The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

A source close to Bill Parcells has informed TSC that Cam Cameron has been dismissed as coach of Miami today. Though names like Bill Cowher and Jason Garrett have been tossed around by other media outlets, TSC has learned that Parcells, never one to go conventional, plans to name his lucky Magic 8-ball the Dolphins next head coach. According to the source, its his lucky charm that he’s had since he was a kid, and its helped him through a lot of tough decisions in his career. And honestly, he thinks the Dolphins have a better shot of winning by relying on the wisdom of a cheap plastic toy than relying on Cam Cameron.

TSC was able to gain an exclusive interview with the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins and the first toy coach in league history:

TSC: “Bill Parcells has not wasted any time in making changes since being hired to run the Dolphins and fans are expecting immediate improvement. Do you think you will be able to live up to their expectations?”

Coach 8-Ball: “You May Rely On It”

TSC: “Wow, that’s a pretty confident response for someone with absolutely zero coaching experience. That must mean you think Coach Cameron is a complete ####?”

Coach 8-Ball: “It Is Certain”

TSC: Well alright then. Coach, this year the Dolphins started Trent Green and Cleo Lemon at QB, don’t those guys sound more like characters in the Clue board game?

Coach 8-Ball: “Signs Point to Yes”

TSC: I take it that means you’ll be heading in a different direction at QB, is it possible the Dolphins will go after Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Concentrate and Ask Again”

TSC: Um. . .okay. . .will the Dolphins try to sign Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Reply Hazy, Try Again”

TSC: Maybe we'll just move on. Some fans are hoping that the Dolphins will draft RB Darrin McFadden with the first pick, your thoughts?

Coach 8-Ball: “Outlook Not So Good”

TSC: So that means you’re going defense and Glen Dorsey?

Coach 8-Ball: “Don't Count On It”

TSC: “So will you entertain offers to trade away the first pick?”

Coach 8-Ball: “Better Not Tell You Now”

TSC: “Alright, well this interview is getting a little weird frankly, so let me just ask you in closing, what can you say to Dolphin fans everywhere who are expecting to make a playoff run in 2008?”

Coach 8-Ball: “My Sources Say No.”

In one of the most hard-fought games this season, the Miami Dolphins narrowly hung on to lose 13-10 Sunday. They held the lead for most of the day against a Buffalo team whose offensive ineptitude rivaled their own. But in the final second a Rian Lindell kick kept alive the Dolphins chances at a perfect winless season.

"It was a tough one for us," said Miami head coach Cam Cameron. "When we went into that locker room at halftime with a 3-0 lead, I told the boys not to give up. I told them they were worse than this, and to lose to this team they would need to play one of the worst games of their lives. I think the speech really got them iced up."

Disaster almost occurred in the 3rd quarter when a Cleo Lemon pass that was intended for the other team was intercepted by his own team to move them down to the goal line. Soon after Lemon accidentally tripped into the endzone to put his team up big 10-2. "I didn't know what to do at that point. I knew I had possibly just cost my team the season, but I tried to stay positive. I looked up at my daughter on the sideline and saw tears coming from holes she cut on the paperbag mask she has to wear during home games. Then I looked at the logo on my helmet and I said to myself, we are the Dolphins! We can still lose this!"

Miami's Tedd Ginn Jr. returned a kickoff 86 yards for a TD, but luckily another special teams player saw it happening and quickly made a holding penalty to negate it. "I told Tedd he would be riding the bench if he made any more horrible plays like that," said a relieved Cameron after the game.

SportsComedian.com

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The high-octane, fast paced, non-sloppy version of football we play here in America will capture the attention of Europe after this exhibition game. We don't kick balls here, we throw them long into the endzone! (Actual Offensive Tally Sunday: 3 FGs, 2 PATs, 1 Passing TD)
• The Patriots finally come up against a good passing defense this week. Look for trips to the endzone to be scarce for New England.
• If you trust you take financial investing advice from cartoon people, then you should put your money with Charles Shwab. Apparently they all do.
• Once the Jets make the change to Kellen Clemens they will benefit immensely from his accuracy and mistake-free play.
• Why is nobody starting Brooks Bollinger? His name is Brooks Bollinger!
• After years of Subway serving subs with so little meat even vegetarians will eat them, of using veggies that taste like wet pieces of slime, of serving "fresh-baked" bread that makes you long for Wonder brand. Subway is now giving soup the same wonderful treatment. Stop in today!
• The Bengals don't suck!(My most inaccurate day-too-late prediction of all time)
• Now that Trent Edwards is solidified as the Buffalo starter, they can finally get some consistency at the QB position.
• The Dolphins were dumb to trade Daunte Culpepper, he will continue to light it up for Oakland and put all kinds of points on the board.
• The Geico Gecko's accent keeps getting progressively more British. Pretty soon their commercials will sound like "When you're done snogging in your car, be sure to check the bonnet and see if your cherry could use some more petrol. My! I'm feeling a wee bit knackered, I better hit the loo before I get all mingered. Oh yes, also save some quid with Geico."
• I finally unloaded Drew Brees on some unsuspecting sap in my fantasy league! I got Matt Schaub in return! How do you spell Victory?
• With McNabb sucking up the field, it's going to be Brian Westbrook's high yards per carry that will lead the Eagles to a win this week.

Two victories in three games earned Buffalo Bills rookie quarterback Trent Edwards the starting job, and sent J.P. Losman to a familiar place -- the bench. Coach #### Jauron made the announcement on Tuesday in a two-paragraph statement issued by the team as the Bills (2-4) prepare to travel to play the New York Jets on Sunday.

"We are naming Trent Edwards as our starting quarterback," Jauron said, noting he had informed Edwards and Losman of his decision.

This ended weeks of speculation among the two remaining fans in Buffalo who care about this year's team and the starting quarterback situation. It is possible that if there is life on the planet Saturn, they would be Bills fans at this point in time. This would be due to the fact the broadcast waves of the Bills multiple Super Bowl runs of 15 years ago would finally be reaching Saturn about now. So somewhere out there, perhaps someone does care about the Bills.

In a related note, the Bills are exploring playing one home game per year in Toronto, due to waning fan interest in Buffalo. They might start next year with an exhibition game.