The Detroit Lions held a special surprise ceremony at halftime of their game against the Chicago Bears on Sunday. A jersey retirement ceremony was announced shortly after the team had gone to the locker room, and the crowd was left in suspense over which famous face from their past would be returning to receive the honor. As the team came back out of the tunnel, William Clay Ford, president of the Lions, called Jon Kitna up to the stage.

"Jon, you have been with this team a few years now," said Ford. "You have had quite a season so far, throwing 5 interceptions in only 4 games, and getting us to a 17-0 deficit in only 1 half of football today. But, today we have made the decision to honor one of the great former Lions players, a punter who wore the number 8 back in 1972. I don't remember his name, but he was with us for almost half that season, and punted a pretty good ball. Not great, but nothing too horrible either. In the name of, whatever his name was, we are retiring the Lions number 8 jersey today!"

Kitna looked stunned as team officials came over and stripped off his shirt, put it on a pulley, and began raising it into the rafters. Kitna grabbed the microphone and asked "But how will I play the second half without a jersey?"

"Oh, I guess you won't be able to," said Ford. "In fact, now that your jersey is retired up there in the stadium, you are going to have to be retired too. That's the rule I'm afraid."

"Can't I just get another shirt? Another number?" asked Kitna.

"No, I'm sorry son. This is the only shirt we are going to let you have. It's best if you'd leave now, we only allow paying fans in the building." Kitna sulked off the field as the crowd loudly cheered a punter they did not remember. "We may not remember this man's name," said Ford. "But he will go down as one of the great Lions of all time, as the man who saved us all from having to watch any more of the quarterbacking of Jon Kitna."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
• With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
• Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
• If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
• Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
• It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
• Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
• The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
• I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
• I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
• The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
• Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Lovie Smith has been fired today by the Chicago Bears for struggling all pre-season to a horrible 0-2 record. This was quite a disappointment for Chicago, who had been favored to do well in the preseason, mainly because they would be playing against backups most of the time instead of real NFL quality players. But their team was devastated by injuries, and they sometimes had to go to 3rd and 4th string players late in games because of it. Starting QB Rex Grossman has passed for a paltry 120 yards on the season, and was benched after only the 1st quarter of some games this year.

"We had hoped to compete for a playoff spot this year," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "But with the preseason half over, and us without a single win, that doesn't leave much time to turn things around. I've been told by the league that we can't make make the playoffs at all no matter what we do in these final two games. But, I don't like to believe that we're playing for nothing, I think these games will matter to getting this team back on track for next year."

"Well, I think we all saw this coming," said a distraught Lovie Smith after hearing the news. "To be winless here at 0-2, with other awful franchises like the Giants and Patriots, it hurts. It hurts this city to be associated with garbage teams like that. I couldn't really settle on my personnel. I think we used 14 different receivers in the last game, that was probably a bad idea. I didn't play some of our really good players. I let my 12 year old son call some plays, because I thought it didn't matter what we did really as long as no one got hurt. But it did matter, we are an embarrassment, and hopefully an interim coach can fix some things and get us turned around."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Hello everyone, I want to announce here my very first video post. You all usually know me for fake sports news I post on here semi-regularly, but below is my first attempt at doing something visual. It's an interview with Brett Favre where he denies being tampered with by the Minnesota Vikings. It's pretty darn funny, in my humble opinion. Try to ignore the shoddy production values and let me know what you think! Be gentle, it's my first attempt....

Despite all the hooplah over Brett Favre's possible return to the team, it's been Green Bay's other quarterback who has impressed coaches so far in training camp. Aaron Rodgers has yet to be sacked, hit, or even touched so far in early pad-less practice sessions.

