Bill Parcells handed over the keys to Miami's offense yesterday to Chad Pennington, telling him to be careful with the new franchise he just got over the summer. The move surprised many, as Pennington had his quarterbacking license suspended last month in New York for bad driving. Several times last season he was pulled over by the coaching staff in the middle of games for a QUI, Quarterbacking Unbelievably Incompetently. He was seen swerving balls all over the field and driving the opposite way in traffic, often driving the offense into his own endzone. When pulled over, coaches had him attempt to throw a ball in a straight line, but he could not successfully do it.

Pennington wasted no time in showing that the decision to give him the keys was a bad one, as he played New England in a preseason game later that day and proceeded to crash the offense right in their prized defense. On the first play from scrimmage, Pennington was under big pressure as defensive tackles broke through the Dolphins offensive line and made him sail a pass over the head of Ricky Williams, who was then drilled hard into the ground by a defender. Chad was thrown to the ground after the play, and Parcells ran out onto the field yelling "What have you done to my brand new offense! It's ruined!" Old man Belichick, who takes great pride in his flower garden and defense, also ran out onto the field and surveyed the damage on his fence, "You think your offense if in bad shape, how about my defense! It is supposed to be training to play against good teams, and we have to warm up against this awfulness?! We will never be ready for the regular season!"

To pay off the damages, Pennington has agreed to quarterback the team throughout the season to a record bad enough for Parcells to draft a new offense in the offseason.

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Even Bill Belichick agrees that these are the ugliest and most un-revealing uniforms in the history of cheerleading. The Celtics did not deserve to win this game.

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Reporters from the Boston Herald have formally retracted their February report about Matt Walsh taping the St. Louis Rams walkthrough in 2001 before their Super Bowl matchup with the New England Patriots. But in a town such as Boston, that alone was not enough. The 3 sports section reporters who collaborated on the story were blind-folded and abducted from their homes in the middle of the night by mindless #### clone soldiers, also known as Patriots fans. When the blindfolds were removed, they were in the middle of Boston Common on their knees, standing before the entire New England Patriots roster dressed in their full uniforms.

The team parted slowly as the Dark Lord Chancellor Bill Belichick made his way from behind them to stand before the 3 journalists. "You have betrayed the power of the dark side," Belichick told them. "As residents of Boston you must remain ever loyal to the dark powers that rule here. You can not question the Red Sox massive payroll which is only slightly less than that of the Yankees, you must continue to paint them as lovable scrappy underdogs. You can not question my prickishness when I choose to give Tony Dungy a running high five instead of stopping to shake his hand. You can not try to imply that Ray Allen is too #### to be considered a part of the Celtics Big Three, the Big Two sounds incredibly less cool."

"But Chancellor, we were not questioning the greatness of your team when we did the article, we just wanted to find out the truth about the taping," said the reporter who wrote the piece. Belichick raised his right hand and lightning surged out from it and electrocuted the man. The other reporters turned their heads away as he screamed and fell to the ground in a pile of smoking ash. Tedy Bruschi then released the chain from the neck of rabid placekicker Stephen Gostkowski, who ran and began devouring the remains of the man.

"This is what happens to those who oppose the Patriots, you get eaten by a 190-pound man from Mississippi," continued Belichick. "I hope the rest fo you have learned your lessons and will not oppose the power of the dark side again. If we are united, we will once again rule the NFL universe."

But then from out of nowhere, Tony Dungy and Yoda appeared from behind the crowd of fans and cut the reporters loose with their lightsabers. "Hurry! Get out of here! We'll hold them off!" yelled Dungy to the men, who began scrambling out of the park. A large CGI-rendered battle ensued, and we at TSC would like to tell you what happened, but no one really cared what happened because everyone looked like a cartoon character.

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The cast of M*A*S*H were glued to their TV's Monday, anxiously awaiting the news on the ratings for the Super Bowl. When it came out that the game scored 97.5 million viewers, making it the second most-watched program in history behind their 1983 series finale. The game was the most-watched Super Bowl of all time, beating the 1996 championship between Dallas and Pittsburgh.

