The Cleveland Browns' Derek Anderson made his first showing in a Pro Bowl after an excellent 2007 season, in which he threw 29 touchdown passes. But it was not a great showing for the first year starter in the game of NFL all-stars, as he completed 10 of 26 passes for 103 yards, no TDs and an interception. Anderson blamed the play of his team, which was not up to the level of quality those he has in Cleveland.

"This team is just a bunch of nobodies," said a frustrated Anderson after the game. "I'm used to playing with some of the greats up there in Cleveland, like Darnell Dinkins and Tim Carter. I don't know why this team signed scrubs like this C. Johnson and T. Gonzalez. But they sure can't catch a ball to save their lives."

When he was picked off in the endzone during the third quarter, he stormed to the sideline and angrily threw down his helmet. "What's up with this line protection? These guys couldn't block for a college team! They're just awful! It's like they've only been playing together for a week or something! The other team gets established superstars like Adrian Peterson and my side gets saddled with unknown garbage like Fred Taylor? Who is this guy and where did he come from?"

Running back Gilbert Harris of the Kansas City Chiefs was stunned to learn that he was not the winner of the Offensive Rookie Of The Year Award when it was announced Wednesday. The honor went to Vikings running back Adrian Peterson who ran for over 1300 yards, including an NFL record 296 in one game, in limited action. Harris finished the season with 9 carries for 9 yards, 1 fumble, and the Chiefs lost every game in which he touched the ball, including the preseason. He had a dazzling performance against the Titans where he ran for -4 yards.

Harris began worrying around midnight at the party he was throwing for himself in anticipation of winning the award. "I got a little concerned that I hadn't heard anything yet. I was sitting there with my parents and family, and we were ready to party on account of my award. I figured they would call me to let me know I had won the thing, as the results were supposed to be in at 8:00 PM or so. So, I told the stripper who was dancing on me to get off so I could call the league office. When I did they pretended like they didn't even know who I was! It took 10 minutes just to find my name, at which point they told me I will not be receiving the ROY this year."

"This is a load of ####! I had an ice sculpture made of me as a barbarian holding the head of a Mongol warrior, which was supposed to symbolize me conquering the league as I had done during the season. I had a kiddy pool filled with Cristal we were all going to jump in and get all sticky. Well, all of that is going to go to waste now. I even had P. Diddy over, who had written a customized rap about me he was going to sing to all the guests called 'Gilbert Is Hard As Diamonds'. But, this all serves as motivation for the future. I promise, next year I'm going to win this award."

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Finally we will see a good weather game in Pittsburgh.
• John Beck may not have much experience for the Dolphins, but he can really protect the ball.
• Detroit is very close to getting their defense back on track. Once they do that, they will start winning some games again.
  
• Best Job Title Ever: Michelob's Steve, Director Of Barley.
• The Falcons will be able to go an entire game without replacing their starting QB with the second string guy.
• I picked up a Christmas gift for family friend Joe Gibbs this week: an NFL rulebook. Hopefully he won't be needing it until Christmas.
• Is there really an opening to Sunday Night Football, or is it just a really long sprint ad? Also, who gets really pumped up when you hear Faith Hill starting singing about football? Those NBC execs really have their fingers on the pulse of what music their mostly male audience likes.
• I'm not entirely convinced Jamarcus Russell really exists.
• Luke McCown is your starting QB? You are done Tampa Bay Bucs. Even Reggie Bush can throw better than him.
  
• That commercial about the guy who gets bad gifts for Christmas is right about the sweater, clock, and mittens. But nunchucks?! That is quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever seen.
• Good thing I dropped Adrian Peterson from my fantasy team to open up a spot for the returning Ricky Williams.
• The Chargers never hand the ball to Ladanian Tomlinson anymore. They will lose another one to the Chiefs because of it.
  
• Worst advertising slogan ever: The new Citizen Eco-Drive watch is unstoppable...just like Eli Manning!

With the return of Adrian Peterson, aka A-Pete, to the Vikings roster, Minnesota destroyed the Detroit Lions on Sunday. But they got a big trick play from their punter Chris Kluwe, on a fake punt that resulted in a 27 yard completion that helped to get their offense moving. After the game in an interview Chris talked about his performance, "It was great to get out there and throw the ball. It was only one pass, but it was probably about our best QB performance of the year. T-Jack had a good game, and we got A-Pete back, but my pass really helped us get down the field for a score. Wait a minute, now that I'm like a real player and not just a punter, I think I deserve one of those cool nicknames too! How about C-Klu?"

There was nobody else in the locker room who would talk to The Sports Comedian staff, so we stuck with Kluwe who threw out a couple more nicknames:

