When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

Rex Grossman was arrested by police over the weeked for a Hovering Under The Influence charge while speeding on his self-made hovercraft on Lake Travis. The Bears quarterback apparently made the hovercraft in his spare time, instead of practicing as can be evidenced by his stats over the years. It is the first known HUI charge in Illinois, but could spur a crackdown on hovercraft drivers all over the country. Grossman was pulled over by Hover-Police at around 2:00 PM on Sunday, where he was asked to submit to a sobriety test. He refused and attempted to throw a wrench at one of the officers, but luckily overthrew him by a great margin.

"He was swerving all around the lake, going left and right, even up and down," said one of the policemen involved in the stop. "It was obvious he was inebriated, so we told him to hover it over to the side of the road. Once there we attempted to get him to walk in a straight line, but he kept falling over, almost like he does when he's getting some light pressure in the pocket. He then started yelling expletives at us, and we had to spray pepper spray in his eyes. Let me tell you that there was nothing I had wanted to do more than that after he got my hopes up in that Super Bowl two years ago. It just felt so good, and I may have emptied the entire bottle into his eyes, and then hit him with my baton a little bit. It wasn't my best moment as an officer, I will admit."

Grossman maintains he was merely testing the hover capabilites of his craft, and was high on nothing but life. "When you're as awesome as Rex Grossman, you're always drunk on just being so great. This should not be illegal," said Grossman in a released statement sure to illicit much sympathy from the public. It is unknown how the incident will affect the already volatile anti-hovercraft movement led by MADH, Mothers Against Drunk Hovercrafting. What if there had been some young kids heading to their graduation on a hovercraft near the lake that Rex could have plowed into? They are looking to take down what they call is a dangerous and gravity-defying vehicle, and this is more ammunition for their cause.