The Atlanta Falcons have awarded Matt Ryan the largest rookie contract in the history of the NFL. The Boston College quarterback, chosen 3rd by Atlanta, will receive close to $1 billion dollars over the next 60 years as well as be named King Lord God Fuhrer of the state of Georgia. "I just don't know how to thank everyone involved in these negotiations. I'm really excited about being the franchise quarterback of the Falcons for the next half century, and I guess I just have one heck of an agent."

Pundits are quick to point out much of Ryan's billion is back-loaded into the last few years of the contract. "It really seems like a lot at this point," said ESPN's Mark Clayton. "But you have to remember that much of this money won't be paid until around the 2064 season when he's 80 years old. It's going to be hard to believe the Falcons won't cut him before then due to the salary cap restrictions, especially when the game shifts from real to just televised 3D Virtual Reality Madden 2064. You know how old people hate video games."

It is believed to be the largest award of land to a football player, topping the previous awarding of the Northwest Territories to CFL player John Avery. Despite being larger geographically than Georgia, the land is in Canada and thus worthless. The population of Georgia is actually happy about Ryan becoming the new fascist head of state. "It can't be much worse than George Bush, that's for sure," said one resident. But there could be opposition to his reign, as his first order to build a giant coliseum where mighty dogs can wage battle against each other, was struck down by the state senate. Ryan does not understand why, but says if they oppose him again they will be thrown into the newly erected dungeon.

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

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Brett Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to, this arm still is ready to throw."

Favre is so eager to help out should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game, just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that #### Maybe you locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."

The hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in need of one than us."

Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1. Thank you."

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A federal judge ruled Monday that jailed quarterback Michael Vick could keep all but $3.75 million of the $20 million of the bonuses paid to him by the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons tried to recover the money after his conviction last year on charges of running a dogfighting operation. The judge said he believes Michael Vick has learned his lesson through the jail time alone.

"I abhor dogfighting," said the judge. "It is cruel and inhumane treatment of living creatures. But, I am a fan of just fighting, and Mr. Vick has shown to be capable of staging some very great fights. I consider him a young Don King, who just took a few mis-steps along the way. I think in the nation's best interest, he needs this money so that he can set up some amazing new fights when he gets out."

"It was obvious that football was not his best skill, we all saw that by watching him try to complete actual passes. So maybe this is it. When I was a boy I had a dream of being an ice cream cowboy who lived in space. All throughout high school I studied ice cream and space. But then I was told by my father I had to go to Harvard, and they did not have a frozen desert astronaut program like the junior college in town. So I had to become a judge. Maybe Michael had dreams of watching two competitors rip each other apart and bleed to death while money was exchanged. That's a beautiful dream, and I won't stand in it's way."

"Plus there are so many good fights out there we have yet to see. What if an rhino fought a hippo, what if salt fought pepper, what if a man whose arms have been replaced with giant staplers took on a guy who had a shotgun for a leg. Those are some fights I know we all want to see, and there is one man that can bring them to us. Michael, you are our future for watching things maim each other. You can keep this money, as long as it's used for good. I want no rap albums, ethnic clothing lines, or attempted NFL comebacks. You have one talent, and it is making things fight."

"I still look up at the sky and wonder what flavors I could be serving and what kinds of spacecow I could be wrangling right now..."

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Nike announced today the release of the all-new 2008 Tom Brady cast. It turns out the boot he was wearing when he went into Gisele's apartment on Monday was not because of an injury, it was merely a promotional boot. This marks the first name-brand cast ever released, but many New England fans are already breaking their own legs and lining up outside Nike Outlet stores to be the first to try it on.

Nike's slogan for the boot is "Heal Your Bone Fractures Like A Champion". Basketball players are usually the only ones to have a yearly shoe released under their name, but Nike has tried several football releases in the past. There was the Morten Anderson sandal, the Steve Young Heely, and the Daunte Culpepper Croc. All utter failures.

Tom Brady's new commercial in which he states "When I sustain a class 2 stress fracture, I don't take it to the doctor or the ER. I take it to the max! With Nike!" Many Nike stores and Foot Lockers are now being inundated with injured people, as they believe that is where they should go to receive treatment.

"There isn't much we can do for them," said a frantic Foot Locker employee. "We usually just measure their foot with that weird device we have and then give them a few aspirin that the new guy Wally keeps in his pocket. Right now, I hate Tom Brady. I haven't even graduated high school, I'm not qualified to treat wounds."

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It was a scene the likes of which haven't been witnessed since "Das Boot". At approximately 4:00 AM Tuesday a frantic Bobby Petrino burst out of the restroom at the head offices at Falcons headquarters screaming. "There's a leak in the main reactor line!" shouted Patrino as he ran down the hallway, as other building employees came out of their offices to find out what the commotion was. "We're going down, we're going down! Batton down the hatches and prepare to abandon ship!" Petrino continued to scream other submarine-related nonsense as he ran into owner Arthur Blank's office.

