The Chargers have made it official that defensive end Shawn Merriman will play this season despite a decapitation he suffered in a preseason game last week. In the 2nd quarter against the 49ers, Merriman was beheaded on a hard chop block by on of the San Francisco runningbacks. The head rolled around the field, as players from both sides confused it for a fumble and tried to step on it or jump on top of it. Charger trainers came on the field to attempt to re-attach it, but only after waiting for his torso to stop spraying blood all over the place. Horrified viewers at home watched as they attempted to put it back on with a stapler, scotch tape, and even some gum one of them was chewing. They took him and the head off on a stretcher and onto a helicopter, which took them to a local elementary school, where he was to receive Elmer's glue surgery to put it back on.

It was believed the injury could put him out of action for a few weeks, and possibly even require him to miss the season. But, the Chargers have informed the press that Merriman has agreed to play in this upcoming season, and will start in week one. They made the announcement at a press conference, with the headless body of Merriman in attendance.

"We asked him, hey, you still want to play this season right? If you don't feel up to it, just give us the word...But, he didn't say anything, because he's a trooper. This kid has got some real guts, and we look forward to having him on the field with us. He's so ready to play, he's wearing his uniform right now. In fact, I think it may be the same blood-covered uniform he wore in that preseason game. This kid is ready for more action."

It's unknown how well Merriman can perform without a head, but it's believed one of the defensive tackles will help hold him up during plays. Team management say that they don't want to lost a pro-bowler from their defense, and he's free to stop at any point, if he just tells them. They say this plan could work out great, they want to remind everyone of the success of Weekend At Bernie's and Weekend At Bernie's 2, both of which featured similar events.

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Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating. But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an "awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to wake someone up like that."

Police tried to explain to Walker they were worried about his safety after discovering him face down with bruises all over his body. "Look, maybe I got robbed and beaten into unconsciousness. But it's Vegas baby, they have agiant pyramid right next to a pirate ship here. Crazy things happen, and they gave me some soiled pants to use as a pillow. It was actually quite comfortable. The cops in this city need to learn to mind their own business. Now if you all will excuse me, I'm going to take a little nap partly because I want to find the Princess again, and partly because of blood loss. Goodnight everyone." At this point Walker fell face-first into the ground and the reporters slowed shuffled out of the room, trying their hardest not to wake him up.

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

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The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

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Brett Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to, this arm still is ready to throw."

Favre is so eager to help out should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game, just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that #### Maybe you locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."

The hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in need of one than us."

Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1. Thank you."

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Inspired by the new Hulk movie coming out this summer, in which they attempt to ignore the horrible original and reboot the character with a new origin, the Oakland Raiders are asking to do the same thing. "If you can do a remake in movies, you should damn well be able to do them in football," said Raiders owner Al Davis. "What we want to do here is replay the 2003 Super Bowl. That game just wasn't well liked by the fans, especially in Oakland, because it was such a massive blowout. We propose recasting the teams and shooting the whole thing over again. We've got a new quarterback in Jamarcus Russell as our star, and I really think he's going to help us make people forget about the original."

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers declined comment on the matter saying only, "We are not going to entertain the possibility of this game being remade. The original game is beloved by longtime fans everywhere, we feel that trying to update the game for the current times would be detrimental to it's message. The game of football was much simpler back then, trying to add in all the new technology like lazer targeting, cyber passing, and holographic kickers would only make it a shadow of what the original was."

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The Cleveland Browns' Derek Anderson made his first showing in a Pro Bowl after an excellent 2007 season, in which he threw 29 touchdown passes. But it was not a great showing for the first year starter in the game of NFL all-stars, as he completed 10 of 26 passes for 103 yards, no TDs and an interception. Anderson blamed the play of his team, which was not up to the level of quality those he has in Cleveland.

"This team is just a bunch of nobodies," said a frustrated Anderson after the game. "I'm used to playing with some of the greats up there in Cleveland, like Darnell Dinkins and Tim Carter. I don't know why this team signed scrubs like this C. Johnson and T. Gonzalez. But they sure can't catch a ball to save their lives."

When he was picked off in the endzone during the third quarter, he stormed to the sideline and angrily threw down his helmet. "What's up with this line protection? These guys couldn't block for a college team! They're just awful! It's like they've only been playing together for a week or something! The other team gets established superstars like Adrian Peterson and my side gets saddled with unknown garbage like Fred Taylor? Who is this guy and where did he come from?"

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Nike announced today the release of the all-new 2008 Tom Brady cast. It turns out the boot he was wearing when he went into Gisele's apartment on Monday was not because of an injury, it was merely a promotional boot. This marks the first name-brand cast ever released, but many New England fans are already breaking their own legs and lining up outside Nike Outlet stores to be the first to try it on.

Nike's slogan for the boot is "Heal Your Bone Fractures Like A Champion". Basketball players are usually the only ones to have a yearly shoe released under their name, but Nike has tried several football releases in the past. There was the Morten Anderson sandal, the Steve Young Heely, and the Daunte Culpepper Croc. All utter failures.

