It was a scene the likes of which haven't been witnessed since "Das Boot". At approximately 4:00 AM Tuesday a frantic Bobby Petrino burst out of the restroom at the head offices at Falcons headquarters screaming. "There's a leak in the main reactor line!" shouted Patrino as he ran down the hallway, as other building employees came out of their offices to find out what the commotion was. "We're going down, we're going down! Batton down the hatches and prepare to abandon ship!" Petrino continued to scream other submarine-related nonsense as he ran into owner Arthur Blank's office.

"Sir! I need to use your intercom immediately, we have to inform the crew!" he said as he picked up the microphone sitting on Blank's desk.

"What the hell is going on Bobby? Are there terrorists in the building?!"

"No sir, it's the Germans. They hit us bad," he replied as he flipped on the intercom. "Attention crew of the Falcons. We have sustained a torpedo impact to our main reactor line, and are taking on water! We must abandon ship immediately! All crew to their emergency stations!"

With that Petrino pulled out a large yellow box into the room from out in the hallway. He pulled a red strip on the side and it inflated quickly into a large raft. "Bobby! What in God's name is happening right now?!" yelled Blank, trying to be heard over the loud inflation mechanism.

"I'm getting us out of here sir. I know it's customary for the Captain to go down with the ship, but I can't allow that to happen," replied Petrino. With that he grabbed the 1998 NFC Championship trophy sitting on the desk and began to use it to smash through the window overlooking the parking lot. Once a large enough hole was made he grabbed the raft and put the front through the opening. "Let's go sir!"

"I'm not going anywhere you nut job! We're on the second story of this building, we'll probably die from the fall!" said a confused and frustrater Blank.

"The sharks won't get us Captain! We have to make the jump before the ship goes under!" yelled Petrino grabbing Arthur's tie. He attempted to pull him into the raft by it, but Blank grabbed the desk and held on for dear life. "Sir, you must come with me!" Blank reached for his scissors, managing to just grab them and quickly cut his tie. Petrino and the raft went flying out of the window and onto a car below.

When janitorial staff examined the bathroom he had been in earlier when the commotion started they found a yernal that would not stop flushing, and a gameplan recapping the Falcons latest blowout loss. Later that day, Arkansas announced Bobby Petrino as it's new head coach.

Embattled Arkansas coach Houston Nutt resigned Monday, giving up his job three days after directing the Razorbacks to a victory over top-ranked LSU. Defensive coordinator Reggie Herring will coach the team in its bowl. Nutt told Chancellor John A. White that he wanted to close a chapter in his life.

Many are sad over this resignation, but none more than dirty sports headline writers, who are left with only few names left that can be misconstrued into something sexual and sophomoric. A writer who goes by the penname Dirty Sanchez, from a paper that would like to be left nameless, says it's his livelihood that will be hit the hardest by this leaving. "It's always hard when you lose a Nutt," said Sanchez, who had to laugh for several minutes after that opening line. Eventually he continued, "We've been going through a lot of changes in our business over the last several years. Darrell Dickey leaving North Texas and Larry Coker exiting Miami were very tough. It severely limited our phallic jokes over the past 2 seasons, and that's really our bread and butter. Houston Nutt was the last of a dying breed of coaches with names that could easily be spun to sound sexual, and hence hilarious to our readerbase of middle school boys."

"There are some up and coming names like Rocky Long of New Mexico and Rick Stockstill of Middle Tennessee State, but those names are going to take some work to make funny. And if there's one thing people in my business hate, it's work. We're going to really miss our Nutt, that's for sure." Sanchez laughed incessantly following this, perhaps a final goodbye to his friend. We decided to leave the interview room, as it really wasn't funny in the least.

SportsComedian.com