Every year the cast gathers during big events that have a chance at beating their viewer record. Super Bowls, American Idol finales, any episode of Cavemen. Anything with a huge viewership that could topple thier record that has lasted for almost 30 years. When the ratings announcement came down, and this Super Bowl would not have the perfect record, they popped open the champagne they save every year for this time.

"It's so hard to go undefeated in this day and age," said Hawkeye. "Everyone is always nipping at your heels with a new reality show or TV finale, but we've managed to stand the test of time. After this win it really shows what out accomplishment meant."

"It feels so good to pop open that champagne," said Hot Lips Houlihan. "We can't actually drink it, because most of us are suffering from kidney failure. So we pour it into the sink and all have an Ensure. Also, Sherman Potter is about 70% dead, but he likes the loud pop and the bubbles. So we do it mostly for him."

"Every year I put on the dress one more time, thinking it could be my last," added Klinger. "But every year the ratings come out and we are still number one. I thought there should be an asterisk next to this Super Bowl, if it did somehow beat us anyway. The whole spygate fiasco really increased viewership in this game by making everyone hate the Pats more. That's cheating, to make a scandal like that in hopes it gets more viewers."

The M*A*S*H cast is safe for one more season. But in the free agent era, it's unlikely anyone will challenge the record again.

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New England Patriots, your team has just lost Super Bowl XLII! Now it's time to celebrate with the official Super Bowl Loser merchandise, available only from NFL Shop! Own a piece of history with some of these great items:

Why not pick up the Patriots: Super Bowl Losers Sombrero? It's the same sombrero that Univision edited onto the head of Tom Brady during their Spanish-language broadcast. Celebrate failure with not just a hat that reminds you of the game's result, but also the most ridiculous piece of headwear outside of those poofy hats your mom used to make you wear in the winter. It's double the embarassment for supporting the team that lost the big one!

How about the "18-1 Is Pretty Good" hoodie. Only from NFL Shop, now you can dress like your coach and sport the phrase that he will be telling himself all off-season. On the back it says "Don't worry, we'll be back, our division still has the Jets, Dolphins, and Bills in it!"

Or maybe pick up the ultimate item for the ultimate fan, a 9 millimeter Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol. You just lost $10 grand on the game, everyone at the office is going to be ragging on you all year, and your team will no longer be remembered as the best of all-time. Why not just end it all? With the Super Bowl Loser Patriots pistol, you won't need a suicide note, the pistol will be all the evidence the police need. Also good for normal murders! Just place the pistol in the hands of the victim after, and the cops won't ask questions, they'll know the reason for the crime! Order today!

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Gisele, get that v*gina ready. Tom Brady might be a little angry tonight.

(Jason Parkhurst-US PRESSWIRE)

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Scientists from Destiny Labs announced today they have possibly created a formula for beating the New England Patriots. "All year teams and researchers around the country have been searching for a formula that will beat the Pats," said head scientist Mark Thompson. "Several have come close. Baltimore, New York, and even Jacksonville all had syrums that looked like they might finally cure this Patriots disease, but in the end they all remissed into winning."

The winning disease has afflicted New England all season, and has left them searching for answers. "I'm so tired," said Tom Brady. "All this winning, it's really taking it's toll on my body. I don't know if I can keep it up. My doctor said the next win may be the one that kills me. To play at such a high level, the body wasn't designed to throw 50 touchdown passes in a season. I just wanna lose again, please. I've forgotten how it feels to live."

The symptoms of the Patriots disease are extreme offensive aptitude, game-breaking speed, and the ability to come back from the brink of defeat to pull of an incredible win. Even their own fans are starting to feel the effects of the disease. "As a Patriots fan, it's just getting really boring watching the same old outcome every week. Being from Boston, I really hate to rub it in the faces of others when my teams do well. So this really makes me feel like a jerk having to win by 30 points every week, breaking multiple offensive records, and having the MVP. I just wanna lose every once in awhile. Please..."