Tom Brady's new commercial in which he states "When I sustain a class 2 stress fracture, I don't take it to the doctor or the ER. I take it to the max! With Nike!" Many Nike stores and Foot Lockers are now being inundated with injured people, as they believe that is where they should go to receive treatment.

"There isn't much we can do for them," said a frantic Foot Locker employee. "We usually just measure their foot with that weird device we have and then give them a few aspirin that the new guy Wally keeps in his pocket. Right now, I hate Tom Brady. I haven't even graduated high school, I'm not qualified to treat wounds."

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Police were called to the New York apartment of Gisele Bundchen after neighbors complained about loud screaming and noises coming from it. They arrived to find Patriots quarterback Tom Brady sitting on the couch crying, with a walking cast on his right foot. Gisele was in the other room watching basketball and drinking a beer in a white tanktop. Tom Brady took a minute to wipe the makeup off his face that had began to run, and asked the cops what the problem was.

"We have reports of a domestic disturbance coming from these premises," said one of the officers. "Do you know anything about that?"

"No officer," answered Brady. "I don't know where they would have gotten the idea we were fighting or anything."

"Honey! Shut your friends up! I'm trying to watch the game!" yelled Bundchen from the other room.

It was then the cops noticed the cast on Brady's foot. "Where did you get that injury, son?"

"Oh, I'm so clumsy. I fell down the stairs a little bit earlier today" replied Brady.

"What stairs? This is a one story apartment," asked the other officer looking around the place.

"Oh, yes, well we had them taken out after I fell down them," Brady shot back quickly.

"You did that today? Where would the stairs even have led to?"

"Thanks for coming over officers, but this really isn't necessary, we're very much in love." The police then took note of Brady's black eye and pointed to it. "Oh that thing? Well Gisele was only trying to explain to me, very calmly, that I should have done her laundry yesterday. She was trying to point to the calendar and show me how it was one of my 29 days of the month to do laundry, when she accidentally touched my eye a little bit."

"She hit you?" asked the first officer, very surprised.

Tom shook his head. "No, just a touch, a hard touch. She did it because she loves me so much! It only happens when she gets drunk, or angry, or when she's awake. The good times are so good, I can overlook these little episodes."

"Alright sir, if you don't want to press charges we'll be going. But be careful, will you? I've got 200 bucks riding on your game."

"God damn it! I need another beer Tom! Get in here!" yelled Gisele as the officers exited the building.

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It was revealed today that Philip Rivers played in Sunday's AFC Championship game only days after undergoing surgery for a broken heart. Apparently his supermodel girlfriend has just broken up with him the week before, after she met an even more rich French fashion designer.

"He was absolutely devastated," said best friend Antonio Gates. "She was the love of his life, and she just cut it off with him only a week before the big game. The biggest game of his life."

Rivers began complaining of hear pains following the breakup, and was taken to San Diego Hospital where x-rays showed a clear tear of the heart across the dorsal aorta. "It's a brutal injury," said Doctor Edward Kelly. "He should really not be playing in the game this week, he should be at home watching porn and eating pizza. That's the only way to get over something like this, it just needs time to heal. The typical rehab time on an injury such as this is 2-4 months."

But his teammates and friends were not about to let him miss his first AFC Championship game. Gates told us about some of the treatments. "We tried some rehabilitation methods we found on Wikipedia. We gave him nightly injections of naked drunk bar girls. That was supposed to help with the physical side of the injury. Then we had a James Bond movie marathon, and that was to remind his head that women can be replaced every year with one who is hotter and has a better sexual innuendo for a name. Then we watched an episode The View, and that showed him what women become eventually, unattractive old hags who argue for hours on end."

"But we realized on about Friday that the injury wasn't healing properly," added Ladainian Tomlinson. "We took him back to the doctor, but he told us the condition was inoperable. So we realized that we were going to have to do the procedure ourselves. To practice I played Operation until I was able to get out every piece without making that dude's nose buzz. Once I could extract everything, even that damn charley horse, we brought him back to Gates' place and laid him on the kitchen counter. From there I just got a cutlery set and began cutting into his chest. It was a lot different than the game, and I wasn't sure exactly what was what in there. But after about an hour and a lot of blood loss I was able to sew some things together and we patched him back up with duct tape."

Despite this procedure Rivers went out and had one of the gutsiest performances ever in an AFC Championship game, easily outgunning Tom Brady. After the game Rivers was treated for multiple infections, blood loss, and having his stomach tied with yarn and stapled to his kidneys. He is expected to make a full recovery before next season.

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Ted Cottrell, the Chargers defensive coordinator knew he had to come up with a great gameplan to defeat the only undefeated team of the last 30 years. One that no one had been able to devise before. To do that he would have to understand the inner-workings of the Patriots most potent weapon: The Brady.

