"We are now down to 49 states", announced President George Bush this morning in a speech from the Oval Office. "Apparently, over the last few weeks a new Mongolian army has sprung up in southern Canada, and they have invaded and captured the state of Montana. Somehow, Congress missed the warning signs of this happening, due to concentrating all efforts on a dual-front investigation of Roger Clemens and Spygate. This has left no time for surveillance, foreign intelligence, or defense. We are now at war with the Mongols, and there may be nothing we can do about it."

The Mongolian army was able to successfully sack Montana in about 24-hours, riding upon horses into the state capital early this morning. Despite wielding only spears and clubs, they were able to defeat the national guard of Montana due to them not being stocked with any firearms. "We were told the army's defense budget was being reallocated to sports investigations," said Lieutenant Gary Boone from the neighboring Idaho National Guard. "We have so many investigations going, and they're looking to open up a few more. I've heard whispers of the government looking into jai-alai fixing, MMA weigh-in cheating, and illegal boat construction in sailboat racing. It's a bad time to be involved with sports. Oh, and also if you live in Montana. I hear they are eating the brains of their conquered slaves right now. That's also a bad time."

The government heard about this takeover early today, but said they have more pressing issues to deal with before they can think of mounting a counter-offensive. "One of the titans of baseball could have taken steroids," said Representative Gary Waxman. "We need to hold some more non-trials to talk about this without any resolution or reprocussions. We have a lot of congressmen here who want to scold people on public television, and they need to be heard. What ever came out of Montana anyway? Trees? Trees are not America's pasttime, sports are. What makes the oxygen we breathe? Sports, and that's a scientifically proven fact. This is where our priorities are right now."

When asked what would be done about the people already under Mongolian slaveship, Waxman said, "What were they doing living way out there anyway? There are no sports teams in Montana. I talked to the Montana senators about putting a warning on the welcome sign about Mongol invasion, but they didn't listen. It's very sad, but they brought this on themselves."

The Mongols have made some demands to the government in exchange for not annexing any further territory. They want 500 pounds of raw meat, 1000 naked unshaven women, and an X-Box 360. They like Halo 3 quite a bit.