I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.
• The Bengals and Cowboys are very evenly matched. Potent offense, questionable defense, superstar wide receivers, they are even tied on felonies with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones going against one another. But wait, the Bengals went out and got a leg up on criminality by acquiring Cedric Benson...They are going to take this thing.
• The Happening: Now on DVD in a director's cut edition much less #### than the one you saw in theatres!
• New York Giants- Is there any team more overrated than this one? These guys kind of suck, am I the only one who sees it?
• Sage Rosenfels is a great backup quarterback because he plays mistake free football, look for no falloff with him taking over for Matt Schaub.
• Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.
• The contest between Ravens and Titans should be an exciting one. These are two offenses waiting to bust out, look for an offensive shootout in Baltimore.
  
• Now that Matt Millen is out as the GM of the Lions, Detroit can finally play some quality football.
• Once you get up on the Redskins, they really lack the offense to be able to come back.
• That Bud Light girl can freeze my time whenever she wants...
• Well, I know it's a bit early, but I've been so impressed with the undefeated Buffalo Bills that I've already booked nonrefundable airfare and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!
• Kansas City kind of sucks, but they have to score some points at some point this season. Maybe a safety? 2 points. They have to get at least 2 points.
• A lot of people wonder just what exactly is in the state of Montana. Apparently it is comprised entirely of giant desert car testing facilities, because they have to put all those somewhere, and I've never seen one in a real state.
• The Brian Griese ex-team reunion tour continues as he is sure to pick apart a very bad Denver defense.
• Matt Cassel and Randy Moss just don't have the same chemisty that he and Brady used to have. Very sad they won't be lighting up the stat sheet anymore...

(On a side Sage Rosenfels note: Back when he played for Miami he used to offer himself for parties. You could pay and have the Dolphins third string quarterback come to your party where he would schmooze with your guests and tell them exciting stories about how he once said hello to AJ Feeley in the locker room. I can only imagine how much people would pay in Houton to get ahold of him tonight...)

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

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Steve Mcnair finds himself in a strange situation today. He called a press conference at 1:00 PM eastern to address the rumors that he was retiring from the NFL. Apparently he had not planned to do so, but due to all the rumors and pundits saying "It's a good decision Steve McNair is ending his career before it gets pathetic" he will actually retire. "It's sad to hear people say stuff like that," said a teary-eyed McNair in front of all the cameras. "I thought I had earned the respect of everyone to play as long as I wanted. They said Brett Favre should keep on playing even though he looked horrible in that NFC Championship. Well, I guess I know what everyone thinks of me now."

The misreport apparently stems from McNair telling a friend he was going to take his car to Pep Boys and get it re-tired. "I needed some new tires, so I was going to get them replaced. Then this friend of mine goes and blabs about it to ESPN and suddenly everyone at the repair shop is telling me how great of a career I've had. Oh well, I say the hell with you all."

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"I'm gonna make Gene an offer he can't refuse," stated Matt Stover, kicker for the Baltimore Ravens and the man who wants control of the NFL Player's Association. "Too long have we been playing under the old rules with Gene as head of the NFLPA family. It's time for a new boss to take over."

Cousin Matty, as he is called within the family, is lobbying to be the new head of the organization so that someone else can oversee the negotiations of the labor contract that is about to expire. It's expected Upshaw will cancel the current contract after the 2009 season, which will void the salary cap and open up some problems with the league's financials. "Big Gene been making deals with the wrong types of characters," continued Cousin Matty. "If he thinks that's going to be tolerated here in the family, he is mistaken. I've got some guys together and we think it may be time for him to step down, either through the easy way or the hard way. I don't wanna make any threats here, but let's just say if he doesn't play his cards right he could get whacked, by my kicking foot into his balls."

"Cousin Matty wants to come after me?" said Big Gene in an interview at his New York Italian restaurant, which is a front for the NFLPA family operations. "I'd like to see him try, my boys are more loyal to me than any cronies he could possibly dig up. If he wants to start a war, I'll give him one. I'll litigate him so hard he won't know what hit him. I've served men subpoenas written on mutilated fish heads before. He could find himself a bloody subpoena in his bed with him when he wakes up."

