I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• If the Bengals can keep it close against Pittsburgh, they just might find a way to sneak ahead in the 4th quarter.
• Peyton Manning sometimes confused the colors green and white, as they are incredibly similar, but I don't see this becoming a problem on Sunday.
• The Cowboys sure have a lot of problems heading into this week, good thing they play an offense as inept as the Rams. Boy was firing Scott Linehan a mistake...
• CDW Advertising Meeting: "What if we have this #### guy in a Hawaiian shirt ordering office supplies, on one of those douchey bluetooth headsets, for a high tech business he just set up on a desert island, all the while a #### is making noises in the background?" -Tom
  "That sounds like the worst idea ever, Tom. That is, unless we were really drunk." -Frank
  "We work at CDW Frank, I think it's a certainty we will be." -Tom
• Watch out for New Orleans, they can run up the score on you pretty quick.
• I feel sorry for the people who have to watch the horrid offenses in the Vikings-Bears game. Snore...
• Dear Geico, we all thought your caveman ad was hilarious back in 2004 when we first saw it. Doing 18 further versions of the same joke and attempting to spin it off into a television series was a bit too much. You need to retire this campaign now. The only show I wanted to see less than yours was the wacky sitcom featuring that guy with the mullet who draws things on a whiteboard for UPS.
• Derek Anderson is back in a big way, I can finally wear his jersey out in public without being laughed at again!
• When the moment is right, be ready to hold hands and smile at each other, with Cialis.
• Well, Kansas City hasn't shown much this season, but they do have some very good rushing defense.
• And a bonus day too late prediction: There is no way the Tampa Bay Rays are getting to the World Series after blowing their huge early lead in this series.

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President Bush addressed the nation Tuesday night around midnight, as the horrifying news had reached most of the population. "My fellow Americans," began the President. "By now you have all heard, it appears we are headed for one of the biggest disasters in the history of our great nation. We are on the brink of horrifically boring Rays-Phillies World Series. I want everyone to stay calm in this difficult time. I know all of you want to see teams with players who you don't need to have turn around so you know their names. You want to see what kind of excitement would happen if Joe Torre and Manny Ramirez were to return to Boston. But, it's looking like that is not going to happen now. We thought it couldn't get worse than the Rockies last year, but apparently it can. But, we are going to be strong, and face this World Series together, as one people."

When news of the Rays-Phillies merger were made public, the stock market took a nosedive. People began taking all their money out of FOX and MLB and putting it into sports like the NFL and preseason NBA, stuff people will still care about next week.

Even the presidential candidates began preparing bailout plans in case this disaster comes to fruition. Obama proposed airing a consolation World Series between the Red Sox and Dodgers, which would just happen to take place on FOX at the same dates and times. The actual World Series would be bumped to ESPN Deportes Dos. McCain called the plan reckless, and said he would pour public funds into lucrative time travel research. With it, he would go one year into the future, tape the 2009 World Series on his Tivo, and bring it back here for the nation the watch. Obama responded by saying we can not sacrifice our children's future World Series to save this one.

All around the country people have been stocking up on canned goods, chips, and snack cakes; food to eat while bored. One New Jersey man has built an entire World Series shelter underground for his family to go into, should this one happen. "I won't allow them to be exposed to such high levels of boring during that week," said the man. "Who knows what could happen with us not caring so much about these games. We might switch over to one of those CSI spinoffs or something. I can't allow that to happen."

The water cooler business has been one of the hardest hit, with sales down 70% for next week. "People in offices everyone are afraid to go get water," said a spokesman for Culligan. "When they get there, what could they possibly talk about? Did you see that hockey game last night? Please, that's crazy talk. It will just be too awkward. We have advised hospitals around the country to prepare for an influx of dehydration cases in emergency rooms. This World Series could have dire consequences on every aspect of our society."

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With all the excitement about the Tampa Bay Rays being within one win of the World Series, one of our intrepid TSC reporters was able to catch up with big contributor Carl Crawford after their big win on Tuesday. He was surprisingly sports cliche-free in describing his team's accomplishment. "Wow, I'm just so glad this game is over," said Crawford. "You think that was boring for the Boston fans in attendance? Man, you should have been us out there on that field. It was hard to stay awake out there. When I got my 5th hit of the night, I just looked around and thought, do I really have to run around these bases again?"