"Sir! I need to use your intercom immediately, we have to inform the crew!" he said as he picked up the microphone sitting on Blank's desk.

"What the hell is going on Bobby? Are there terrorists in the building?!"

"No sir, it's the Germans. They hit us bad," he replied as he flipped on the intercom. "Attention crew of the Falcons. We have sustained a torpedo impact to our main reactor line, and are taking on water! We must abandon ship immediately! All crew to their emergency stations!"

With that Petrino pulled out a large yellow box into the room from out in the hallway. He pulled a red strip on the side and it inflated quickly into a large raft. "Bobby! What in God's name is happening right now?!" yelled Blank, trying to be heard over the loud inflation mechanism.

"I'm getting us out of here sir. I know it's customary for the Captain to go down with the ship, but I can't allow that to happen," replied Petrino. With that he grabbed the 1998 NFC Championship trophy sitting on the desk and began to use it to smash through the window overlooking the parking lot. Once a large enough hole was made he grabbed the raft and put the front through the opening. "Let's go sir!"

"I'm not going anywhere you nut job! We're on the second story of this building, we'll probably die from the fall!" said a confused and frustrater Blank.

"The sharks won't get us Captain! We have to make the jump before the ship goes under!" yelled Petrino grabbing Arthur's tie. He attempted to pull him into the raft by it, but Blank grabbed the desk and held on for dear life. "Sir, you must come with me!" Blank reached for his scissors, managing to just grab them and quickly cut his tie. Petrino and the raft went flying out of the window and onto a car below.

When janitorial staff examined the bathroom he had been in earlier when the commotion started they found a yernal that would not stop flushing, and a gameplan recapping the Falcons latest blowout loss. Later that day, Arkansas announced Bobby Petrino as it's new head coach.

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The worst seat in the Superdome is not in the nosebleeds. It's in front of this guy, having to listen to him yell the same "Blow Me!" joke throughout the entire game.

(Dale Zanine/US PRESSWIRE)

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• The Patriots have looked amazing so far this season, but they always struggle against Miami. That defense is just too good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• I'm gonna be glued to my TV for the offensive battle of the week: Raiders-Chiefs. These offenses are so explosive, the entire bay area might be blown off the map.
• It would be great if Kid Nation really featured kids trying to make their own society, instead of CBS telling them what to do. They would kill each other over cookies, the largest kid would become a quasi-dictator who would give an extreme wedgie to anyone who challenged him, and the boys and girls would splinter off and war over a disease ravaging the town, a disease known as cooties.
• Damn it, I need a bye-week kicker for my fantasy team. Who's available? Rob Bironas? Who the hell is that? I'll take Olindo Mare instead, that Saints offense is great.
• The Byron Leftwich era will last a long long time in Atlanta.
• Tampa Bay has won so far because of the mistake-free play of Jeff Garcia. Look for them to take down Detroit in a similar fashion.
• 
• In a secret lab owned by Sprint, somewhere deep below the surface, Peyton Manning is forced to wear a suit and keep his hand over a yellow egg floating in bioluminescent goo. This has something to do with football and trivia, but we have yet to find out what.
  
• Rudi Johnson is out for Cincinnati? They are finished.
• Tavares Jackson may not be a great quarterback at this time in his career, but at least he's accurate.
• Is there any prison built that can hold in two bald identical-looking male models? Apparently not, somehow Prison Break has been on for 3 seasons now.

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On his first day as the Atlanta Falcons' starting quarterback, Byron Leftwich felt like a kid. "Football has been really taken away from me the last month and a half," he said. "It just seems like it's a new feeling. It's all fun again. Any time you're not out there, it's a tough situation to deal with."

It sure feels like fun now in practice Byron, but wait until you actually have to play with this offense against a defense that isn't the Falcons. That's when the fun goes bye-bye.

Whether Leftwich can energize Atlanta's struggling offense remains to be seen. First-year coach Bobby Petrino said Wednesday that Leftwich would take over the Falcons (1-5) from Joey Harrington for the rest of the season. "That's the big part of it," Petrino said. "We need to make a change and get something going."

Joey Harrington was actually having a career year with the Falcons so far. Yes, 4 TDs and 4 picks with an 80 QB rating in 6 games was a career year for Joey. They go to a man who's best year was throwing for 2100 yards and 15 TDs. Wow, I'm sure that will turn out well. The Falcons built their entire team around Michael Vick, and now they can do nothing. They have one hope left, and that's to go out and sign Marcus Vick. Sure he's be convicted of about 8 crimes, kicked out of college, and is currently being sued by a minor for molestation, but he's not currently in jail...

Alright, the Falcons are screwed...

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