The Atlanta Hawks won again last night at home to tie their series with the Boston Celtics at 2-2. Stunned and shocked would seemingly be the words to describe the Boston locker room after the game, but surprisingly it was upbeat. "I'm just excited to be moving on," said Kevin Garnett after the loss. "This team is good, but I'm looking forward to taking on Orlando in the next round." He was then informed that they had at least 2 more games to go with the Hawks before they would face Orlando. "Ha, well I don't know if you've heard or not, but I'm part of the Big Three here in Boston. We're like the best ever, and we're going to play the Magic in the next round. These Hawks can come along if they want and maybe we can fit them in somewhere after."

Indeed, even the league has already scheduled their second round series to start on Friday. "This Orlando-Boston contest is going to be an intense series with a lot of interest as two of the best big men face off against each other," said an enthusiastic David Stern. "I know they aren't exactly winning against the Hawks, but come on now, it's Boston. They deserve to be in the next round, and we're going to move them into it right now. We may reschedule these other games for the future, and maybe their backups can play some exhibitions with these Hawks. I mean, this is a team that has a shot at winning an NBA Championship. How would it look if they did that, but lost in the first round to Atlanta? That would be silly, and I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen."

The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.

• 
  Celtics vs. Hawks: Hawks have long been the bane of midgets hailing from Ireland. Their fued dates back to the 1400's, when giant hawks would swoop down and grab them from their fjords because of the attraction to their gold buckle shoes. But these are modern times, and the Celtics have a lot more going for them now. Mainly their having hands, and hence the ability to shoot a firearm, is going to spell trouble for the birds as they can easily be shot out of the sky. I predict a Celtics victory. But if that Hawks want to have a chance they are going to have to go after the Celts only good eye(the right one). They could also get lucky and reap the benefits of a lung cancer diagnosis mid-game due to the Celts love for pipe smoking.
  
  Prediction: Celtics 4-1
  
  
• 
  Pistons vs. 76ers: One of the battles that I have only seen before in my greatest of dreams, car parts against people from the year 1776. I think too much has changed in the past 200 years for the 76ers to be competitive in this series. They are still riding around on horses, wearing those triangle hats, and writing articles of confederacy. Look for the Pistons to drive right over the Sixers while they are in the middle of the street attemtping to draft a declaration of independence.
  
  Prediction: Pistons 4-1
  
  
• 
  Magic vs. Raptors: It's magic versus velociraptors. To get a proper feel for this movie you have to look at the popularity of the two mascots. Raptors were all the rage back in the 90's with the Jurassic Park films, but now it's all about Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord Of The Rings. Magic is everywhere and Orlando is going to tap into this pop culture relevance to put away that red #### wearing oversized dinosaur shoes. Also, it is very tough to maintain good ball control with a three-fingered claw hand. Magic win in a closer one.
  
  Prediction: Magic 4-2
  
  
• 
  Wizards vs. Cavaliers: The magic users take on the men trained in arms and horsemanship. This is also an age-old fued that dates back to the middle ages. Cavaliers nearly drove Wizards to extinction, both in the old war and the last few years in their playoff series. I think it's finally time for the Wiz to strike back. Firstly, look how flexible they are. There is no reason why that pose is even necessary, yet they are doing it. Also, they can levitate a basketball and point at the sun at the same time. That takes skill. Their skills will narrowly overcome that of the Cavs.
  
  Prediction: Wizards 4-3
  

As the Atlanta Hawks got ready to set off on their yearly summer vacation they learned that there is something called the NBA Playoffs, and they get to play in them this year. Coach Mike Woodson explained to concept of Playoffs to both the players and fans after their latest home win. Everyone was extremely excited at the prospect of horribly losing 4 games to a great Boston team in these new playoffs. "I'm really pumped," said Tim Sanchez, a lifetime Atlanta fan who did not know about the existence of playoffs until now.

Indeed the whole team was amazed to learn of the tournament that pits the best teams against each other at the end of the year. Woodson handed out their t-shirts that read "Atlanta Hawks 2008 - Not That Bad" on one side and "Almost A Winning Record" on the back in celebration of the feat. "This is just so great," said Joe Johnson. "To be on the precipice of destruction at the hands of the Celtics, it feels really good. If I close my eyes I can almost feel Kevin Garnett posting up on me for a dunk right now. This is gonna be fun."

Altanta Hawks shooting guard Joe Johnson picked up a newspaper yesterday and discovered, startlingly, that his team had somehow managed to get the fifth best record in the Eastern Conference. This came as a huge surprise to him, as coach Mike Woodsen has coached the team not to look at the standings, watch ESPN, or even worry about the results of games they play in. "Coach says all that matters is the effort we put out," said Johnson. "He covers up the scoreboard at home games so we can't see how bad we are doing, and after the games he doesn't tell us the score. He just gives up a thumbs up or a thumbs down, based on our effort. And if we get a good thumb, he also gives each of us a piece of candy. So far we are 28-0 in good thumbs. I didn't even know how to read these standings when I first saw them, so I took them over to a stranger who helped me translate them. We actually have a winning record!"

When he informed the rest of the team they had been winning games this season, instead of the customary Hawks tradition of losing every time they stepped on a court, they were ecstatic. But then the realization set in that being a good team meant they might have to participate in the NBA Playoffs. This sent the team into a frenzy.

"Playoffs? You want to talk about playoffs?! I have a cruise to Alaska scheduled for the summer! I can't be worried about some 2-month playoffs," said Josh Childress. "I was told when I signed with the Hawks that I would have summers off, like a school teacher. They told me there was no way we would be able to get a winning season, especially with my lack of skill and big money guaranteed contract."

Other players expressed extreme dismay over this discovery as well. "I am going on a wine tour of Southern California's Napa Valley. I don't want to play this basketball nonsense any more than I have to," said Josh Smith. "How did we start winning in the first place? We had it all figured out until this season: play the least amount of games with the least amount of effort, then collect a paycheck. Who wants to be on the San Antonio Spurs? They have to play so many games!"

Coach Mike Woodsen has vowed to his players he will coach them on how to lose again.

T.J. Ford puts into practice the new Raptors offensive strategy codenamed "#### Dribbling".

(AP Photo/John Bazemore)

SportsComedian.com

In an amazing feat, the Atlanta Hawks Josh Smith was 4 of 10 for the game shooting with his face.

(AP Photo/John Amis)

SportsComedian.com