"Well, I don't want to say that I'm great, but I am doing pretty well so far," said Rodgers to reporters after practice Wednesday. "I don't know how I've managed to avoid every defender so far, but being awesome is just what I do. Even when holding that clipboard, I won the ESPY for most creative clipboard hold for the past 3 years. I mean, everyone has seen some of my innovative holds on YouTube, like 'Upside Down' or 'Hey, This Clipboard Is Sort Of Like A Hat'. That last one I patented. Everything just kind of comes naturally to me, and this quarterbacking thing is no problem. These defenses can't touch me. They even gave me this special red jersey, probably because I'm so awesome they don't want me confused with anyone else here."

"Well, yes, we may have told Aaron he got to wear a special magical jersey," said head coach Mike McCarthy. "He doesn't handle things like the truth very well. We've had to make up elaborate stories every year for why he had to be second string to Brett. We told him footballs were going to be replaced with clipboards by the league soon, and this was the best practice for the future. We told him Brett's family was being held on a speeding bus laden with explosives and if he didn't start that week, Dennis Hopper would blow them all up. I'm surprised that worked every week for a year, but it did. Any time he asked questions we just replaced the excuse with the plot of another Keanu Reeves movie. I mean, when he first got here we tried telling him that he had to actually pay for food in the cafeteria. He went off on one of our assistants about how he should just have things given to him because he was the quarterback and was "totally rad" or something like that. We just gave up then on the whole truth thing."

So with the red jersey, Rodgers continues to evade the defense who has been instructed not to touch or tackle him. "You know, I always thought I may have like an extra heart inside me," continued Rodgers. "But instead of pumping blood like my real one, it just pumps pure awesome throughout my veins. How else would I be able to look so good, and play such good football?"

His teammates are growing tired of his constant taunting about his skills. "If I ever see that #### in a dark alley, I'm going to cut out his "awesome heart" and make him eat it," said one defensive player who asked to remain nameless.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The Brett Favre story took more twists and turns over the weekend as Favre was told by Packers GM Ted Thompson to stay away from their facilities until he could work something out. Favre told Thompson he has until Wednesday to work something out, or he will put in his reinstatement papers to the league. This story has gripped the nation over the past month and a half, with ESPN even launching their new channel, ESPN Favre yesterday. The new channel covers all the latest happenings in the world of Favre with specials, breaking news, interviews, and a nightly broadcast of their flagship program Favrecenter.

Universal Pictures has said to have acquired the rights to the Favre retirement story from Brett himself. Peter Jackson, director of Lord Of The Rings, has said to be signed on to adapt to story into an epic trilogy called "The Favre: Redemption: Battle For Shadow Tundra: This Time It's Personal." Jackson is excited about the project, not only because it is the longest titled movie of all time, but because it is a story with so much drama.

"I see this as one of the great stories of all time," said Jackson. "It's about a battered and worn avenger, who has given his all to his superiors. But then when he wants to come back for another year, after stringing them along for two straight offseasons and handing the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl in overtime, they for some unknown reason tell him no."

"The first film in the TFRBFST3IP saga will be about Favre as a boy, learning the art of quarterbacking from a wise but dangerous dark QB master, exiled from the NFL for throwing a pass so hard it took off a man's head. Brett has to battle the power of dark quarterbacking, to eventually destroy his mentor in a brutal punt, pass, and kick competition. I watched my 7 year old son do one of these last year, and let me tell you, they can get really intense."

"The second film is a story about his rise to power and his reign as King Lord Bishop of Wisconsin. There will be a lot of time spent in his famous ice castle, where he directs the wars against the various continental powers such as the Viking people to the North and the great Bears and Lions to the east. We're thinking up some epic battle scenes for this thing, imagine Chronicles Of Narnia meets Tron."

"The third film will focus on Favre's attempted comeback, and all the events that have happened recently. A young evil prince named Sir Rodgers will attempt to take his kingdom in a vicious coup. From a small village in Mississippi, Brett will attempt to rally the land to his side with the help o####ypsy woman named Gretta Van Sustren. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but we're thinking about a lightsaber duel with the Arch-Demon Ted Thompson in the Training Fortress Of Infinity. This trilogy is going to be a wild ride, that's for sure."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The New York Yankees continued their interleague dominance yesterday with a resounding 23-0 win over the visiting Chicago Bears. The Bears looked confused at times during the contest, with Rex Grossman giving up 8 runs in the first inning and was pulled after the second. "Well, I'm still confident that I'll eventually find some type of ball I can throw well, but it obviously isn't a baseball or football," said Grossman after the contest. "I can really gun a soccer ball well, but apparently that isn't even allowed in that sport. It's a shame."