The family war could result in a vicious battle of nad-kicking and animal head stationary litigation. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The head coaches who are idiots record will be broken this weekend, as yet another coach decides to kick the ball to Devin Hester.
• Despite the claims of Bumblebee, after this horrible season there will be no Dolphins safe from the big Tuna.
• Unfrozen from the year 1997, a man named Todd Collins will lead his Redskins from the brink of elimination to the promise land of the playoffs in the brand new sci-fi series "Todd: In The Year 2000".
• Why does Best Buy feel the need to explain the punchlines of their jokes to us? That one where the guy is watching the neighbors through a telescope, and then his wife looks and they are making out. For some reason even though everyone gets the joke already he says "They weren't doing that a minute ago!". Or the one where the boss takes the guy's gift card and walks away and he yells "Hey, are you gonna give that back?" We already get it Best Buy, we're real people.
• Detroit will celebrate the fact they actually went an entire game with only 2 turnovers.
• Obviously with 2 quarters left in one of the worst seasons in NFL history, a great coaching mind like Cam Cameron Cameron would consider a quarterback change to his rookie in order to turn the season around
• Alright Cialis, we get it that your pill only gives us an erection when we want it, and not just a 3-hour hard-on like Viagra. But man, is that a whole lot less hilarious.
• Baltimore surprises everyone by narrowly beating the second stringers of Pittsburgh. Charlie Batch surprises everyone by showing he's not retired.
• Nothing makes me happier than seeing a guy who's dating Jessica Simpson fail to put together a good game week after week.
• The Arizona Cardinals will finish with their best record since 1998, although Kurt Warner still claims his 1998 Backstreet Boys debut record is better.
  
• People's Choice Awards? Really? If there's one group I don't trust to decide on movie awards it's the people at large. For reasons why, just look at the staggering opening day gross of National Treasure 2.

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Beginning his press conference with what can only be described as the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation ever, Brian Billick stated that he has informed Ravens management this week that he will be returning to coach the team next season. “I’ll be back,” said Billick, “management has been told of my imminent return to this team.” When asked why he was so confident about his job status despite his team’s poor on-the-field performance, Billick revealed that he has just returned from the future where he discovered that he was still head coach of the Baltimore Ravens.

“I saw a lot of crazy things,” Billick noted, “for instance, five years from now it will be discovered that the New England Patriots are really just a bunch of cyborgs constructed by Bill Belichick in his basement using spare parts from a 1970 AMC Gremlin.” Billick went on to reveal that after totally dominating the NFL for many seasons, Tom Brady (or Lord Brady) as he is known in the future, set his sights on world domination. According to Billick, it appeared that Lord Brady and his forces would easily conquer earth before moving on to other planets. But after many years in exile at a top secret location, Bill Belichick returned and began training an underground force of humans to resist Lord Brady. “It wasn’t a pretty sight,” said Billick “just before I returned the world was in the midst of a bloody battle between humans and Brady’s half robot/half supermodel army.”

As a stunned group of reporters sat silent in disbelief, Billick noted that “all that stuff’s not important right now. I’m the head coach of the Ravens and we’ve got a game to win this week. But if I were you, I would take Miami and the points.”

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Miami will not win this week(Even I can correctly call this one, how sad)
• The brothers McCown are unstoppable!
• The Packers would be taken seriously as a contender if only they had a running back.
• I don't know if there is anything scarier than Plaxico Burress' player photo.
• Good thing you switched to Kellen Clemens Jets, that Pennington guy threw too many INT's and not enough TD's.
• We get it A####mp;T, your phones work in many places and you can combine the names of all of them into something long and funny. But, not funny after the 7th iteration of this same commercial we've seen. There should be a law of commercials where you can't do the exact same joke more than twice.
• Ken Whisenhunt is dreaming of a playoff berth for his Arizona Cardinals. But sadly he is also living the nightmare that is having Kurt Warner as his QB.
• At least Pittsburgh can stop the pass, now we'll see what New England is made of when they have to grind it out. This prediction could also apply to the Baltimore-Indy game.
  
• When your team puts in Troy Smith at quarterback you know either your team is the worst thing ever, or maybe you're in an Adam Sandler movie or something, and it's supposed to be a joke of some sort.
• Sage Rosenfels will once again do what he has always done, been the worst at his job since the guy that designed Polar Express: The Movie: The Cereal, featuring marshmallow Tom Hanks. He had a long wait in the unemployment line to ponder why kids didn't get excited over eating an oscar-winning actor.
• Out-of-nowhere brilliant QB David Garrard will finally fall apart as the alien who has abducted his body from the world Footballia finally goes back home.
• At least Kansas City has a good running game to help that rookie QB.
• I never thought I'd say this, but please bring back Jared to your commercials Subway. If I have to hear that Family Guy carry on about your feast sandwich one more time, I'm going to parental control block the channel showing it with a random code so that even I can never watch that channel again.

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During the game Monday night between the Ravens and the Patriots, Samari Rolle claims an official called him "boy", something his father used to call him. "What am I supposed to think when someone says that to me?" said an inquisitive Rolle. "I have a stepfather, but maybe there is something to what this referee said, maybe he's my real dad. I don't even know his name, only his number of 110. That's always been my favorite number."