But it's harder to lose than it looks for those suffering from Patriots disease. In the season finale they tried their hardest to get behind early to New York, but Tom Brady suffered a relapse in the 4th quarter and led his team to victory. But now researchers believe they have a cure devised for the ailment, one they will inject into Giants players before Sunday's Super Bowl. If they can somehow, some way deliver the vaccine to New England, they can come away with the biggest upset of all time.

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A local area man was admitted into a hospital yesterday following what doctor's are calling Super Bowl overexposure. "This is one of the worst cases I've ever seen," said ER doctor Mike Thornton as the man was wheeled in on a gurney. "We're gonna need to get him loaded up with painkillers immediately. Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"5...days until kickoff," replied the man in a whisper.

"Oh my god, he's pretty far gone. We're going to need to prep him for surgery," said the doctor as they disappeared into one of the patient rooms.

While the surgery was taking place, we spoke to his wife, who had driven him to the hospital. "I don't know what happened to him," she said. "We were eating dinner, and he kept flipping from ESPN, to ESPN News, to FOX Sports, as he usually does. Then he just started screaming, and grabbing his head. I didn't know what the problem was, so I brought him here right away."

The doctor came out of the room after a couple of hours. "It's not pretty, but I think we have him stabilized. At times like these it's quite common for someone to experience a Super Bowl hype overexposure. In a normal NFL week, people have only 6 days to take in all the hype surrounding a game, and they have many games to choose from. But at this time of year, the condition worsens due to the 2-week layoff, the single game, and the need for networks to try and find interesting stories about it for all that time. The human body wasn't designed to handle this much of the same regurgitate hype. The Brady boot, the Manning brothers, Spygate, Belichick and Coughlin's douchiness, the undefeated season, we had heard it all by last Monday, but they're still the top headline on every show and website. We had to inject him with a 10 CC's of college basketball, and then actually cut him open and insert some MLB offseason trade news. I think he's gonna pull through."

During the recovery we were allowed to speak briefly with the man. "I'm feeling much better now. It was something around the 200th talking head that came on ESPN to talk about whether they thought Brady's injury was real or not, when something went off in my brain. It was like an explosion of boredom. I just couldn't wait to get to the game, so it could all just be over with. The doctor says I'm going to be on daily doses of NBA, and then if there's improvement I might be able to watch the last 15 minutes of a super pre-game show. Any more than that and it's likely I'll have to hear all these same stories again. I just wanna say that I love my family, and with their help I'm going to pull through this."

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Police were called to the New York apartment of Gisele Bundchen after neighbors complained about loud screaming and noises coming from it. They arrived to find Patriots quarterback Tom Brady sitting on the couch crying, with a walking cast on his right foot. Gisele was in the other room watching basketball and drinking a beer in a white tanktop. Tom Brady took a minute to wipe the makeup off his face that had began to run, and asked the cops what the problem was.

"We have reports of a domestic disturbance coming from these premises," said one of the officers. "Do you know anything about that?"

"No officer," answered Brady. "I don't know where they would have gotten the idea we were fighting or anything."

"Honey! Shut your friends up! I'm trying to watch the game!" yelled Bundchen from the other room.

It was then the cops noticed the cast on Brady's foot. "Where did you get that injury, son?"

"Oh, I'm so clumsy. I fell down the stairs a little bit earlier today" replied Brady.

"What stairs? This is a one story apartment," asked the other officer looking around the place.

"Oh, yes, well we had them taken out after I fell down them," Brady shot back quickly.

"You did that today? Where would the stairs even have led to?"

"Thanks for coming over officers, but this really isn't necessary, we're very much in love." The police then took note of Brady's black eye and pointed to it. "Oh that thing? Well Gisele was only trying to explain to me, very calmly, that I should have done her laundry yesterday. She was trying to point to the calendar and show me how it was one of my 29 days of the month to do laundry, when she accidentally touched my eye a little bit."