To fully understand just how The Brady works, Cottrell had to journey far into the Himalayan mountains with his defensive assistants to find the reclusive inventor Reginald Bravari. Bravari created The Brady in his lab some 30 years ago in an effort to make the perfect human being. In Himalayan mountain society, one's worth and social standing is based not on what you actually do, but on how far you can throw something. For example, here in the U.S. Bill Gates and George Bush are both very high up the social ladder. But in the Himalayas, Chris Weinke would be seen as more prestigious than either of them. This could even be applied to historical figures. In Himalayan society, Benjamin Franklin would have been a chimney sweeper because he could not throw a football 10 yards, while Jack Geraldo, 280-pound butcher and weekend flag football player would have been a near deity because he can toss a long bomb.

But Bravari's super throwing creation had other plans, and he went to America to play in their professional football league. It was from Bravari that Cottrell hoped to learn the very secret of what makes The Brady tick, and hopefully how to defeat it in battle. "I built no real weaknesses into The Brady superstructure," said Bravari when questioned by the Charger coaching staff in his mountain home. He pulled up a blueprint of The Brady and laid it out on the table. "He was designed to throw, and I made it so it would be very hard to ever stop him from throwing. I don't follow the rules of this football of yours, but there is one thing that can stop The Brady, one item I crafted out of the very ingredients he is made of. It's his Kryptonite, if you will. I keep it locked in this box."

The coaching staff knew they were close to finding the very substance that could weaken The Brady and maybe even cause him to throw an interception. Bravari turned the key and opened the box to reveal...a handgun. "Wait a minute, this is the only thing that can stop Tom Brady? A gun?" said Cottrell angrily.

"Yes, if you shoot him in the face he will most certainly not throw a touchdown for the rest of the game. But the face is the key, that is his weakspot. Anywhere else and he's probably still going to be able to hit Randy Moss for an 80-yard bomb. What are the rules for using guns in your football?"

"You can't use them."

"Well then. You are probably screwed," noted Bravari. Sure enough the Chargers could not defeat The Brady on Sunday, and the Patriots marched on towards another Super Bowl title.

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Tom Brady must remain ever vigilant for supermodels bearing child support papers. Such is the tough life of an NFL quarterback.

(Greg M. Cooper, US PRESSWIRE)

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Bill Belichick was detained this week by federal prosecutors after a B-2 Stealth Bomber, bearing the Patriots logo, was caught by the U.S. Air Force performing maneuvers over the Chargers practice facility in southern California. The plane was noticed by LaDainian Tomlinson towards the end of practice on Wednesday, as it had been flying over them for several hours. The Air Force scrambled F-18's from a nearby airbase and ordered the plane to land and turn over all footage obtained. The plane was a modified B-2, bought by Robert Kraft after it was retired from active service. It has a giant Patriots head painted on the top and bottom.

"I don't know what the confusion is all about," said a confused Belichick as he was taken away by investigators. "We bought the plane legally, and it was merely conducting some test maneuvers to prepare for a special halftime show at this week's game."

The pilot of the vehicle was none other than mascot Pat Patriot, who just barely fit into the cockpit with his oversize head and enormous revolutionary war hat. He too was arrested by the government. The footage taped clearly shows the Patriots taping defensive signals on the sidelines, some several dozen offensive plays, and also about 2 hours of top-down cleavage footage o####iants cheerleader practice. It's unknown at this time how severely the league will punish the Patriots for this latest infraction.

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Randy Moss broke his silence on Wednesday to refute charges of battery levied against him by a woman claiming the invident happened at her South Florida home. Rachelle Washington is asking for a restraining order after the incident, with a court date set for January 28th to decide the matter. Moss, meanwhile, is not taking the charges lying down.

"I am not a battery! Never have been, won't ever be!" said Moss at his locker following practice. "This woman wants to call me an electrochemical energy storage system, and I will not accept this horrible insult. Where's her proof?"

The woman says the power went off at her home around 11:47 PM, and while her and Moss were waiting for it to come back on she picked up a flashight and attempted to turn it on. But apparently the batteries had run out, so it did not work. Moss then grabbed the flashlight and, low and behold, it came to life. The woman says she ran from the house and immediately called the police from a pay phone.

Moss, still at his locker and surrounded by reporters, threw a clock radio on the ground. "Alright, if I was truly a battery, I would be able to fit in this clock radio, right?" said an angry Moss. He then proceeded to try and stuff himself head first into the battery compartment of the radio. "See? I can't fit! Must not be a battery!"

An NESN reporter wasn't quite convinced. "Wait, that doesn't prove anything. Let's throw you in a river and see if you float! If you sink, you're not a battery, but if you do..."

"I think that's a witch actually," replied Moss

"How about we lick you? Batteries will shock someone who licks them," offered a CBS correspondent.

"No way in hell any of you are licking me," shot back Moss.

"I know! How about we go to the parking lot, hook you up to a car in place of a battery, and attempt to start the vehicle off you?!" suggested a reporter for the Boston Herald.

"Sounds very safe, let's do it."

Despite this interview happening last night, Randy Moss has not been seen or heard from since.

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