"I mean, this was a game we didn't really have to win. We would have still been in this thing even losing a couple in Boston. Everyone has really been believing in us all season, and all the media has given us a lot of respect, so it was kind of obvious we were gonna win this thing. But, I can take most of the credit for this win, I did have 5 hits after all. Sure, I have some teammates out there, but it wasn't really a team effort, I did most of the work. I'm just proud of the rest of the guys, though. Everyone went out there and gave it a good 60%. But I really put in about 65%, and that was the difference in why we won."

"Now we're up 3-1, and this series is pretty much over already. We just have to come out tomorrow and finish it off, but if we don't we still have 2 more chances. I think the biggest credit for our winning goes to the fact that we go out there and leave, not all of it, but a good portion of it out on the field. You still need to save some of "it" for the after victory party. After all, the champagne isn't going to pour itself over the stripper's breasts..."

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Gossip magazine TMZ broke the story today that the Boston Red Sox were seen on the town last night with a new hot young rivalry. Little is known about the new rivalry, as details from the scene were sketchy. But word has it that the Red Sox were seen partying it up in St. Petersburg with the Tampa Bay Rays until early in the morning. The New York Yankees, the rivalry the Red Sox have been married to for the past 100 years, had no comment on the report. "We don't respond to tabloid rumors," said one Yankees spokesman.

Indeed it has been bad times lately for one of Hollywood's oldest rivalries. At times this year, it seemed as if both teams just didn't have the same spark they used to have for each other, with the Yankees especially seeming disinterested in both the Red Sox, and winning. It's no wonder the Red Sox are now out on the town with the hot young Rays, who had been flirting with Boston all season. Fights, close games, and home sweeps, all left fans in the audience wondering just when these two teams would just get a room already.

Apparently they have, with the Red Sox PR director saying, "Look, we have had a great rivalry with the Yankees. We still love each other, but we've just grown apart over the last few months. We've continued to keep ourselves in great shape, while they have started to look like the Baltimore Orioles. It's disgusting, and we needed some time apart. We're not saying our rivalry is over forever, we're just gonna give this Tampa Bay thing a shot, see where it goes. We have a lot in common, and we just need to see for ourselves if maybe they would make a better rivalry. If we were meant to be, we will be again. Goodbye New York. Goodbye."

An angry Hank Steinbrenner said "Those young Tampa Bay sluts think they can break up our rivalry just because they had a couple years of sound salary management and smart pitching trades! We have worked for a century to build this rivalry up, and they can't just come in here and tear it down in a season! We'll be back together before you know it!"

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TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the TSC Keys To Victory:

• Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire than that, they have one of the ####est looking mascots in all of sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Los Angeles Dodgers: They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the beast, and be able to take home a World Series.
  
  
  
• Chicago Cubs: The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off your shoulders.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Milwaukee Brewers: They have always been one of the most professional and respected organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog, bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values. There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.

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As Yankee Stadium saw its last professional baseball game played in it on Sunday, ESPN provided in-depth coverage of the game with the Orioles and their tribute to Yankees legends of the past and present. For sports fans, there is no more historic venue than the 85 year old monument to baseball. Therefore, many people at home who could not make it out to the final game saluted the stadium by flipping over to the ceremonies during a commercial break in the Packers-Cowboys Sunday Night Football game.

"When I was watching their video showcasing the many hall of famers who had graced that field, I couldn't help but get goosebumps," said Marty Klein, a sports fan from Buffalo. "But then I realized my two and a half minutes were up, so I had to change the channel back to the awesome early season football contest taking place. I've got the Green Bay running back on my fantasy team! I can't miss this thing!"

"I actually planned ahead, because I'm such a big Yankees fan in addition to my love of the Cowboys," said another fan, Dan Green. "So I Tivo'd the baseball game to watch after football. But then my Tivo alerted me that there was a brand new Desperate Housewives that overlapped the first hour, so I picked that instead. Then after that there was a great 30 minute infomercial on a potato peeling device called the Rotato. Then after that the game was half over, so I really wanted to record the rest, but I decided to tape just whatever was on The Weather Channel instead for 3 hours. Just in case some really cool weather came on out of nowhere, I couldn't risk it. But man, I love Yankee Stadium."