"She hit you?" asked the first officer, very surprised.

Tom shook his head. "No, just a touch, a hard touch. She did it because she loves me so much! It only happens when she gets drunk, or angry, or when she's awake. The good times are so good, I can overlook these little episodes."

"Alright sir, if you don't want to press charges we'll be going. But be careful, will you? I've got 200 bucks riding on your game."

"God damn it! I need another beer Tom! Get in here!" yelled Gisele as the officers exited the building.

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Ted Cottrell, the Chargers defensive coordinator knew he had to come up with a great gameplan to defeat the only undefeated team of the last 30 years. One that no one had been able to devise before. To do that he would have to understand the inner-workings of the Patriots most potent weapon: The Brady.

To fully understand just how The Brady works, Cottrell had to journey far into the Himalayan mountains with his defensive assistants to find the reclusive inventor Reginald Bravari. Bravari created The Brady in his lab some 30 years ago in an effort to make the perfect human being. In Himalayan mountain society, one's worth and social standing is based not on what you actually do, but on how far you can throw something. For example, here in the U.S. Bill Gates and George Bush are both very high up the social ladder. But in the Himalayas, Chris Weinke would be seen as more prestigious than either of them. This could even be applied to historical figures. In Himalayan society, Benjamin Franklin would have been a chimney sweeper because he could not throw a football 10 yards, while Jack Geraldo, 280-pound butcher and weekend flag football player would have been a near deity because he can toss a long bomb.

But Bravari's super throwing creation had other plans, and he went to America to play in their professional football league. It was from Bravari that Cottrell hoped to learn the very secret of what makes The Brady tick, and hopefully how to defeat it in battle. "I built no real weaknesses into The Brady superstructure," said Bravari when questioned by the Charger coaching staff in his mountain home. He pulled up a blueprint of The Brady and laid it out on the table. "He was designed to throw, and I made it so it would be very hard to ever stop him from throwing. I don't follow the rules of this football of yours, but there is one thing that can stop The Brady, one item I crafted out of the very ingredients he is made of. It's his Kryptonite, if you will. I keep it locked in this box."

The coaching staff knew they were close to finding the very substance that could weaken The Brady and maybe even cause him to throw an interception. Bravari turned the key and opened the box to reveal...a handgun. "Wait a minute, this is the only thing that can stop Tom Brady? A gun?" said Cottrell angrily.

"Yes, if you shoot him in the face he will most certainly not throw a touchdown for the rest of the game. But the face is the key, that is his weakspot. Anywhere else and he's probably still going to be able to hit Randy Moss for an 80-yard bomb. What are the rules for using guns in your football?"

"You can't use them."

"Well then. You are probably screwed," noted Bravari. Sure enough the Chargers could not defeat The Brady on Sunday, and the Patriots marched on towards another Super Bowl title.

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Bill Belichick was detained this week by federal prosecutors after a B-2 Stealth Bomber, bearing the Patriots logo, was caught by the U.S. Air Force performing maneuvers over the Chargers practice facility in southern California. The plane was noticed by LaDainian Tomlinson towards the end of practice on Wednesday, as it had been flying over them for several hours. The Air Force scrambled F-18's from a nearby airbase and ordered the plane to land and turn over all footage obtained. The plane was a modified B-2, bought by Robert Kraft after it was retired from active service. It has a giant Patriots head painted on the top and bottom.

"I don't know what the confusion is all about," said a confused Belichick as he was taken away by investigators. "We bought the plane legally, and it was merely conducting some test maneuvers to prepare for a special halftime show at this week's game."

