When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

Brett Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to, this arm still is ready to throw."

Favre is so eager to help out should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game, just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that #### Maybe you locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."

The hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in need of one than us."

Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1. Thank you."

When Brett Favre went down in the second quarter with a seperated shoulder and injured elbow, the Packers had to do something they hadn't done in 17 years, find a replacement. Having Brett Favre as their QB has afforded the Packers some luxuries some other teams haven't had to deal with, namely having no backup and not even any trainers. "We didn't know what to do when he hit the turf," said head coach Mike McCarthy. "We haven't had a doctor on staff since I got here. Usually when someone gets injured Brett just goes over and tells them to play through it, and they do."

The confused Packers sent out their punter, who once took a botany class in junior college, to examine Favre as he lay on the field. He proceeded to poke him in different areas while asking "Does this hurt?" until he found out it was the shoulder and elbow that was bothering him. Luckily Favre was able to leave by walking off the field, as the Packers also have no cart to take players away. Brett usually is able to smack them in the face and tell them to "be a man" until they get up on their own.

After that Green Bay faced a tougher problem, how to get a replacement QB, seeing as they don't bother to keep any on the roster due to Favre being unhurtable. They appeared to find along-haired hippy on the street and put him in a fan's custom-made jersey with the last name Rodgers. But, the hippy-pirate played well in relief throwing for 200 yards, 1 TD, and no interceptions.

"I think we're going to actually sign this kid to a contract," said McCarthy. "We may have just found our quarterback of the future. Or maybe just someone who can get us pot and play hackey-sack in the parking lot after practices. Either way, it's a good find."

SportsComedian.com

We needed an excuse to run this picture of Terrell Owens having sex with the ground, and now we have it. Tonight will be the epic matchup of the only two teams in the NFC who have played well enough to be called good, and the game will be shown only to a very few number of people due to it being on the NFL Network. We have investigated the issue, and the only people who actually get the NFL network are subscribers of Makarikicast Cable in ####ladesh. The reason for this are the high prices the NFL wants to charge American cable carriers to put the channel in its basic lineup, along with a few other demands, which the league feels are justified.

"We have asked for a few simple things from cable companies here in the US, and they refuse to budge," said an NFL spokesman. "We want 76 cents per subscriber, which we feel is reasonable. Plus we asked that they let us have the first night with any of their wives immediately after marriage. Also, we want yearly donations of corn and other crops from their harvests. But for some reason they don't want to budge."

If you really want to see the game tonight you will have to book a ticket to a ####ladeshian sports bar and hope there is no cricket being played. The league spokesman elaborated, "Our fans in ####ladesh are some of the most loyal and devoted ones out there. What better game to show them than America's Team vs America's Favorite QB? It's really a tribute to the ####ladeshian spirit. Who would want to watch this game here in the States anyway? Maybe now all of you who are complaining about this game can take up a hobby such as whittling, or maybe go out and look in to trading your truck in for one of those adorable Volkswagon Bugs."

SportsComedian.com

Although old enough to start appearing in Viagra commercials, Brett Favre has yet to do so. Throwing an 82 yard TD pass in overtime on Monday Night Football probably keeps the parts working.

(AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

SportsComedian.com