The Atlanta Falcons have awarded Matt Ryan the largest rookie contract in the history of the NFL. The Boston College quarterback, chosen 3rd by Atlanta, will receive close to $1 billion dollars over the next 60 years as well as be named King Lord God Fuhrer of the state of Georgia. "I just don't know how to thank everyone involved in these negotiations. I'm really excited about being the franchise quarterback of the Falcons for the next half century, and I guess I just have one heck of an agent."

Pundits are quick to point out much of Ryan's billion is back-loaded into the last few years of the contract. "It really seems like a lot at this point," said ESPN's Mark Clayton. "But you have to remember that much of this money won't be paid until around the 2064 season when he's 80 years old. It's going to be hard to believe the Falcons won't cut him before then due to the salary cap restrictions, especially when the game shifts from real to just televised 3D Virtual Reality Madden 2064. You know how old people hate video games."

It is believed to be the largest award of land to a football player, topping the previous awarding of the Northwest Territories to CFL player John Avery. Despite being larger geographically than Georgia, the land is in Canada and thus worthless. The population of Georgia is actually happy about Ryan becoming the new fascist head of state. "It can't be much worse than George Bush, that's for sure," said one resident. But there could be opposition to his reign, as his first order to build a giant coliseum where mighty dogs can wage battle against each other, was struck down by the state senate. Ryan does not understand why, but says if they oppose him again they will be thrown into the newly erected dungeon.

When Brett Favre went down in the second quarter with a seperated shoulder and injured elbow, the Packers had to do something they hadn't done in 17 years, find a replacement. Having Brett Favre as their QB has afforded the Packers some luxuries some other teams haven't had to deal with, namely having no backup and not even any trainers. "We didn't know what to do when he hit the turf," said head coach Mike McCarthy. "We haven't had a doctor on staff since I got here. Usually when someone gets injured Brett just goes over and tells them to play through it, and they do."

The confused Packers sent out their punter, who once took a botany class in junior college, to examine Favre as he lay on the field. He proceeded to poke him in different areas while asking "Does this hurt?" until he found out it was the shoulder and elbow that was bothering him. Luckily Favre was able to leave by walking off the field, as the Packers also have no cart to take players away. Brett usually is able to smack them in the face and tell them to "be a man" until they get up on their own.

After that Green Bay faced a tougher problem, how to get a replacement QB, seeing as they don't bother to keep any on the roster due to Favre being unhurtable. They appeared to find along-haired hippy on the street and put him in a fan's custom-made jersey with the last name Rodgers. But, the hippy-pirate played well in relief throwing for 200 yards, 1 TD, and no interceptions.

"I think we're going to actually sign this kid to a contract," said McCarthy. "We may have just found our quarterback of the future. Or maybe just someone who can get us pot and play hackey-sack in the parking lot after practices. Either way, it's a good find."

SportsComedian.com