The pilot of the vehicle was none other than mascot Pat Patriot, who just barely fit into the cockpit with his oversize head and enormous revolutionary war hat. He too was arrested by the government. The footage taped clearly shows the Patriots taping defensive signals on the sidelines, some several dozen offensive plays, and also about 2 hours of top-down cleavage footage o####iants cheerleader practice. It's unknown at this time how severely the league will punish the Patriots for this latest infraction.

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With their 3rd loss in 4 games last night to the Washington Wizards, the Boston Celtics fell to a lowly 30-6. "The standard set by Boston sports teams is extremely high, and the Celtics simply aren't living up to it by merely having the best record in all the NBA," said Lord Chief Curt Schilling of the Boston Sports Confederation. The BSC is a group of the highest ranking sports figures in the Beantown area including Manny Ramirez, Jonathan Papelbon, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Marc Savard of the Bruins.

The statement from Schilling pre-dated yesterday's loss to the Wizards, and makes the BSC prime suspects in the crime that happened following the game. After the 88-83 loss, the Celtics were leaving TD Banknorth Garden(their stadium is actually named this nonsense) when they were accosted by a group of unknown attackers. They were left bloody and beaten behind the arena, and police are looking for clues.

Chief Inspector Roger Gadget was put in charge of the investigation. At a press conference he called for all Boston citizens to come forward if they had any information about the attack. He said he had no leads as of yet, but that he was looking for them with all of his ability. He then proceeded to yell "Go Go Gadget Helicopter", at which point giant blades came out of his hat and made him fly up into the air. While Gadget has yet to find any clues, a little girl and an anthropomorphic dog who were also at the scene told The Sports Comedian they had a su####ion it was the BSC behind the attack.

"When you read the quote they made about the Celtics it gets you thinking," said the girl who identified herself as Penny. "I've analyzed the body of Paul Pierce here. Now, someone obviously beat him, mostly in the face, and then took a #### on him. But looking at the #### you can see there is Northern Idaho corn in that very feces. There is only one place that serves Northern Idaho corn in the area, and that is a KFC that just happens to be less than 3 miles from Bill Belichick's home. Also notice the indentation on the forehead of Kevin Garnett here, it's from a ring so big it could be one of only two types. Either Kobe Bryant's I-didn't-rape-that-girl ring he gave to his wife, or a Super Bowl ring."

The anthropomorphic dog then interrupted her. "Yeah, there is all that. But then there's also this..." He took out some tweezers and pulled a gold object out of the arm of Ray Allen. It was a small golden flag that said "2007 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox". Curt Schilling could not be reached for comment, apparently he has taken a vacation out of the country.

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Bill Belichick announced early Friday he was canceling team practice so that he could go home and do some practicing of his d**chebaggery. It's the biggest game of the season for the world's biggest a**hole, figuratively of course, literally would probably be a porn star of some sort. "What they did to me earlier in the season is unforgivable. No one challenges The Belichick. Nobody!" said Bill angrily as he left the practice facility. "Everything you've seen so far this season has just been a warmup. The lack of handshakes, the running up the score, leaving starters in, it's all child's play compared to what you will see on Sunday. I have to go practice to make sure I'm ready."

A TSC correspondent followed Belichick as he went about his practice for the day. He started by going to a movie theater, standing outside the ticket window, and reciting the endings for all the movies currently playing. "You're gonna see that one? He dies at the end. That romantic comedy? They get together after her brother is diagnosed with cancer." The theater staff attempted to have him arrested, but the police informed them what he was doing isn't exactly illegal. There is no d**chebag law.

After that he went into the city's most popular candy store and bought everything in it, ensuring kids would have nothing to buy after school. He went to the mall with a megaphone to tell children waiting in line that Santa wasn't real, and if he did there was no way he'd stay monogamous to that old wife of his. He then showed the kids doctored photos of Santa having sex with a trio of young boy elves.