• Mr. Perfection: For his 100% completion percentage on the year.
• Ocho Worsto: For being the 8th worst punter statistically in the NFL.
• The Socket Wrench: Nicknames after tools are awesome, but good ones like The Hammer, Nailz, Jackhammer, are already taken
• Thor: Viking god of thunder and strength. Kluwe says he can almost bench 100 pounds.
• The Microwave: What's the thing the Viking's nemesis, the Cheese Heads, fear the most? Something that can reduce them into cheese dip.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Uh oh, the San Diego defense on my fantasy team is going up against that fearsome Colts offense. They never turn the ball over.
• Brooks Bollinger will pass for more than 8 yards in the first half against Green Bay.
• The key to the New Orleans resurgence has been that defense, they are just good at keeping people out of the endzone.
• After years of seeing Wendy as only an idealized red-headed girl on the Wendy's logo, the truth has finally been revealed. She is actually a riot-inciting crossdresser who lives in a dream world where people chop down trees with their feet and jump into holes.
• Philadelphia just always seems to run out of steam in the 4th quarter, look for them to be burried on Veteran's Day by the team from our nation's capital.
• The thing that impresses me most about the Raiders is that they can plug any QB into that system and they can succeed. Look for a lot of points Sunday.
• I've seen a person with dreadlocks maybe 2 times in all my real life. I see at least 5 people with dreadlocks on the football field at all times. Someone should investigate this.
• I just got my ticket for the Detroit Lions bandwagon! Wahoo! Nothing is gonna slow this thing down now! Wait a minute, is that a cardinal in the middle of the road to the Super Bowl? Surely that won't derail this Detroit Express.
• For fans of the greatest comedy show on TV right now, the 2007 Miami Dolphins, they will not be disappointed and have to watch an actual close football game.
• I think we can all agree the best thing about NFL broadcasts is the TD-Commercial Break-Kickoff Return-Immediate Second Commercial Break sequence. Nothing gets you into the game after a score like a 10 second interlude of football between commercials.
• Some fool in my fantasy league traded me Adrian Peterson for that washed up old Donovan McNabb?! The title is mine!
• There is no way the Cowboys can beat the Giants when they are wearing their ridiculous all-red jerseys.
• If there is one thing we can all be thankful for during this WGA writer's strike, it's that it finally stopped The Big #### Theory, and their horrible promos from existing. Let's hope this thing goes on for awhile. I think sacrificing every show and movie forever might be worth it to stop this horrible sitcom.

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• Everyone is hyping this Indianapolis-New England game, but the real winners are the fans in Houston and Oakland who have to watch their local teams instead. It will be a bad day for bar owners with NFL Sunday Ticket in these cities.
• Detroits magic runs out against the Broncos, they just aren't a good team.
• Miami and St. Louis will both not lose this weekend, for the first time this year.
• I'm trying to think of someone I've grown more tired of seeing than Dr. Robert Jarvik , but I just can't at the moment.
• If I had to build a team from scratch, I'd want to start with David Carr. That guy just wins wherever he goes, and he is extremely hard to sack. He might be the most elusive QB I've seen since Michael Vick.
• Why is Minnesota using Adrian Peterson when they have a veteran like Chester Taylor on their roster as well? If they commit to Taylor, they might actually win a game.
• The NFL will re-evaluate their rules after this season following the San Francisco-Atlanta game this weekend. "One of them has to win? That just doesn't seem very fair. We should just be able to give the Patriots another victory or something. We'll definitely take a look at this one team must win, one team must lose nonsense in the offseason," said a high-ranking NFL official.
• You would think the owners of the bar would stop the old men with guitars from all sitting around and singing"Viva Viagra! ". That can't be good for business. What happens later than night when all these viagra guys are drunk and some young college kid says "You know, my parts actually work on their own." Murder, and then a wild adventure where 10 old men with ED try to find a place to hide a body. That's what happens.
• The fans in Philadelphia will probably get to Terrell Owens. Look for his play to drop off against his former team.
• Quinn Gray may be horrible, but the Jacksonville Jaguars defense will keep them in a lot of games, by keeping the other team out of the endzone.
• "Hello everyone, I am the official spokesperson for Lipton Tea. I am here to announce to the world our newest product: Lipton Pyramid Tea . It's a teabag that's shaped like a pyramid! After years of study we discovered that the most delicious shape is indeed a pyramid, so we now make our tea in this way. I know a lot of people feel the trapezoid or maybe even the rhombus were more delicious, but that simply isn't the case."

Adrian Peterson set a new NFL single game rushing record on Sunday with a 296 yard, 3 TD effort against San Diego. He broke Jamal Lewis' old record of 295 set in 2003. Ironically Lewis now plays for the team he set the record against, the Cleveland Browns.

"If you can't beat em, make them your starting running back," said a Browns spokesperson earlier this offseason. "It's a saying that has gone back centuries. Napoleon, of course, tried to make Russia his starting running back, only to have them go over the salary cap and force him into exile on Elba. We think this will work out better for us than that. Jamal Lewis will cost us about 3 dollars in salary cap space due to the fact he is like 82 years old and nobody else wants him."

Jamal Lewis had quite a day on Sunday gaining a staggering 37 yards on 20 carries. If he were given the amount of carries needed at that pace to get 296 yards, he would have to had been given the ball 160 times. That would be quite a record in itself.

SportsComedian.com>

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• My fantasy team may be going to hell, but I'm sure glad I stayed away from Adrian Peterson on draft day. That guy doesn't have what it takes to play on this level.
• This is the week the Cincinnati Bengals get back on track against a bad Kansas City team.
• I think the Dallas defense matches up very well against New England.
• No one would give the uber-annoying Frank Caliendo his own show to showcase his never-ending Madden impersonation. Especially not TBS, because they know funny.
  
• The Cardinals have finally stabilized themselves at quarterback, thank goodness.
• Vinny Testaverde and Jeff Garcia are just too old to get it done in today's NFL.
• Erectile dysfunction pill commercials really know their audience, I am sure there have been many times an old couple was sitting in two seperate bathtubs outside on top of a mountain, and wanting to do it, only to have some ED ruin the fun.
• Whoa! The Miami defense is available in my fantasy free agent pool? And they're playing Cleveland! I've got an easy W this week!
• I think the St. Louis offense is incredibly underrated. Gus Frerotte was great in Washington...10 years ago.
• This is the week Shannon Sharp goes to a vocal coach to correct his nonsensical mumbling speech.