ESPN announced their depth chart for the upcoming season on Monday, and the biggest shock was that longtime Monday Morning quarterback John Clayton has been dropped to 2nd on the depth chart. The move comes as a major surprise to many, who have been fans of Clayton's day after declarations of how he would have done plays differently. But some felt Clayton's skill in correcting late-game decisions was beginning to wane in recent years. "He just didn't have the same fire he used to," said Dave Boggs, a longtime ESPN watcher. "Back in the day Clayton would just tear into coaches. If they got an interception, he'd rip into the coach for daring to throw the ball when they have a guy on the team with hands who can just hold the ball. If a team went for a field goal instead of a touchdown and they ended up losing by 3, he would criticize them for not having a mathematician and a telepath on the sidelines to see into the future. He was brutal."

But many ESPN fans were calling for a Monday Morning QB change last year when, after the Seahawks tried to run it in on a 4th and goal and failed, Clayton did not chastise them for not throwing over the top. Many felt it was a sign of old age, he had lost the spark he had during his prime. Replacing Clayton will be a hotshot rookie MMQB, reporter Rick Engle. Engle impressed viewers during a fill in for Clayton one day last season when he went down with a bad case of the shits. Engle called out the mother of Bengals QB Carson Palmer, after a tough loss to rival Pittburgh, for not realizing back in 1979 when he was being created that she was giving life to someone who can not properly read double strong side coverage.

People called it some of the best Monday Morning Quarterbacking they had seen in 20 years. NFL Live host Chris Berman said in the offseason there would be an open MMQB competition to see who could win the job, and apparently Engle showed them enough to make it official. He will open the season in the NFL Live debut show before the first game. It is offen the toughest show to play MMQB for, as there are not any decisions to second guess in hindsight, with a bird's eye view of the game, and without ever having any actual experience playing or coaching football. It's not an easy position to play, but one Clayton has performed in admirably for years. We'll see how this young rookie does in the Fall.

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Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, has long been a fan favorite for his creative touchdown celebrations and zany sideline antics. But since the end of the 2007 season, fans and teammates have been noticing a change in Johnson for the worse. It was revealed this morning by a group of doctors in the Ohio area that the cause was that Johnson was growing into giant ####. "Well, Chad came to us last week for his annual physical," said Dr. Poling. "He complained of being unable to stop acting like a #### to reporters, telling his team's fans their franchise sucked, and taking giant shits. After a few tests we were able to confirm our su####ions, that he was indeed turning into a great big ####."

Doctors went into emergency surgery with Johnson to help reverse the growing #### on him, and get it back to a more manageable size. "Well, I've always had quite the ####," said Johnson in his first interview since the operation. "But it's never been quite so big. When you just have a little ####, it can be cute or even endearing to people. But when it gets to big, that's when people start getting annoyed and you start smelling like #### I'd like to appologize to everyone I've offended over the past few months demanding a trade and insulting fans and reporters alike. That wasn't the real me, that was my #### talking."

The recovery time from #### surgery should be short. Johnson will begin a rehabilitation program of being put into a room with some teammates and will have to try not insulting them. The time will first be short, maybe only a minute or two, as even a normal person would have trouble not insulting the ability of this Bengals team. But eventually, once he can make it for an hour or so with them, he will be cleared to return to the field. "I'm just glad they caught this thing before it got out of hand. Being a black man I've always been a big ####, I just didn't want to be a big #### as well. Thanks to everyone for helping me get through this."

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The Cincinnati Bengals breathed a sigh of relief this morning when middle linebacker Odell Thurman was re-instated by the league after missing the last two seasons due to disciplinary suspensions. Having purged many of their troubled players, cutting Chris Henry after his 20th or so arrest, and with Chad Johnson threatening to sit out, the Bengals were facing entering the season without any problem players. "We just didn't know who we were for the past few weeks," said quarterback Carson Palmer. "There were no police showing up at practice, nobody was complaining to the media about how bad we are, this wasn't the Bengals that I knew. I'm glad to have Odell back, and I think he can really make a difference."