Some other fans planned to turn to the game during a commercial break, or even for the 15 minutes at halftime, but got distracted on the way up the channels from NBC to ESPN by the Emmys and a rerun of Frasier. One fan who suffered such a channel changing fate opined, "I will always have a special place in my heart for the original Yankee Stadium, and also that episode where Frasier and his father get trapped in an elevator together."

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Aaron Brown, a man from Des Moines, Iowa has drawn the ire of his closest friends by declaring his allegiance to Azerbaijan for the Olympics. Brown, a huge fan of the Celtics, Giants, Red Sox, and Red Wings says his latest decision was not made because of his tendancy to bandwagon around winning teams. His friends say Brown showed up at their house to watch the night's olympic coverage wearing a Tampa Bay Rays hat and a white t-shirt that had "Baijan 4 Life" written on it in Sharpie, shortly after it was announced they had won a gold medal in Judo. His friends called him a traitor for turning on their own country. "Look," said Brown. "I have always been a huge fan of under 73 kilogram men's judo. That's always been the one event at the Olympics I root for, everyone knows that. My team won, and I'm going to support them. I know a lot about the country. They eat bread and meat, their favorite things to do are activities, and they spend about 1/3 of their time sleeping. It's a great place, doesn't that sound like somewhere you want to live?"


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Multiple Felon Manuel Vargas was found not guilty on Wednesday by a California judge. Vargas, who has served prison time twice in the past for both attempted murder and selling narcotics, was extremely happy with the news. His lawyer cited rarely utilized defense in Federal court known as the "Manny Being Manny Defense" to refute the current rape allegations leveraged against him by the District Attorney.

"Look, these kinds of things are just what Manny does," said the lawyer in a courtroom transcript. "He gets a bad wrap sometimes, but he's just having fun out there. Raping, dealing, killing, yeah he does all that. But he does it with a smile on his face! Everyone knows now, that's just Manny being Manny!"

The victim recounted the horrible crime, and even told of Manny turning around to give a passer-by a high-five during the rape. But this did little to sway the judge, who ordered Vargas to be cleared of all charges. He said the high five was just another "Signature Manny Moment" and looked forward to more hilarious crimes in the future. After the verdict was read, Vargas pulled out a knife from his pocket and stabbed the bailiff in the chest, laughing as he did. The small crowd in attendance chuckled together and said in unison, "that's our Manny!"

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Tampa Bay Rays pitcher James Shields takes a swing at the human embodiment of the awful chocolate-flavored cereal his mom used to make him eat every morning, Coco Crisp.

(AP)

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The Detroit Tigers have gone back into a slump after seemingly breaking out of it, losing their last 4 games including being unable to overcome a wildly off-target Daisuke Matsuzaka yesterday. Manager Jim Leyland has vowed big changes to the roster and the lineup in the coming days in hopes of breaking his team out of their offensive funk. His first move was designating veteran outfielder Jacque Jones for assignment after a disappointing start to the year. His assignment, learn to play a different sport, because baseball is not his thing. Gary Sheffield will also go from DH to playing the outfield, as Leyland hopes to recapture the glory of his play circa 1997.

"We've got to get better," said Leyland. "Having amazing hitters at every spot in our lineup is making us too predictable. We need to add some real curveballs in there that are going to make people wonder what's coming next. We are going to do away with the shortstop position here, and create a new position for a tight end. I've seen what they can do in the NFL, both blocking and scoring, so hopefully that can help us out. I hear Jeremy Shockey may be available, so that would be a real help to us. Also, Miguel Cabrera is not scaring anyone anymore on the basepaths, so we've got approval from the commisioner to have him round the bases in a 1990 Buick LaSabre. It's going to make steals very easy, as no one will want to block the plate with a car coming at him, and he'll be tough to pick off, especially if he has the windows rolled up."