From there it was to EB Games, where he edited the roster of the Indianapolis Colts to have all players rated 0. He then played a 12-year-old who used to inferior Colts team, and even though was losing 123-0, Belichick kept his starters in and kept throwing hail marys. He completed his mall tour by going to the food court and ordering a sandwich from Subway. He exploited their "We'll remake the sandwich until it's right" policy until he had gone through their entire stock of buns, meat, and toppings. He then told them to just forget the sandwich, he'd go to Chik-Fil-A instead.

After a good day of ruining people's lives he went home and had a cup of scalding hot tea. It burns his mouth and makes him angrier, something he needs in his every day life. After drinking half the cup of tea and burning off most of his tastebuds, he poured the remainder down his pants. Watch out Mangini. He's been practicing, and he's got tea burns on his junk.

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By Contributing Writer Matt Webb

Just days before Bill Belichick and his undefeated Patriots are scheduled to hit the field in Foxboro to exact revenge on Eric Mangini and the New York Jets, an ominous package was delivered to the coach’s office. Written in what appeared to be the handwriting of a third grader and addressed simply to “Coach B” in “The New England” the package somehow found its way to Gillette Stadium and into the hands of the Pats head man himself. Standing at the podium during his press conference today, Belichick held back tears of anger as he read from the enclosed letter:

“Dear Coach B, just thought I would drop you a line to say good luck in this week’s game. I had hoped by now that we could have put all that Spygate stuff in the past and compete on the field this week like two grown men, but then I pick up the paper this morning and see that someone turned us in for taping games too. What a coincidence!!!” Belichick paused to collect himself before continuing to read, “You know, speaking of games, remember last year when you went down to coach the Pro Bowl in Hawaii because you got beat by the Colts in playoffs and you asked me to housesit for you while you were gone? I thought this week would be a good time for me to send you some photos I took while I was there. Hope you enjoy them as much as me and my team did.”

Belichick placed the letter back in the envelope and then asked a staff member to dim the press room lights. What followed was a brief slideshow that can’t be adequately described in words. In the first photo, Coach Mangini and an unidentified female can be seen completely naked and in the midst of a sexual act on Coach Belichick’s dining room table. The caption to the photo read simply “Hey Bill, how does my butt sweat taste?!?!” A second photo showed Coach Mangini in obvious discomfort with Coach Belichick’s toothbrush shoved up his nether region, with the caption “Now you know why you have doo-doo breath!!!!”

As the lights came up, Belichick slammed his fist on the desk. “He wants a war? By God, he’s got one!” Belichick yelled, “we’re gonna beat his team’s #### by 60 and make them like it.” Not only did Belichick vow to destroy the Jets on the field, but he vowed that after the game, his lineman would hold down “Coach Manboobies” while he proceeded to give him a triple noogie followed by a nuclear wedgie.

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Beginning his press conference with what can only be described as the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation ever, Brian Billick stated that he has informed Ravens management this week that he will be returning to coach the team next season. “I’ll be back,” said Billick, “management has been told of my imminent return to this team.” When asked why he was so confident about his job status despite his team’s poor on-the-field performance, Billick revealed that he has just returned from the future where he discovered that he was still head coach of the Baltimore Ravens.

“I saw a lot of crazy things,” Billick noted, “for instance, five years from now it will be discovered that the New England Patriots are really just a bunch of cyborgs constructed by Bill Belichick in his basement using spare parts from a 1970 AMC Gremlin.” Billick went on to reveal that after totally dominating the NFL for many seasons, Tom Brady (or Lord Brady) as he is known in the future, set his sights on world domination. According to Billick, it appeared that Lord Brady and his forces would easily conquer earth before moving on to other planets. But after many years in exile at a top secret location, Bill Belichick returned and began training an underground force of humans to resist Lord Brady. “It wasn’t a pretty sight,” said Billick “just before I returned the world was in the midst of a bloody battle between humans and Brady’s half robot/half supermodel army.”

As a stunned group of reporters sat silent in disbelief, Billick noted that “all that stuff’s not important right now. I’m the head coach of the Ravens and we’ve got a game to win this week. But if I were you, I would take Miami and the points.”

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