While the Bengals rank near the bottom on everyone's power rankings, they are usually near the top of everyone's team distraction rankings. But this season they were threatening to slip on that front too, with most of their problems off of the roster. "Well, we all know we can't play good football," said coach Marvin Lewis. "But at least now we can supply some good drama with a few mid-season arrests, and maybe even a sidelines fights. We've gotten rid of a lot of problem superstars from the past, so it's going to be up to Odell Thurman to carry this team on his back. We're going to need him to pick up the pace this year. Maybe kill a man on the sidelines, smoke a bong on the field, and at least punch me in the face on primetime television. We are counting on him to deliver a whole lot of problems that everyone expects from us Bengals."

ESPN pundits are skeptical that Thurman can carry the team alone with his problems. "I just don't think he has enough help around him to get the job done," said ESPN's Chris Mortenson. "I have word that the Bengals are seaching bars and prisons around the Cincinnati area to get some help for him on the field. They are going to try to surround him with some real trouble-makers so they can be sure they stand a chance at taking home the title of most off-field problems again. Only time will tell if they are able to get it done."

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The Cincinnati Bengal's Chris Henry has been arrested once again. Mathematics does not have a number high enough to express how many times he has been arrested to date, but this is yet more legal trouble for the receiver who was suspended for the first half of 2007. This time he is charged with punching an 18-year-old man and breaking his window with a beer bottle. Henry's lawyers were quick to point out the positives of the incident, firstly that the victim was a male this time, and that the beer was an American brew and a lite beer.

Henry also announced that Henry has bought a nice piece of property in the Ohio State Prison to serve as his summer home during all the arrests. "I took a look at some real nice cells," said Henry in a statement outside the prison. "I really wanted something with a nice view of the exercise yard and a mattress that didn't have quite so many urine and sweat stains. I think I got a real good deal on a corner unit, it's got a toilet and everything. Since my arrests are innevitable it's going to be a nice place to relax every summer while I wait to get the game or two in each season that I'm not suspended for."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• While McNabb may be up and down with his on-the-field play during his career, at least he remains healthy every season.
• Carson Palmer is going to go crazy this week in Arizona, and has vowed to throw 4 TD passes, but he did not specify to which team.
• The Miami Dolphins humiliation tour will end with a stop in Philadelphia. There is no way they can lose to ex-Dolphin bust A.J. Feeley. They've already fallen to former busts Daunte Culpepper and Sage Rosenfels. If they can somehow add a game with Chicago, they can complete the gauntlet by losing one the Brian Griese as well.
• I wish I had a job where I drew on a whiteboard all day, illustrating shipping procedures like that guy on the UPS commercials. He doesn't have a care in the world obviously, as he has grown a mullet the size of which hasn't been seen North of Georgia. That's not just a mullet, that's a mullet with UPS.
• Sometimes a wide receiver throws a pass on a trick play, sometimes it happens twice in a game, but hardly ever do their 2 passes look better than every complete game thrown by your starters the entire season. Vikings, please tell me your QB coach is not making more than $5 dollars per week.
• NBC Execs- "We have chosen the one game that will be kept close against New England for the rest of the season! Glad we moved the game to tonight, these will be some great ratings!"
• Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are about done in their careers. There isn't too much left in the tank.
• The secret behind that Verizon Wireless commercial where the dad with way too gray hair tells everyone in his family they are his number one while being a general #### and wearing a sweater vest: That crowd outside his house is not his "network", they are lynching mob who've assembled to kill him for being annoying beyond description.
• When you can lose your first 8 games and still have a shot at winning the division or you can be the Denver Broncos and be in first place, you aren't playing in real divisions. Can we separate the west from the rest of the United States so they can have their own league of crappiness?
• Reasons I'm picking Detroit and New Orleans to go far in the post-season: they can really put some points on the board.
• In case anyone hasn't heard, and if so where have you been, under a rock or something? The McRib is back! Despite McDonald's announcing last year they were having a farewell tour for the sandwich and it will never return, it is here once again. I, of course, was camped outside a McDonald's the night before waiting for it to open so I could get the first one. I then learned the McDonald's was open 24-hours. Damn it. So where has the McRib been all this time? Maybe visiting Germany, the one place where it is sold year round, which means Germany is the closest approximation to Heaven on earth.