Another big change in the field at Comerica Park is the addition of a .50 caliber mounted machine gun behind home plate. It will be for use by Ivan Rodriguez, who has had trouble throwing out baserunners this season. Hopefully with the help of a 200 bullet per minute, Pudge can now deter base stealers. We'll have to see what these changes have on the Tigers, and if they can finally put together some victories because of it.

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The Tampa Bay Rays have put out a call to any of their fans in the New York City area who might be able to bury something under the new Yankee Stadium. "We are looking for any Rays fans in the construction field who are working on Yankee Stadium," said Tampa GM Andrew Friedman over the weekend. "Any at all, we just want one. We have set up a special number you can call if you are interested in helping us put a jersey under the stadium and help reverse the infamous Rays Curse, the curse placed upon us because we dared to become a real franchise."

But the call to action for a die-hard of Rays Nation seemed to fall on deaf ears as they have so far received no phonecalls. So today they have extended the offer for merely any Rays fan to help out. "Alright, I guess there are not many tough construction workers in New York who can call themselves a Rays fan," said Friedman in a press conference early this morning. "So we're extending the offer to any Rays fans in the New York area. Maybe you're a baker and can put a Tampa Bay cake under there, maybe you have a flower arrangement business and can put a Rays #### bouquet under their soil, anyone please give us a call if you're a fan in the NYC area. Please."

Later this afternoon Friedman announced another press conference to plead further with his franchise's fans. "Look, we have still not gotten a single legitimate call about our search. Only some New Yorkers yelling at us and Hank Steinbrenner to tell us he was going to kick the #### out of us. So we are expanding our search to any Rays fan in the United States. We are willing to fly you to New York so you can carry out this task for us. Carl Crawford has even agreed to be the thing buried under the stadium for us. He realizes that he is a great player, but is going nowhere as long as he is a member of this cursed franchise. Please, we just need one fan, we could get in legal trouble if we did this ourselves. There has to be one out there, right?"

So far there has been no real response to the request. Stay tuned for more information.

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Stephen Tyler's intense fear of microphones makes singing national anthems very tough to do and extremely hard for anyone to hear.

(Greg M. Cooper-US PRESSWIRE)

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The Boston Red Sox unveil their new, extremely humble, 2007 World Series Champions banner. There is no red or green fabric left in on the eastern seaboard. They show other country's flags below, such as Canada and Morocco, to remind them that they are all weaker than the Red Sox.

(Greg M. Cooper-US PRESSWIRE)

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The entire Milwaukee Brewers team and management was seen outside the Fenway Park ticket window this morning waiting in line. But unlike the fans in attendance they were not there to buy tickets, but to try and return Eric Gagne. The closer, whom they acquired from the Red Sox over the summer, gave up 3 runs in the bottom of the ninth inning and looked like he lacked control at times.

"What we want is simple," said GM Doug Melvin. "We want the Red Sox to give us a refund for this obviously defective Eric Gagne we purchased from them only a few months ago. We have the receipt here, and I've put him back in his original packaging. He complained a little about the packing peanuts making it hard for him to breath, but I just told him to shut up and take the smothering like a man. It's obviously a problem with their product, and I'm surprised the Red Sox haven't issued a recall on him yet when they realized he is just not a good pitcher."

But the Red Sox were not taking back their 8th inning headache of last year so easily. "It clearly states on the receipt that DVDs, food items, and Gagnes can not be returned to Fenway Park after they have been opened. He is obviously open, as we all watched him pitch yesterday. If the Brewers really want a refund, they are going to have to file a warranty claim with the original manufacturers, his parents."

Even Gagne's parents say the warranty period for Eric Gagne has already passed. "We tricked the Dodgers into making him their closer all those year ago, knowing full well he would not hold up to the rigors of major league baseball. Sure enough he broke down, but not before he was able to make many millions of dollars and send it back to us. There is only a 5-year manufacturer warranty on this model of Gagne, but if they would like we can give them a discount on a new one. Simply pay us half his 2008 salary, and give us a motel room, or hell even a bathroom stall, and we'll have another one ready for you in 18 years of so."

The Brewers say they will not take this struggle lying down, and may file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.

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The people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"

The graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro. They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's Just Ronny Being Ronny!"

So far sales of the new Fatheads has been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008. But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.

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