has bought a nice piece of property in the Ohio State Prison to serve as his summer home during all the arrests. "I took a look at some real nice cells," said Henry in a statement outside the prison. "I really wanted something with a nice view of the exercise yard and a mattress that didn't have quite so many urine and sweat stains. I think I got a real good deal on a corner unit, it's got a toilet and everything. Since my arrests are innevitable it's going to be a nice place to relax every summer while I wait to get the game or two in each season that I'm not suspended for."