"Maybe he is my son," said referee Phil McKinnely, the mysterious number 110. "We have a lot of things in common; we both like football, we both like to argue, as that's what we were doing Monday, and we've both got arms. There are just too many similarities to ignore. I meant what I said as a demeaning insult. Who knew it could open up some lost family connection."


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It was an exciting atmosphere in the locker room following the Patriots 27-24 defeat of the Ravens on Monday night. New England and the referees from the game engaged in the usual post-match celebration antics. Towels were whipped, loud victory music played, and even a little champaign poured on the heads of some of the refs as the Patriots kept their perfect season alive and moved to 12-0.

Bill Belichick interrupted the fun with an announcement, "I want to give the game ball from tonight, to the men who earned it the most. When the game looked like it was nearly lost, when we were stopped 3 times on that final drive on 4th downs, you guys stepped up and brought us back from the abyss. This one goes to the refs!"

Cheers erupted from the locker room for their all-stars from that night. The head referee took a moment to speak, "Thank you everyone. We played a tough one out there today. We had to make up some calls at times to make sure you guys could stay in the game. Illegal hands to the chop block, roughing the false start, pass-interference-facemask-unabated to the tight end. But we hope no one will find out these calls made no sense until it's too late to reverse the score or anything. We want to thank you guys for acting like a penalty should be called after every bad play, to give us an excuse for throwing a flag. You guys are the best! Hey Tom, can you sign my daughter's t-shirt for me?"

While everything was happy with the Pats, the Baltimore locker room was a different story. "We came so close," said a disappointed Brian Billick. "We studied hours and hours of tape on these referees, but they threw some new stuff at us tonight we just weren't ready for. Penalizing the team 15 yards to start the game because I wasn't wearing a sweatshirt, that was a little harsh."

Despite all the one-sided calls early on, Baltimore still had a chance late when a hail mary play got them down to the 3 yard line of New England. But from out of nowhere a sideline judge dove onto the field and tackled Mark Clayton to the ground. "It's all about making a good hit and wrapping up your man", said the enthusiastic judge after the game. "Coach Belichick always tells us to hit them hard and take down the legs, and that's just what I did. I think we're on our way to history, and a Super Bowl."

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"Coach, when I said I don't think we can get any closer during this conversation, I didn't actually want you to try. This is just getting awkward and embarassing." - Kyle Boller

"That is what I feel like every day having you as my QB." -Brian Billick

(AP Photo/Gail Burton)

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The trailers for the new Stephen King movie The Mist look incredibly scary, almost as scary as looking up at the scoreboard and seeing yourselves losing by 30 points to the Cincinnati Bengals. Be afraid Titans, be very afraid, a loss like that isn't natural.
• The David Carr era begins this week in Carolina. This guy is ready to bust out big time, I think he may even surpass the 90 yard mark.
• If the NFL were a carnival, there would be a booth where for 2 dollars you can smack the Baltimore Ravens in the face. The latest contestant in this game? The San Diego Chargers.
• How many commercials must there be of enormous truck testing in an unknown desert location. We get it, you test your trucks in futuristic ways, but don't want to show it in a laboratory because laboratories are not manly enough. There must be an entire desert state out west full of truck testing apparatus.
• I keep waiting for some kids to jump out of a bowl of Trix cereal and say "Silly Cleveland, the playoffs are for real teams!"
• Tom Coughlin is determined to win the bet he made over the offseason with his brother that he could have a more disappointing second-half this year than last.
• Not since the 2000 Super Bowl has Trent been able to shout "You just got Dilfered ####es!" after a game. Thank god that line is back.
  
• There are a lot of ads for anti-balding products. But men with little hair take heart, at least your head does not look like the disaster that is Chris Cooley's. Sometimes bald is better I suppose.
• First place Denver can not lose to Chicago! That team is horrible! Look at their record! We are in first place damn it! Oh, that's right, we play in the AFC West.
• Daunte Culpepper surprises everyone, by showing he's still in the NFL.
• Maurice Jones-Drew can really pick up the hard yards, such as 10 carries for 10 yards. But man, the ones he gets are really hard.
• What was the first thing analyzed on FOX's Thanksgiving Pre-Game Show? The new DVD and Blu-Ray release of Live Free Or Die Hard! Seriously, immediately after saying hello they pulled out multiple copies from under their desk and starting promoting them. Forget football, let's watch a 20 years too late sequel with a hero who's the slowest balder in history teamed up with that awesome Mac guy! Yipee-kay-yay Mother! (That line is a lot less awesome when edited for TV)

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Most of the team found it more than a little odd that Ben Roethlisberger was constantly celebrating on the sidelines with a dead guy in a body bag, but when a guy throws 5 TDs, you don't want to mess with his rythm.

(AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

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