By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

On the day former Senator George Mitchell publicly released his report on the extent of steroid use in Major League Baseball, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig held a press conference to address Mitchell’s findings and to answer his critics about his ability to create an effective policy going forward:

“I know you’re all anxious to hear my thoughts on Mr. Mitchell’s findings. In an effort to be completely forthright, I need to tell you that I have not exactly read the entire report...completely...in its entirety...at all, just yet. But, I totally plan on getting to it as soon as I can. See, I knew the report was being delivered to my office sometime Tuesday afternoon and I had planned on getting the whole thing read that night. But then some people from the office talked me into going out for a few drinks just to take the edge off. So I went out, and a few drinks led to a few more and before I knew it, it was Wednesday morning and I was waking up with one hell of a hangover and a mean case of the runs.

Even though I felt like death, I managed to drag myself into the office after lunch, knowing that I still had most of the day to knock it out before I had to issue any comments. But when I pulled the report out, I saw the damn thing was over 400 pages long, and only a few of the pages had any pictures. I started reading, but I was having a hard time focusing due to my pounding headache and the fact that the report isn’t exactly what I would call a riveting page-turner. Anyway, by 5 p.m. on Wednesday it was clear that it was going to be hard to get the whole thing read, so I sent my assistant down to the book store on the corner to see if they had any cliff's notes on it or even if there was a movie out yet.. When she came back empty-handed, I knew I was in deep #### ####, but thought I could still be okay if I just pulled an all-nighter and came straight to the press conference.

Well, I made it here, but unfortunately the all-nighter didn’t happen. The guys down the hall from me were holding a Madden NFL ‘07 tournament on Wii and since I kick major butt at that game, I had to get in. Long story short, I won the tournament, but I just didn’t get to the report. I’m really sorry that I haven’t personally read it. I wanted to read it, and I definitely plan on getting around to it very soon. I hope this doesn’t change your opinion of me and my ability to handle these steroid issues. I will certainly act on this report, as soon I read it. Which I plan to get to as soon as I am done reading the final Harry Potter novel.”

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The Mitchell Report, an in-depth investigation into baseball's steroids problem, has finally come out and with it the names of those who have taken illegal substances over the years. Most of the major names you have suspected are in there; Bonds, Canseco, Segui. But some are rather surprising reveals such as 177-pound David Eckstein, action star Sylvester Stallone, Bud Selig himself, John F. Kennedy, and even you.

"I don't know what has happened here," said a confused David Eckstein, from the wheelchair he is confined to during the offseason due to being too weak to support his own weight. "I've averaged 2 homers per year. I can barely hit the ball out of the infield. These accusations are ridiculous. If I've taken steroids they must've been the most ineffective ones in history."

The most confusing addition to the list is you, who has never played pro ball, only watched it on TV. It is unknown who outed you, or what Mitchell will do to you. But it's advised that you flee the U.S. to an undeveloped South American country as soon as possible. You were unavailable to be reached for comment.

Below is a transcript from a press conference held by Senator George Mitchell, the man behind the report:

"What we wanted to do was get everyone associated with baseball. This is quite possibly the most in-depth investigation of all time, and our list reflects that in an attempt to completely stop steroids." -Mitchell

"But sir, why is Sly Stallone on the list, he has never even played baseball." -Reporter

"Sure he did, in that movie where the wacky, offbeat, underdog team conquers adversity and learns to play together to beat the bigger meaner team at the end in a close game that comes down to the last play." -Mitchell

"Major League?" -Reporter

"Yeah, that's the one!" -Mitchell

"I think that's the black guy from the show '24' actually." -Reporter

"You're asking a lot of questions. You sound like you might be a communist...I mean steroids abuser too. Bud Selig questioned my list when I first gave it to him, and it just so turns out that he has been injecting himself with HGH to improve his power numbers at the winter meetings. You don't want to share the same fate, do you?" -Mitchell

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