328-pound Bears shortstop/guard Terrence Metcalf made 4 errors in the game and showed very limited range when pivoting to turn the double play. There was talk after the game of sending him back down to the minors to trim off a few hundred pounds. "Look, I'm not even sure of the rules of this damn game," said Metcalf. "These little guys get to run around in front of me, and they yelled at me the one time I tried to tackle one of them who was rounding second. We also have got to wear these #### long pants with stripes. I hate this sport."

Bears GM Jerry Angelo took time after the game to criticize interleague play, and told MLB to move into the 21st century. The 8th inning was especially lengthy after Brian Urlacher caught a hard hit ball to first, yelled out "Interception!", and then ran around the field with it trying to find the Yankees endzone. Umpires and Yankee players chased him around for 20 minutes trying to explain the situation.

New York has been on a big rebound from their early season struggles since interleague play began, having swept the Red Wings and Grizzlies as well. The Grizzlies series was especially surprising, as it was played at Memphis' home court and home sport. But, it looks like anyone can beat the Grizzlies at this point.

SportsComedian.com

An Illinois federal judge has ruled that the Chicago Bears are legally allowed to terminate the employment of Cedric Benson based on his drunk driving and boating charges. Benson had challenged the team's termination of his contract after two DUI arrests in a month's time. The judge also informed the Bears organization that they are allowed by law to feed him to actual bears in front of the public. Apparently it's a law put on the books by the founders of Illinois who heard about a similar law that originated from the ancient Roman Empire. It stated that any gladiators who were convicted of multiple driving a chariot while under the influence of wine, or 2 DACWHUTIOW's, could be fed to bears, lions, or other vicious animals at the Emperor's choosing in a public forum.

The Chicago Bears organization have announced the ceremony will take place this Saturday at the Chicago Zoo where they will lower Benson into the black bear pit at noon eastern time. He will be basted in a combination of sheep's blood and barbeque sauce before the feeding, and his remains may or may not be cooked and served for lunch depending on how much of him is left afterwards. Animal rights groups are protesting the event, claiming the feeding will no doubt lead to intoxication of the animals due to the usually high blood-alcohol content of Benson.

But most local residents are excited about the opportunity to watch someone, whom they have all hated over the past three seasons for being such a huge bust, be eaten alive by bears. "It's gonna be quite an event," said local Gabe Byrd. "I'm bringing my 2-year-old son to the feeding. It's going to be his first time watching a man get mauled to death by an animal. Wow, I still remember my first time, it's something I consider special to this very day. I made my whole family "I Saw The Bear Eat Benson" t-shirts that we can wear to the event. It's gonna be very cool, and they even said we may get to eat a cooked piece of him afterwards. I hope I can get a piece of his 3.6 yard per carry legs, they sure couldn't do much powering past the line, so I bet that meat is real tender."

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

SportsComedian.com

Discuss this article in the Forum!

Rex Grossman was arrested by police over the weeked for a Hovering Under The Influence charge while speeding on his self-made hovercraft on Lake Travis. The Bears quarterback apparently made the hovercraft in his spare time, instead of practicing as can be evidenced by his stats over the years. It is the first known HUI charge in Illinois, but could spur a crackdown on hovercraft drivers all over the country. Grossman was pulled over by Hover-Police at around 2:00 PM on Sunday, where he was asked to submit to a sobriety test. He refused and attempted to throw a wrench at one of the officers, but luckily overthrew him by a great margin.

