After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

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The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.

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  Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the Nuggets are about to pay the price for this.
  
  Prediction: Lakers 4-0
  
  
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  Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks. This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them. Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one.
  
  Prediction: Hornets 4-2
  
  
• 
  Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up. I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
  
  Prediction: Suns 4-3
  
  
• 
  Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5): Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
  
  Prediction: Rockets 4-3
  

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Allen Iverson thought he was the better basketball player, but when he charged the hoop he forgot that Kobe Bryant is better at Karate.

(AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

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"Whoa! Look out!" -Nate Robinson

"Eeew! What is it?!?!" -David Lee

"I think it's a...basketball player! Don't touch it!" -Nate Robinson

"I've never seen one before, I've only been with our team. Wait a minute, aren't we basketball players too?" -David Lee

"No, we are Knickerbockers..." -Nate Robinson

(AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)

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