"He was swerving all around the lake, going left and right, even up and down," said one of the policemen involved in the stop. "It was obvious he was inebriated, so we told him to hover it over to the side of the road. Once there we attempted to get him to walk in a straight line, but he kept falling over, almost like he does when he's getting some light pressure in the pocket. He then started yelling expletives at us, and we had to spray pepper spray in his eyes. Let me tell you that there was nothing I had wanted to do more than that after he got my hopes up in that Super Bowl two years ago. It just felt so good, and I may have emptied the entire bottle into his eyes, and then hit him with my baton a little bit. It wasn't my best moment as an officer, I will admit."

Grossman maintains he was merely testing the hover capabilites of his craft, and was high on nothing but life. "When you're as awesome as Rex Grossman, you're always drunk on just being so great. This should not be illegal," said Grossman in a released statement sure to illicit much sympathy from the public. It is unknown how the incident will affect the already volatile anti-hovercraft movement led by MADH, Mothers Against Drunk Hovercrafting. What if there had been some young kids heading to their graduation on a hovercraft near the lake that Rex could have plowed into? They are looking to take down what they call is a dangerous and gravity-defying vehicle, and this is more ammunition for their cause.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
• Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
• Unfrozen from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
• Why does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
• Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
• Obviously with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
• Alright Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole lot less hilarious.
• Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises everyone by showing he's not retired.
• Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
• The Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998, although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record is better.
  
• People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large. For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of National Treasure 2.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

In a brutal attack upon the very foundation of America, FedEx Field on Thursday night was the site of two quarterbacks being struck down by their oldest nemesis, ninjas. Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins QB, and Rex Grossman, QB for the Bears, both fell with knee injuries early in the game last night. The culprits responsible for the gruesome injuries are still at large, but they are believed to be ninjas, sworn enemies of quarterbacks.

Many fans and even the announcers did not acknowledge the attacks for what they obviously were, a blatant revenge strike for the famous Hayagoshi Temple invasion of last year. It was during that invasion of the Ninja's sacred home where Tom Brady and Brett Favre led an all-out assault on the complex. Carrying explosive footballs and wearing helmets made of steel, the QB force was able to plant the bombs at the base of the building and bring it down in a pile of rubble. Many bodies were found at the scene, some with football sized holes through their torsos. One ninja was found alive, burned and barely breathing. He vowed the ninjas would have vengeance upon the house of quarterbacks some time in the future.

The attack on Thursday night was carried out with great secrecy as the ninjas slipped in, took out the knees, and then slipped out without ever being seen. Jason Campbell's knee was taken out with a well-placed ninja star, which has to be removed there on the field with much visible pain. It's unknown what was used to injure Grossman, but a pair of nunchucks were found near a concession stand some time later that night. It's strange that the broadcasters did not catch on to the attack, as they have slow motion cameras which could have been used to get a glimpse of the ninjas.

The QB-Ninja fued is one of the oldest in the history of the world. For hundreds of years they have warred with each other in fuedal Japan, fighting over lands and principles. For many years the ninjas held the upper hand, such as the Battle of Okinawa, where an estimated 4000 quarterbacks were killed by the superior ninja forces. Ninjas were always much better with swords and close combat. But due to the advent of the football some 100 years ago, the quarterbacks have been able to win most encounters due to the long range nature of the ball.

The conflict is obviously nowhere near finished, and a warrant is out for the arrest of the ninjas.

SportsComedian.com
Discuss this article in the Forum!

Despite being perhaps the most obvious call in the history of officiating, Bernard Berrian still demands his coach challenge the out-of-bounds ruling. One does not argue with Bernard Berrian.

(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

SportsComedian.com

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary, almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
• The David Carr era begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
• If the NFL were a carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The San Diego Chargers.
• How many commercials must there be of enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
• I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
• Tom Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this year than last.
• Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god that line is back.
  
• There are a lot of ads for anti-balding products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
• First place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play in the AFC West.
• Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
• Maurice Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10 yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
• What was the first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20 years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)

SportsComedian.com